when you are in the the middle of writing a really long post. and someone shuts the computer down on u. bs.

it was getting good too.. so i  guess i will try to recreate it but ya know. the second is never as good as the first. Bleh okay. so here goes nothing.

Well sara and lauren just stopped by for a hour. it was such a nice surprise. idk sara telling me here weekend made me sad. cuz i couldve been with them. :/..idk i feel like i passed my prime already. shes doing the things i was doing two years ago. its like damn ive hit the point of no return. >.< bills, jobs, dates, and money. time to grow up dont ya think.

i mean i shouldnt talk. i called out of work again today. i mean i am really sick so i guess its okay. idk though cuz i feel kinda guilty. i dont like calling out and now i hope it doesnt make me look bad. idk. i kinda wanna quit. i dont like it much. idk i guess i should just keep trying. im ready? there are things that could be a plus with this. maybe i should asked to be switched to part time.... i mean i will be starting driving school soon. idk. i miss alex. i wish like. our situation was different atm.

like if here were actually working and had a steady job right now and he was near me. i think this would all be alot easier. i feel so alone. i hate meeting new people. like i dont know if im ready to start making new friends and what not. like i dont really know who i am right now. sorta confused. im in such a werid spot right now. i used to have so many friends. and then they all kinda disappeared. it seems like because i move so much and ive lost contact then tried contacting again it just doesnt work. and ive done it again with whiteford to abderdeen. everyone i knew there ive lost. at first it was oh well keep in contact and still hang out. but now its like trishy who?. and now im at walmart meeting some new people. but im skeptic like when i move to towson is this all gonna be the same. ill meet people here and then lose them when i moved to towson. its crazy. i hate it.

i wish people would just open their mouths. say hey trish do u wanna hang out. we can go to a movie or shopping or clubbing or anywhere. except go to ur house and sit there. im ready to actually start going places and crashing afterwards. like come on. were so lazy. like the only way im gonna sit around someones house is when im drinking and there are more then 6 ppl there. like 10 or 12 is a good number. But 3 no fuck that then i feel like a damn third wheel. FUCK THIS. im done.

all i know is that i want some friends. no one whos gonna use me stab me in the back or talk shit. or is obnoxious. i tend to attract those kind of ppl. ew.

also i fuckin miss alex. and im ready to do this together.

I hate my job. its to big of a company.

how can i make money?

-trishy p00

I love alexness <3333

i got the job. now i must be going

love,

trishy

I LOVE ALEX

LANPHEAR

I think i finally realize who i can really trust and who i can really be close with.

I think that most people are stuck up and fake. No one is truelly themselves and no one is true.

what is wrong with people now. i mean back in the day it was so easy to be like oh yeah im friends with this person and that person. Now its like okay. This person is completely out of their mind and doesnt know what they want. Dont lie to me. Dont pretend like you give a shit. If you dont wanna be my friend then dont. It wont hurt me in least bit. i know now who is my friend. And even if that is only one person. then so be it. i dont need anyone else. Life is the most puzzling thing ever. Seriously what are we meant to do? Fail then fail again? Its like we are just walking in one big circle. Im tired of people doing the same thing over and over. Oh yea were friends. Oh wait we havent talked in a while ur not my friend anymore. Fuck that.

Fuck people who arent who they really are and put on this stupid ass cover. Who cares how dumb you really are. who cares what ur like deep down. If thats who u r embrace it. Dont fucking sit there and pretend ur something ur not.

I am who i am and im not scared of that. Im a total fucking nerd. I like pokemon and i like zelda. i love video games that scare the shit outta me. i like roller coasters. and amusement parks. I love halloween. I love candy. but cant eat it cuz my teeth are fucked up. i get pimples from stress. i used to pick my nose. i cant do jumping jacks. I like guitar even though i cant play. Piano is the most beautiful instrument ever. I love goth music. it makes my soul feel good. I like industrial and techno. gets me pumped. I will always be a fan of the macorana. I admit i still like good charlotte. I hate sports. i think they are the biggest waste of time. I dont like smoking anymore. i quit. I smoke to many cigerettes. I like drinking in small porportions. I like swimming. i love food. and i love cooking. But i dont want to work in a resturant. i want a job i can have for a long time. i wouldnt mind working at walmart. I hate living in aberdeen. i hate death. i hate missing people i hate remembering the past. i hate that i live in the past. i hate that i cant move on with my life. i hate that i never have clouser. i hate that i cant stand to be alone but always am. I love movies. Chick flicks and disney. Horror movies and thrillers. I hate action movies. im a sucker for romance. i cry during movies. i cry when someone hurts me. i cry when someone yells at me. im sensitive. I hate being hurt. I like pudding. Im mad that alex is gone. im mad because drugs were more important then i was. Im mad because Everyone only thinks of themselves and im tired of being lied to. Im tired of people reminding me of what i failed at. Im tired of people reminding me of my hardships. and im tired of writing to no one. im an attention whore. I love my camera. my walls are my best friends. and i hate people. im fat. My head is ugly. ive been picked on my whole life and still am. i feel as if ppl talk about me all the time. i have anxiety.  i used to cut myself. alot. ive been in shepard pratt twice. i hate cops. i hate the goverment and i hate our judiscial system. I think our courts are messed up. I miss justin hannah. i pissed my pants in the third grade. it still haunts me. I like it in the butt and i like sex.i dont like forplay. i like rubber bands. when i get nervous i twist them between two fingers. im engaged. and im happy. Even though hes gone atm im still happy. I miss my grandfather. I miss blk josh. i miss steve baker. i wish they would come back to me everyday. I miss my family. i wish my brother would move back home. i feel so lonely all the time. Ive been depressed badly since i moved. new places scare me. I wanna live on my own. i wanna get my lisence n my ged and be fruitful. but im scared. im scared to get a job.i love dancing i love writing. i love experimenting with my hair. i love pericings i love tattoos. I love hurting myself.

yea.

-trishy

p.s. i love alex.