Thursday, April 17, 2008
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There are few things in this world that truly make you stop and look around you. It is as if the world has frozen and you and this alternate thing, object, or significant person are on one level plane looking down upon this world that you are not a part of. Isolation is good as long as you know that you and this object are moving as one, being separated from the world can be good and yet you are alone. When two things orbit together on a seperate plane sometimes they attract and sometimes they repel. The longer he leaves me the harder it is to get back to that orbit. I do not mind that he has grown into a strange independence I honestly believe that it is him not needing anyone but himself which is only bad if he needed you before and you are obsolete now.
I used to be the independent one, I never let anyone in and I never got close. It was easy to keep up appearances and block people from my life. He walked in, took over and opened my heart. It was fine at first we both acted like we didn't need eachother and pushed eachother away and then we came closer, almost suffocating and loving every minute of it. The guilt wretches through my body at this exact moment wringing me of all purity I might have had left. Why does the world have to be so fucking complicated. I pressured him to eat out, party, and lose sight of his future. Or gain sight of what he really wanted. He left. I can't see it that way I need to stop saying he left. He didn't leave he ascended toward his future to save his own life. He was dying here with me. I was angry through basic training, then I was happy, then I was realizing how hurt I was. I never truly admitted what his leaving did to me. My heart hurts. Not like love, or like loss, but wonderment, my heart hurts wondering what would have happened if we had not met, would he be a better person for it?
When we are apart all we talk about is how we long to be near each other. When we are together we don't talk. Complication arose. I'm so different from him, he thinks that once he has the job, the car, the money and the boyfriend, he will be happy. I'll never be enough. I need to come to terms with that. Its kinda funny I need nothing in life but knowing how much I love other people around me and how lucky I am to have them in my world. I'm feeling heartache from someone who isn't a future lover, who isn't family, and who could never see me as enough. I definately don't feel like enough and I know he needs love and sex and trust. My question is, why don't I? I don't know what hurts the most...knowing he's giving all his smiles to others and having fun, or that I know that I'm going to fuck it up and try to push him away.
Its like this tick I have. Whenever I'm too close I push people away. We passed that and I thought I would be okay because we are going to be friends forever and I honestly believe that we will be, here I am though at that cross roads. I need him. He needs nothing. We share no common goals. I can't go a minute without wondering if he's okay, I have never been like this. I'm going to puke. Everything is wrong. I should be so happy he's home, I should be dying to be around him but I remember there are other people that want to see him. PEOPLE WHO DON'T CALL OR WRITE OR CARE ANY OTHER TIME THEN WHEN ITS CONVINIENT FOR THEM! People who have never put any effort into another person claim time with him. I know he needs it, I'd get sick of me too. I want to be the one that picks him up from the airport the one that drops him off. I'm sad. The best part about this whole hormonal mess is that I'm in school to be a psychologist.
Talk about fucking ironic. My whole body is covered in shivers at my shame of my future. I would be better off dead. I add nothing to anyone's life. And I don't know what scares me more, knowing that last statment is true, or knowing how far I will go to change people's opinions about me. Why do I care so much? I shouldn't. Fuck them. I can't live without him. So I can't live. My mother hates me enough, my father doesn't give a shit, the only reason I don't kill myself is that if I died now I could never pay my parents back for all they've done throughout the years. I would never want to be a waste or a burden. So I'm going to graduate, get a job, save money, and pay them for twenty years of life. Then I'll die. I only owe them. I'll make him an amazing goodbye gift though. Tops I have eight more years to do this. At 28 I'm gone. I will pay them, walk him down the isle, or at least watch from another seat, and devote myself to something better than I, God.
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