I'm trying to avoid binging. I'm not hungry at all but I'm…

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

I'm trying to avoid binging.
I'm not hungry at all but I'm craving like a bitch//
I'm looking up pictures and tips but I still feel tempted.
Lame.

Do not think of today's failures, but of the success that may come tomorrow. You have set yourself a difficult task, but you will succeed if you preservere and you will find a joy in overcomming obstacles.
Let me be empty and weightless and maybe I'll find some peace tonight.
Craving is only a feeling.
The difference between want and need is self-control.
Hunger hurts, but starving works.
Bones are clear and pure. Fat is dirty and hangs on your bones like a parasite.
Eat less, weigh less, fail less, feel less.
I feel better...

Update:
I am so glad I escaped that binge.
I'm still a little upset over my boy.
He's posted pictures of him "and his girl" on myspace...it just pisses me off.
I mean, a week ago all he could talk about was how much happier I made him.
I guess it's all bullshit anyway.
He's pathetic.
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
I hope I skip Bargaining and Depression.
I'd rather just stay upset with him and then just get over it.
I'm going to try for 600 today.
The strange part is. I'm never hungry...I could skip eating all day. But the second food passes my lips, it's like I go insane and start craving or feeling as though one more bite of everything won't hurt. I hate food...it's sinful and sickening. But I have to eat it. And when I do, it controls me. I want to beat this so bad.
Right now, I forced myself to drink the fruit drink. I made sure to make it bland.
I need to eat something else before I leave, otherwise I might binge during lunch...but I don't want to eat a damn thing. I could definitely go days without eating...but I don't want to kill my metabolism. It's such a sensitive thing. Ah, fuck it.
I'm stronger than a craving.
How do I beat this?
I want to be healthy...and delicate.
I don't want to starve the way I did before. Kill my metabolism and then binge my heart away because I'm still unhappy with myself. I do love my body now...I do. That's why I want to eat what keeps it thriving...but I hate it all so much...

Snack-
1/2 protein fruit smoothie. 100 cals?
Breakfast-
bowl of soup. 100 cals.
3 crackers. 30 cals.
1 1/2 pieces of bread. 194.
Lunch-
Chicken soup. 130 cals.
5 scones. 600 cals?

45 mins of tennis. - 246

600-1154=-554+246 = 308 over.
Hopefully I can burn that off at work tonight.
I'm going to carry every box that comes in...
Update:
Big breakfast. The rest of the day I'm having fruits. Low cal. Lots of energy.
I have to go to work tonight so I won't have to worry about binging.
And I have to go to the dentist at 2 so I'll have super clean teeth.
I hope she doesn't bitch at me about purging again..
Last time I went, the lady talked to me for about an hour about her bulimic/anorexic daughter.
My teeth are fine, but my gums are fucked. I guess she noticed.
I don't want to hear it...

Update:
I feel worthless.
At lunch...Everyone watched me with eager anticipation. I had been avoiding the plate laid out on the table as best as I could. They sat around, devouring their sickness and urging me to join. Pathetic. Why do I go to lunch with people who make me eat?
Scones...I have no idea how many calories are in them. No idea. They are homemade. That's the problem with homemade shit...you don't know how much you're taking in.
I ate five. After the first one, my bulimia kicked in and I automatically assumed that I could binge afterward...I couldn't. That shit just sat in my stomach.
They're hollow scones but what does that matter...I have no idea..then I got home and ate a little and then purged everything I could...

By the way...my dentist said my gums were perfect.