Saturday, December 22, 2007

• So this is Christmas

  
  

  I love Christmas. It’s always one of my favorite times of year (of course).

  But this year is different. Last year was different too. And the year before that. And actually, even the year before that to some extent.

  But this year, it’s really different.

  Yes, I will be in Indiana for Christmas. I will be with my in-laws and not with my family for the first time ever. And to be honest, I keep thinking about how we are going up to the U.P. the week after Christmas so much, I keep forgetting that it will be hard come Christmas eve. Mostly the morning of Christmas. When we wake up at my mother-in-laws and instead of being excited to go downstairs to see the presents under the tree, we’ll be getting ready to go to another family members to hang out.

  But the hardest part won’t be knowing that I’m away and I’m missing out on enjoying that time with my family, it’s that the rest of my family is also. Oh I’m sure that there will be presents under a tree (I hope there’ll be a tree!). But it won’t be the same. It will be a new house, and perhaps even new people. And not everyone that should be there will be. I guess I don’t understand why that’s so hard, but it is. When we go up I plan on going to the house and getting anything that’s left that I want. Yet at the same time I am so afraid of going there and seeing it empty. For good.

  And then there’s the whole thing about my Dad’s wedding. To be honest, I’m really afraid I’m going to cry the whole time. But not out of joy. Out of mourning. Kinda like with the house. Mourn for what once was and now cannot be. I want my dad to be happy. And I’m thrilled that he is. I want to go to the wedding and be overjoyed.

  When the whole thing about them getting married first came out, I asked him to at least wait till after Christmas so I could get over things and be truly happy for him. And that’s just what he did. I am thankful for that. I realize now though that time doesn’t always heal. I know people say that, but to be honest, I don’t think it’s true in this case. And perhaps many others. Perhaps it should be said, “Time numbs”. But once again, not in this case. At least not yet.

  So I know, I said I wasn’t using this anymore. But I don’t want to put it on my blogspot. I just felt the need to let it out.

  Oh and I just want to clear up the fact that I do love Matt's family. And I am happy to be here with them. Thankfully, they have traditions that are similar to my families. Well just the fact that they have traditions make me happy! Of course, that makes it harder to be with my family though. Thankfully, it's not awkward like "in-laws." I fit in well with them and they and we all get along great. Great blessing.
  

  • 6:07 PM
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