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| if a piece of toast strapped to the back of a cat,
with the butter side up, and you kicked it flat
off a building you watch it spin around and around
will it land feet first, or butter side down?
playing around with meter and rhyme... and fruity loops.
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| below averageATTENTION! According to the latest scientific research, approximately 150,000,000 Americans are of below average intelligence. yes, that's millions. Statistically speaking, this means every other person you meet is likely to be pretty un-smart.
For those graduating soon, I caution you all to be weary of whom you trust in the real world, whether it be with your money... your property... or your children (except the bastard one who throws pennies at homeless people). Odds are, you could have dangerous encounters everyday with NASCAR fans, hippies, people named George, Canadians, or even... me.
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| Inspired by indexed
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| how to flyforget everything you've learned about gravity. if you took high school fzx with mr. sanders, you're off to a good start. flying has nothing to do with defying gravity. just ignore it. sir issac was trippin; force = mass * acceleration, my ass. the only force you need is that of the jedi, my friends.
the first step in flying is to jump. whether this is performed from ground or off a building is up to you. by jumping, you momentarily create a space between you and the object you just left (say, of height x). your expectations would have you believe that this space is only locally maximized with respect to time because of the preconceived notion that the air maintains a rigid structural density, particle for particle. as a matter of fact, the gaseous nature of air leaves it to be virtually infinitely malleable (represented by red circles in figure above), thus allowing the possibility of expansion to a temporarily less dense state (essentially gaining a height y*). however, since the air as a system of the environment will try to balance itself back to equilibrium, expansion of the space beneath you necessitates a simultaneous collapse of equivalent magnitude of the air above (step #2).
don't be discouraged if you fail the first couple of times; it's a precise art that requires disciplined practice. once this step is perfected, however, you should find yourself in a slightly elevated position (with respect to ground) in a spacially distorted frame of reference. the next step is to convert the gained height, y, to a "normal" frame of reference. this can be accomplished by guiding a precise amount of air particles from above you to below you allowing the system to return to a uniformly dense state (step #3). this is where aerodynamics kicks in; slimmer, straighter figures have the advantage with respect to verticle particle redistribution (and you thought the superman pose was just for aesthetics). you should now be have achieved a state of particle flux equilibrium at a height of x+y above the ground.
remember now that x was the height of your inital jump, and y originates from the expansion/collapse of air particles around you. it helps that you visualize these "blocks" of air as separate objects. the block directly beneath you of a height, x, will be referred to as the "x-object", and the remaining space as the "y-object". to achieve the effect of flying, you have to repeat the previous steps (from step #2), starting with expanding the x-object and ending with the creation of a new y-object. the effect of "gravity" will continuously elevate particles from x- and y-objects to their original occupation, bringing the system back to an inert state†.
horizontal gain is achieved by the same principles, but there is no need for a self-correcting force such as gravity, since the domain is infinite: expansion/collapse "above" in the horizontal plane is equivalent to its counterpart "below" (think of earth as a sphere).
of course, all of this is impossible without knowing how to manipulate particles in the first place. feel free to read up on it in my book, The Theory of Four-Dimensional Transport Phenomenon☺, only $699.99 and in stores now!
* the magnitude of y is proportional to your own particle manipulation abilities
† if you think of the environment as a computer program, the x-object
behaves like a temporarily allocated variable while the y-object is put
on a FILO stack. every iteration of the previous
steps "pushes" a y-object on the stack, while gravity continuously
"pulls" from it
☺related supplemental reading: How to Acheive Multiple Orgasms ($1349.99).
<edit>
damn. someone thought of this before me, but with slightly more practical applications.
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| the end of the track is your final destination. your journey doesn't end until you reach your final destination. but since the track is circular, the end can be thought of as the beginning. thus, the final destination IS the beginning, with an infinite journey in between.
consider this:
1
---- = 0
∞
now rotating both sides of this equation by 90 degrees (counter-clockwise) gives:
- 1 8 = 0
add 8 to both sides
- 1 0 = 8
again rotating both sides of the equation by 90 degrees gives:
0
---- = ∞
1
but since anything divided by 1 is itself....
0 = ∞
you're welcome for blowing your mind
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