Good Bye?

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Posted by: MiAna_ED Original: 3/11/2006 10:52 AM Views: 12 Comments: 13 eProps: 22 Read Comments Post a Comment Back to Your Xanga Site

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2 eProps from: TInaAna24 AnorexicBiotch Empty_until_110 itsonlypain joeyjane SaR_sAR_sChNeTzYY IWantMyBodyBack DemonsOfTheSoulX555 politiking dying2bthin1188 AnaCouture_Creationz

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Hello girls...

I've had my suspicions for awhile that my fiance was reading my xanga... If it was anyone else I would have shut it down immediately and made a new one. But I was never really trying to hide it from him, he never asked. I kept it going because it was filled with things that I didn't have the strength to say, things that I had to say through another persona, Miana, to people I don't know in person. To me this was an opportunity to tell him things that I was too weak to say. But it didn't work out that way. I know that my eating disorder is destroying me and it was hurting our relationship, but now that I know he's reading it, instead of helping that relationship, this xanga made it worse. So I'm just gonna suck it up.

Yall know that for the last couple of months I've been trying desperately to turn my mind toward recovering but had a hard time completely letting go of ana... I've been pretty successful at breaking away from the physical aspect of anorexia but not the mind set so I have "bulimic moments" If I eat I feel horrible, and disgusting and worthless and depressed, but when I'm ana or mia I feel guilty...

I'm eating, but I want to learn to eat normal... not to much, not to little... In my attempt to eat, I've been eating way to much.

My goals were not really an attempt to get back into ana or mia but rather to gain control over my life and the things I don't like about me. I was trying to gain control so that I could ease myself out of this. But it's not working.

So with that I'm just going to break free, and yes I will probably be REALLY DEPRESSED because of it, withdraws, but I know that in time, even if it takes months or years, that it will get better.

I'm Sorry You Thought I Was Lying To You.
I once told someone that, the man I wanted to marry, was someone who in loving me, made me love myself. You used to be that person and I took that away from myself, and I want it back. Thank you for saving me... Because if I hadn't started dating you again last may, I have a feeling I'd have continued with my 15 lbs a month and reached my goal of 115 lbs by now... and then some. You saved my life.

</3 Rachel

P.S. Thank you Sony Bony, you're departure gave me the strength to let go too. And to Anoreix Biotch for her strength.

NOT ANYMORE

Posted 3/11/2006 10:52 AM - 12 views - 13 comments

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13 Comments

good luck with your recovery..i'm trying that also..stay strong

Posted 3/11/2006 11:36 AM by TInaAna24 - reply

i wish you all the luck in the world. things are going to be hard, but i know you can do this, and so can i, and so can sonybony, because we are all stronger than this disease, and in the end it will all be worth it. we can do this. Thats exactly how i am too; if i allow myself to eat it just goes into binge mode and thats not good either. ive got to find that happy medium and gain all the control i lost [[thought i once gained]]. Thank you so much for being there for me during this. It means alot to me to meet such amazing people like you and sonybony. You can do this. You are strong.

<3loveeeee

Posted 3/11/2006 1:03 PM by AnorexicBiotch - reply

Good luck with recovery,don't forget about us.

Posted 3/11/2006 4:44 PM by Empty_until_110 - reply

hey, i hope everything goes to plan

take care :) you deserve to be happy!

Posted 3/11/2006 5:16 PM by itsonlypain - reply

oh sweetie, i am sad and happy to see you go. i'll miss you like hell, but i know you need to do this and xanga just is very triggering sometimes.... good luck to you, please let me know how its going.... if you ever need tto just talk, email me, i'm there for you.

as for me, i'm trying to do the same thing, pull away slowly and replace all the ugliness my head throws at me with running, or something healthier. i don't want to be a statistic and i never would want my bf to see some of the things i've done to myself.... its frightening. its not really happening unles si have to talk about it... strength, girl, you have amazing strength and someone who loves you dearly.... hold on to that :)

Posted 3/11/2006 8:50 PM by joeyjane - reply