Living a lie

 

 

an odd topic...probably what you thought when you saw it....maybe it took the slap in the face from someone i care deeply for, for me to wake up...i shouldnt have come to this but it is all my doing. Here is what i realy am.

two years ago, i found myself no longer loving the mother of my child. Instead of telling her right away i wasted a good year, trying to force myself to fall inlove with her again. I just couldnt. I told her and she was crushed. I didnt even feel bad. A week later she left for houston, and i had to drop from school. the following month i moved in with some friends. not because i couldnt find a job, but because i didnt try. i was to busy felling sorry myself. During that time i would talk to my daughter but i did nothing finnancialy to help.

The summer went by, my friend david came back down from PA. I stil had not found another job, i had it in my head that there was no work in el paso...not true, granted it does not have the greatest job market but i could have found somthing. Well he came up with the idea to go back to PA we could stay with his parents til we got our own place. At the time i had fallen for or atleast i thought i did, beth. So, with the thought in my head that el paso had nothing, and that PA would be the place for me to find work and the thought that i would be much closer beth i jumped to the chance. We lived with his parents for a month then got our own place.

That was september. Stil i did nothing to help...around feb i think the childsupport was ordered, i cant think of the exact date at the moment and my paperwork is buried under mounds of other things right now. Untill recently i sent nothing. I can say that we barly had enought to live off of and if i had it i would have..but thats no excuse..infact im done with excuses. Fact is, untill a few paychecks ago, i h ave not done anything financialy for my daughter...my calls to her once i lost the cell phone went from everyother day to once a week to now..almost non-existant.

ok now, i am in kettering oh. The panera here wants me to work for them, i took this chance because i want management. There is no guarantee i will become a manager but, these paneras are franchise not corporate. Corprate, sure i have a chance to become a manager..in about 4 years. Franchise, i have that chance much sooner, especialy since i have management experiance. i can see myself becoming a manager within a year at the most....much better chance if you ask me so i took it.

I was going up here also to meet hollie and possibly stay with her later. That wont happen now that she found out the truth, still a bit curious as to how but that doesnt matter. The fact is. i lied to her, i lied to everyone here, i lied to everyone in PA and jersey, ive lied to myself...most importantly and worst of all i lied and have let down my daughter. I am just so ashamed of myself, im turning into some of my uncles and im doing what my natural father did.....something i swore to myself i would never do.

so here in kettering i am, i have found a shelter to stay at and i can get online here for small amount of times.

I am sorry to everyone who ive lied to and i understand if no one here ever talks to me again.Hollie, i am sorry for all this, i know no amount of appoligising can make up for what i have done and how i have hurt you. I dont deserve to have even a friend as wonderful as you.  Beth im sorry you had to find this out like this..i just couldnt tell you.  i hope i dont lose your friendship either.  Katie, i dont know what to tell you, i just hope we can be friends again someday. Everyone from el paso, i understand if you all dont want to talk to me either. Brandy i owe you an appoligy more than anyone for all of this. Im just glad you found a good man, i was once a good man...i dont know what happened to me but i will try to be one again.

Well thats it, this is the real mike....i dont like it and i will change it. Thats all i have to say

 

and to my family, i added this here....dont worry about me ill be fine, not sure if you want to tell mom liz, i know she dont need the stress right now..let me know what you think though that maybe i should or not...your there and you know how shes doing.