My husband. My Ed. No one understands me, on my deepest levels, like he does.
We were talking, a rare snippet of time while the girls were out back. I explained about my upcoming GYN appointment and he arranged with my brother so that he would not have to work and would be able to be home with J. And we kept talking... Then I started getting mad... ... at my body, not him.
I should not be too old. It's not fucking fair. Thirty-seven should not be too old, I should not see surprise when I say I am not getting a hysterectomy. I should not feel like time is running out. I've been married ten years... not thirty. How come I have to squeeze it all in in one decade? Yeah, "wait to have children... don't rush it..." all kinds of advice when you start out. Then, before you know it you are hearing, "so I guess you guys are finished, eh?" and you admit to yourself that somehow you seem to have lost a decade of your life somewhere. I'm not too old. I am too old. I'm not. I am. It's not fucking fair.
I know all the reasons, I agree with all the reasons why my family should be done expanding. I know that we cannot handle another baby. I know that we hardly have any time now. I know that we are finished with almost everything toddler related. I know that we don't have the money to do it the way we did for the first two. I know that my uterus is suspended by stitches. I know that I just complained about being overweight and unhealthy. I know I Love my family, and I don't feel like anything is missing. I know all these things. BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE FINISHED YET, DAMMIT! I exclaim to myself, "Wait! I'm not done yet! Please don't make me be done yet!! Give me back those binkys and don't you dare touch those onesies!" I don't want to be done. I don't want to be done. I don't want to be done. And it makes me feel so sad, desperately sad. And I cry, hard. Irrational. And while I know that we are done... ... I am just so mad at my body for not cooperating and being young enough long enough. ... I'm mad at my psyche for not cooperating and not being as strong as I'd like. ... I'm mad at my world, for not cooperating with my grand ideas. It just makes me so damn mad that I have tears in my eyes and want to stomp my feet and bang my fists on the floor.
And Ed lets me. And he understands and comforts me. And I know I am blessed.
I really understand this. I probably shouldn't have had another baby in the first place when Adam started to display his behaviours, but Darian was an oops.... despite everything, I held out a secret hope that I'd have another baby...do it *better* this time and also now that I'm not working I could be *there.* I resented being asked at 26 year old "so are you going to get your tubes tied now?" argh. I still have my crib and high chair and car seat and all of that in my basement waiting... it's ridiculous. I think that I knew by the time Dee reached 8 years old that it just wasn't gonna happen and if I was not being irrational, I'd accept that I'm not 100% healthy, my income is not secure and I have no partner. I guess I always wanted to be able to RAISE a child with the person who made the baby with me.
Bottom line for me? My kids need me now more than ever and it just wouldn't be fair to them to bring a new baby into the world.
:: sigh :: I didn't mean for this comment to be about me but I guess it has been. I'm so sorry. {{{HUGS}}} I empathise.
I know that we're done having babies for different reasons, but I kind of know how you're feeling... I had my tubes tied after this last one, it was just so damn hard on my body this time around... We don't have the time or the money for another- my little ones seem to barely ever see me as it is, my bitty one cries everytime I leave the room.... We don't know that I could even carry another to term.... But the jealousy I feel when I see a pregnant woman... The crying I do at night when everyone else is asleep, looking at the bitty one, wishing she wouldn't grow so quick, knowing there won't be another....
Oh Jenny, my heart feels for you.
The two of you are beautiful souls, and an even more beautiful entity together, as a couple.
Love
Oh, Jen, I'm so sorry.
It's like me feeling a little sad when I watch the kids that I helped care for as babies grow up and enter kindergarten.You feel like you've lost a piece of yourself, a piece of you that contributed to and connected with another person's life and it's hard to say goodbye. I'm not a mom and won't be for at least another ten years, but I do feel a teeny snippet of what you're feeling and it must be so hard.
You may not be in the position to have any more kids, but you'll be able to enjoy all the other parts of A. and J's lives that you couldn't enjoy when they were tiny (and they're still both very young...though I imagine they're too old already in your eyes). I realize this isn't the whole situation, but looking to the future and all of the wonderful experiences that will come with time many bring you some comfort. You have two kids, a husband, parents, siblings, relatives, and many, many friends that all love you very much.
I wish I could say something that would make you feel better but unfortunately I lack the wisdom to do so.
Jenny, this post, literally, took my breath away. I just walked in from a baby shower. My husband goes to the 'snip snip' doctor next week...
I physically can have a baby..but physically shouldn't. Too hard to explain on your blog, but while I held that precious 5 week old for all of 5 minutes, my heart hurt. I wanted another baby so badly in that moment.
I know Jenny. Being pregnant and being a mom of a baby passes so quickly. I wish I had the words, but I am stuggling with it tonight too...
V ery wise Jenny, and its good to know that Ed's your rock, during this time. :)
You don't need a lot of money to raise a child. You need a lot of love and you guys have that. You have a beautiful family and I know you could do it again, as well, if not better. You don't have to physically carry a baby to be a mom. If you have the love to give, and the desire, what about considering adoption or fostering? Just some thoughts.....
((((HUGS))))
I know exactly how you feel. Even though I have four kids, and I know I shouldn't/couldn't handle another, I cannot stand for that part of my life to be over. When Jeff almost made the appointment to have a vasectomy, I started bawling! Then again when I had my yearly pap. My dr (well, midwife at the drs office, she had delivered Chance) suggested I get an IUD (a good solution for birth control, lasts 5 years) rather than the permanancy of sterilization. I probably will never have any more children. And I probably should be happy getting rid of baby things. But I cannot. I finally parted with my maternity clothes to a girl that really needed them. And I may LOAN out some of my baby things to her. But I cannot permanantly part with them. That part of my life CAN'T be over! I will keep every baby item I have as long as I can. I will pass them down to my children when they have children and hope they will use them, but never part with them (or just give them back to me).
You are very lucky and blessed to have Ed with you now. Hugs to you!!
My mum had to get a hysterectomy when she was 36 as well. She and my dad wanted more children still (they had three), so they adopted 4, who have turned out to be the biggest blessings ever...so if you ever did want more kids, there will be more avenues to do so. Unfortunately sometimes people's bodies go ka-put before they're ready for them to :( I hope you feel peace about it soon, JennyG!
♥
Wow. I didn't know that was something us women go through. How heartbreaking.
And your husband is awesome.
I know this feeling, sweetie. ::Hugs you::
Good Man. 1 zillion hugs for you. I do not know, but I feel. Every woman in my immediate family has had this happen. It does take away what is fundamentally YOU. ((())) Justin
]]]]]] HUG [[[[[[
I know a little bit how you feel, as being a mother is something I know I will never have the opportunity to do. Most of the time, I can handle itm but there are times when it hurts. A lot.
(((Jenny))) You are in my thoughts and in my prayers dear one!
I can imagine how you feel. I still have all of my "parts", but just never got pregnant again. Have not taken birth control in many years and just figured if I get pregnant again, so be it. If not, I'll just have to be satisfied with my only child. Years ago, I did get emotional when I saw babies and just yearned for another. Now that she's 16, I'm looking forward to more freedom for me. I want to travel a bit and even just go out for the evening and not worry she is having some big party at my house!
My closest friend is 40 and her girls are 2 and 4. I just can't imagine!
Tons of hugs, Jen. My heart is breaking for you... Have faith that this is the right thing for you. Perhaps, with acceptance, you'll find joy, again.
I love you, so, so much...GFW
wow, I can't even imagine what you're going through. i'm not yet at that phase in my life... but i do know, you are indeed truly blessed to have someone who understands and comforts you. that's a blessing at any phase.
Comments (24)
{{{{{{{{{{{{Jenny}}}}}}}}}}
Bottom line for me? My kids need me now more than ever and it just wouldn't be fair to them to bring a new baby into the world.
:: sigh :: I didn't mean for this comment to be about me but I guess it has been. I'm so sorry. {{{HUGS}}} I empathise.
I know that we're done having babies for different reasons, but I kind of know how you're feeling... I had my tubes tied after this last one, it was just so damn hard on my body this time around... We don't have the time or the money for another- my little ones seem to barely ever see me as it is, my bitty one cries everytime I leave the room.... We don't know that I could even carry another to term.... But the jealousy I feel when I see a pregnant woman... The crying I do at night when everyone else is asleep, looking at the bitty one, wishing she wouldn't grow so quick, knowing there won't be another....
Oh Jenny, my heart feels for you.
Oh, Jen, I'm so sorry.
It's like me feeling a little sad when I watch the kids that I helped care for as babies grow up and enter kindergarten.You feel like you've lost a piece of yourself, a piece of you that contributed to and connected with another person's life and it's hard to say goodbye. I'm not a mom and won't be for at least another ten years, but I do feel a teeny snippet of what you're feeling and it must be so hard.
You may not be in the position to have any more kids, but you'll be able to enjoy all the other parts of A. and J's lives that you couldn't enjoy when they were tiny (and they're still both very young...though I imagine they're too old already in your eyes). I realize this isn't the whole situation, but looking to the future and all of the wonderful experiences that will come with time many bring you some comfort. You have two kids, a husband, parents, siblings, relatives, and many, many friends that all love you very much.
I wish I could say something that would make you feel better but unfortunately I lack the wisdom to do so.
I physically can have a baby..but physically shouldn't. Too hard to explain on your blog, but while I held that precious 5 week old for all of 5 minutes, my heart hurt. I wanted another baby so badly in that moment.
I know Jenny. Being pregnant and being a mom of a baby passes so quickly. I wish I had the words, but I am stuggling with it tonight too...
You need a lot of love and you guys have that.
You have a beautiful family and I know you could do it again, as well, if not better.
You don't have to physically carry a baby to be a mom.
If you have the love to give, and the desire, what about considering adoption or fostering?
Just some thoughts.....
I know exactly how you feel. Even though I have four kids, and I know I shouldn't/couldn't handle another, I cannot stand for that part of my life to be over. When Jeff almost made the appointment to have a vasectomy, I started bawling! Then again when I had my yearly pap. My dr (well, midwife at the drs office, she had delivered Chance) suggested I get an IUD (a good solution for birth control, lasts 5 years) rather than the permanancy of sterilization. I probably will never have any more children. And I probably should be happy getting rid of baby things. But I cannot. I finally parted with my maternity clothes to a girl that really needed them. And I may LOAN out some of my baby things to her. But I cannot permanantly part with them. That part of my life CAN'T be over! I will keep every baby item I have as long as I can. I will pass them down to my children when they have children and hope they will use them, but never part with them (or just give them back to me).
You are very lucky and blessed to have Ed with you now. Hugs to you!!
Wow. I didn't know that was something us women go through. How heartbreaking.
And your husband is awesome.
I can imagine how you feel. I still have all of my "parts", but just never got pregnant again. Have not taken birth control in many years and just figured if I get pregnant again, so be it. If not, I'll just have to be satisfied with my only child. Years ago, I did get emotional when I saw babies and just yearned for another. Now that she's 16, I'm looking forward to more freedom for me. I want to travel a bit and even just go out for the evening and not worry she is having some big party at my house!
My closest friend is 40 and her girls are 2 and 4. I just can't imagine!
Tons of hugs, Jen. My heart is breaking for you... Have faith that this is the right thing for you. Perhaps, with acceptance, you'll find joy, again.
I love you, so, so much...GFW
but i do know, you are indeed truly blessed to have someone who understands and comforts you. that's a blessing at any phase.
((((Jenny))))
