Friday, January 12, 2007
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A Thought...
Ugh... I am so bored with my life... I go back to school tomorrow morning and I haven't finished packing, but I hate it.
All I really want to do is spend time with my boyfriend, who is off hanging out with his brother, since he is leaving for school, too.
I am way too attached to him. When he's not around, I get so lonely and bored. I never used to get so attached. He's the only person I've ever told about my eating habits. I feel like I can trust him completely. And while it's wonderful... It also makes me want to be with him all of the time, causing me to neglect responsibilities, friends, and myself. I don't have any hobbies any more. I don't enjoy the things I used to.
And no, I'm not blaming this on him. This is my fault. For getting to attached, for not staying in touch with myself. For allowing my food and weight issues to completely dominate my life, especially now that I can share it with someone without feeling completely embarrassed or guilty.
I feel like I have nothing anymore. All I am is just an unneccessary attachment to his life, one that pulls him down because of her own dependency. And when he isn't there to depend on, she turns to binging to aid that lonliness.
Maybe that's where this shift occured. I used to be so independent, so strong, so fierce. So anorexic. Completely in control. And when I let my boyfriend in, when I became completely dependent and in love, I turned to binging, because now I know that I can't live without him. I've become needy and dependent. I binge.
And of course, while I wouldn't trade him for anything in the entire world... I just wish that I could have both. The ability to be independent and strong, while still being able to maintain my close relationship with him.
I only hope this is possible. Because I don't think I can take this much longer.
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Comments (3)
This self-reflection is a good exercise for you. Knowing yourself and your weaknesses is the first important step to
becoming a better person. doing something about it is the next step. I hope You can find ways to cure the dependency
with your boyfriend. Unfortunately, there are certain things that you can only achieve through the passage of time,
like wisdom, strength of character and experience. You're only 19 and you still have a lot of life lessons to learn.
In the meantime, do enjoy life, enjoy your freedom and your health.
Yes, I was an FA with an international airline based in Hong Kong (Cathay Pacific Airways). Their current requirement is at least 19 years of age with an arm reach (on tiptoes, without shoes) of 81.9 inches. I am 5'2 and my arm reach of 82.5 inches (just the top of a standard door).
If you're interested to find out more about becoming an FA, visit these forums
http://www.flightattendants.org/
http://www.airlinecrew.net
Indeed, being an FA is an exciting career. Give it a try.
Good luck!
Em