Sunday, July 20, 2008

• Peek-A-Boob

  *I lack creativity today, but I really want to tell this story, so forgive its roughness.*

  Last year, the recreational center in our town opened up a new aquatics center featuring this fun stuff:

   

  Friday, Hubby and I decided it was long past time for us to take Little One and Part Deux to the aquatics center. We arrived with the center at a standstill because someone's little darling Baby-Ruthed the pool, and it was being shocked.

  (A sidebar to all of you with little darlings: TEACH THEM TO TELL YOU THEY NEED TO POTTY, OR DON'T TAKE THEM TO A PUBLIC POOL AREA! Seriously, folks. My child has been able to say she needs to potty since she began to be potty trained, and if I had an inkling that she might Baby-Ruth a pool herself, I would have her in a SWIM DIAPER! If you can afford admission to the water park, you can afford a swim diaper! Rant over.)

  About half an hour after we arrived, we were able to get into the pool. Little One was drinking it up! She had this huge area in which to show off her newly acquired swim skillz to Hubby and me. Of course, if you have ever met Little One then you know, she showed them off aplenty!

  Eventually, Little One needed to potty, and I took this opportunity to go ahead and change Part Deux's swim diaper as well. While I was changing the diaper, I kept hearing a woman ask "how old are you".

  Little One came running and stood between me and the changing station (I guess the inspector hasn't attacked the water park yet and lobbied to take away my ability to change my child there. Yes. I am still mad about that!), and it didn't take me long to realize that the woman was asking my Little One how old she was. As I finished up with Part Deux, the offender stepped around the corner.

  She reminded me of my worst relative in every way. Her hair was straw not only in color but in texture. Her eyes were sunk in and dark all of the way around. Her face was puffy. She had the distinct appearance of a woman who has, for lack of a better cliche to use, been rode hard and put up wet and probably not while she was clean or sober.

  It would come, then, as no surprise that when she asked me how old my daughter was while declaring that Little One wouldn't answer her when she asked (as if I was going to apologize for my daughter's blatant rudeness) my response was a curt, and rather slicing, "It's good that she didn't answer you. She's taught NOT to talk to strangers."

  And, with a stamp of the foot, she was gone.

  But not for long.

  I told Hubby about this lovely exchange when we all reunited with him in the pool. He listened, told Little One good job for not talking to strangers, reinforced why we don't talk to strangers, then told me to look at the kids' slide. It was there that I saw a woman, nay--THE WOMAN, on top of the children's slide with three-quarters of her haunches flailing in the wind because her swimsuit was made for someone with much small haunches. Hubby told me to wait.

  Then, she turned around, and to my amazement, the top was as small as the bottoms. Her breasts were literally spilling forth from the bottom (not the top)  of her swimsuit.

  Two slides down the slide later, Boobzilla made her appearance--nipple and all.

  She was running around the aquatics center airing out, so to speak. She was either completely oblivious or completely apathetic to the fact that she was flashing the whole park, and the poor pubescent lifeguards had a situation on their hands.

  The female lifeguard couldn't tell her. She whispered to the male. Poor, zitty, fifteen (maybe sixteen)-year-old. The red on his face showed through his bronze tan as he asked the woman to cover up, which she did after looking thoroughly baffled about why she needed to.

  Apparently, she forgets we don't do nude pools in Bible Belt, Texas.

  And Hubby? Oh. He laughed. He laughed so hard there were tears in his eyes. And what did he say?

  Anytime the lady was around he asked if I wanted to play Peek-A-Boob.

  Yes, we played. We are tacky that way. 

  I love that man. He makes the most offensive people funny.

  • 12:41 PM
  • 28 views
  • 16 eprops
  • 10 comments