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Saturday, June 21, 2008

Safe Foods.
Dairy.
Activia.
Soymilk.
Cottage Cheese. Rarely.
Meat.
Chicken.
Salmon. 1x week.
Tuna.
Boca Burger. Rarely.

Vegetable.
Avacado.
Carrots.
Celery and peanut butter.

Fruit.
Strawberries.
Papayas.

Other.
Probiotic.
Calcium supplement.
Wheat Germ.
Bee Pollen.
5 almonds a day.
Oatmeal.
The kitchen is a forbidden zone. I am not allowed in it by myself.
If I'm at someone else's home, I can only eat when they offer me food. Then I only eat if they expect me to and I'll only eat half of what they provide. That way I can avoid insulting anyone, show that I'm eating, and not over eat the bad foods.
Every day at 3-4 I'm going to do cardio and weight training. If I'm not home then I will do it when I get home.
These are foods that contain all of the essential vitamins. If I'm well balanced I won't crave any food ever. I hate food. I hate it so much. I don't ever want to eat any of this. It all makes me want to throw up. In fact, most of the time it really does. I'm so sick of eating and being dependent on such a pathetic resource.
I've really hit my last straw. For the past 3 weeks I've been trying so hard to eat and be normal. But I can't. Every time I eat anything at all it makes me nauseous. I've been purging too much. I hate that no matter what I do I always feel the same after I eat anything. I think I have IBS. and there's no way to fix that. So I may as well not eat because I bloat up like a fucking whale every time I do.
I quit.

Update.

I've heard a lot about calorie shifting diets. I want to lose weight fast and then keep it off. I think I'll do the calorie shifting diet for a while and see how that works out.
Sample Diet Plan for Calorie Shifting Diet

Day 1
1^st Meal: Scrambled Eggs
2^nd Meal: Sandwich (any type)
3^rd Meal: Flavored Oatmeal
4^th Meal: Tuna Salad

Day 2
1^st Meal: Cottage Cheese
2^nd Meal: Scrambled Eggs and Mixed Vegetables
3^rd Meal: Chicken
4^th Meal: Banana Milk Shake

Day 3
1^st Meal: Chicken
2^nd Meal: Fish Filet
3^rd Meal: Cottage Cheese
4^th Meal: Fruit Salad
1. Establish a baseline. You need to consistently follow your diet for at least one month, which lures your body into expecting a steady stream of, say, 2000 calories a day.
2. Up-shift by 300 calories. Two times a week for the first week only, add 300 calories to your diet. On Monday and Thursday eat 2300 calories.
3. Down-shift by 500 calories. Two times a week for the second week only, subtract 500 calories from your diet. On Tuesday and Friday eat 1500 calories.
4. Up-shift by 400 calories. Two times a week for the third week only, add 400 calories to your diet. On Wednesday and Saturday consume 2400 calories.
5. Down-shift by 500 calories. Two times a week for the fourth week only, subtract 500 calories from your diet. On Thursday and Sunday consume 1500 calories.

Monday, June 09, 2008

Everything I've eaten I've purged.
My throat is beginning to hurt.
I make myself eat too much for the sake of being able to purge.
I hate the food will I'm eating it.
It's really helped me with the mental block I'm developing.
I hate food. I never crave it anymore.
Nothing makes you want to eat less than being forced to eat.
This is awful.
I'm back.
I gained the weight back in Mexico.
I look like a flabby worthless piece of meat.

I'm fasting tomorrow.
Starting a new diet plan.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

The false confidence presented in the post before has worn off.
I have lost some weight but what does that mean?
nothing...I'm far from my goal...and what are goals unless we reach them?
I watched a New York Minute...the movie that caused the Olsen twins eating disorder.
I realize that I have only begun. I quit or at least took a break from what I was.
I haven't fully accepted Ana.
I won't until I remember what it's like to hate being in the body I'm in.
I won't until I remember what it's like to be skinny.
I won't until I remember what it is to strive for more.
It's sacrifice.
It's committment.
It's endless.
It's survival...by necessity.
It's sadness...but it's me.

I can't live in the in between.
No confidence until goals have been reached.
No priviledge.
No worthlessness.
No fat.
No sickness.
No pain.

No abandoment from the girl I am inside.
I'm here for you Ana.
Just like you've always been here for me.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Geez. I disappeared for forever.
Family came in town.
I ate a lot..
but I didn't gain any weight. Thank God.
I'm about to head out to Mexico on Friday. I'm incredibly excited. I lost 5 lbs for this.
I'm still not happy with my weight but I'm glad I managed to keep the weight off. Especially after eating all I did with my family here. They look at you strange when you tell them you aren't hungry.
I'm going to diappear for a while again...but I'll be good.
I promise.