At the risk of sounding 'Emo,' I seem to be failing at everything.  Everything I give my time, money, and all my effort, I fail at.  At that is when i'm lucky.  When i'm not lucky, i succeed, but then I almost wish i hadn't.  It's like you love Apples, and you work really hard to grow an really rare apple tree.  Then after you take a bite of the apple, it not only tastes horrible, but everyother apple you eat from then on also tastes absolutely disgusting.  Look, I even fail at making a decent analogy. 

In fact, the only things I seem to be suceeding at is school work, at that is just given too me.  I Don't have to try to give good grades.  I don't earn them.  And you know what I predict.  That I don't get into the college that i want, by the narrowest margin, or worse, i will and find that i end up hating it.  Euh.  I am so depressing.  And then people are going to comment showing pity, and then i'll feel bad, or they wont so i don't feel bad, and then i'll feel bad because no one pities me.  How do i always end in in no win scenarios?

Euh... Just ignore me for a bit, just venting i think.  I'll be fine by Saturday.  Saturday is going to be a good day, unlike this one.  meh, at least i wasn't 'poopervised.' If you don't know what that word means, go read a much better written and more timely updated xanga. OhForSixes. 

The days i need a hug are always the ones where i don't get one.... and that is all the whining i'll allow myself for awhile. Like a year or two. Man... i'm really whiney....  I'll update in a month or two.

Ciao

Reality

What is reality?  What is real?  I fear I do not know, for I cannot discern the truth.  I see the world through tinted glass, and I am left unsure of other's intent.  Is a smile just a smile, or is there more behind?  How am I sure that is not just what I want to believe?  Is being occasionaly ignored a sign of veiled dislike or it is simply human forgetfulness? Filled with uncertainty I try not to stray too far in either extreme, but I find myself instead of standing on neutral ground, being flung from extreme to extreme like a ball in some sick tennis match, until I'm lost irretreivably in my own delusions. 

I have been, I am, I shall remain. 

Currently Watching Trigun - Lost Past (Vol. 2) see related

The cold... so cold that it creates a fire on my skin as I walk briskly through this November air.  The wonderful thrill of feeling this wonderful world god created.  The awe of the sensations that make my eyes bright, as I feel alive.  Yet when I am alone at night, the cold chills me down to my bones, down to my soul....

Have any of you ever got the sense of being alone, when you're in a crowd full of people?  To talk and smile, and see friends... yet it doesn't seem real...  sometimes I wonder if i take the world too seriously... it really is just a big joke, a big joke on me it seems.

Yes, I am aware that I don't make much sense, and that I don't sound all too happy.  Both are almost certainly true.  I don't know, what is truth?  It just scares me when I can't tell if what the world tells me is real... or if it is really all self-delusion....

Wow, I'm really insecure today.  Must be the senility creeping up.  Did you hear?  My birthday was on the 16th.  Of course if you are one of the three(or possible four) people who read this xanga, you probably already know, as two of you made me very nice cards.  They are on my computer table, next to my bed. 

Everyone must take time to sit and watch the leaves turn.  ~Elizabeth Lawrence

Currently Listening Unplugged in New York By Nirvana The Man Who Sold the World see related

I'm only 4433 words behind already on my novel.  I am going to fail at this, so badly.  I've confirmed my grades today, I have all As.  I have one A- in french, but that is good for me... better than my usual B.  I Don't feel all that talkative today, may be from lack of sleep.  Sleep... i remember that... i once had that... last july?  Band sucked today.... School sucked....  but life is good.  Why?  Because its getting better all the time... and the bastards in Harrisburg are realizing that we don't like it when they pay themselves more money.. illegally no less.  I realize that I love most people, and the few exceptions i want to kill.... does that make me an extreamist?

Kindly Disturbed,

Chuck

I am sick, but it's not the regular, oh i got the cold/flu/bubonic plague sick, oh no.  It is much more insidious.  It is allergy sick.  It doesn't go away in a few weeks, or end in my untimely death, i have to suffer through the headaches, the sniffiling, the sneezing for weeks on end.  What's even worse, is that you all have to listen to me whine about it.  Despite that horridness, i feel quite cheerful.  Life is grand.  Quite irrational thinking from me, especially when I have left my math book at school and I'll have to squeeze it in somehow before... 3rd period (hey it's only 2 points...))  Still, I feel like i'm trapped in a melodrama.  I'm happy one moment, depressesd at the next.  Not a good melodrama either(assuming there is one) but one of those ones where you discover your sister is really your cloned evil -half twin.  I guess it doesn't help that I read so much, that sure doesn't strenghten my bonds with reality, but then, reality is so... real, somtimes i think a bit of surreality(is that a word?) is good for people.  I'm just going to keep writing until I run out of things to think about, or pass out, which ever comes first in my subjective time.  Time... is time really linear, or do we just think it is?  Has everything already happened, and how we move through time only an illusion our minds are playing on us?  It has been proven that information in the present can effect what happened in the past.  Is the universe really rational?  I don't belive it is.  We certainly can't understand it.  If the universe was rational, would we be able to understand it?  We definately are not rational beings,  quite irrational at most times.  We tend to rely on our 'intuition' and 'common sense.'  Here is an example.  A professor is giving a lesson on mathamatical probablities, he askes his students to imagine they are in the final prize session of a game show.  They have three cards to choose from One being a new car, and the others minor prizes.  He selects one of his students and asks her to choose a card.  Then he reveals one of the cards she didn't pick as a minor prize.  He asks her if she should change her pick.  She says no, her common sense telling her it didn't matter.  The professor grinned, and explained to her that the probabilities were substatially higher if she switched. If she stayed with the original one, she still had the original 1/3 chance, but if she changed cards, her chances rose to a 1/2.  This is the kind of thing that goes on in my head constantly.  I hope it explains to some of you why i'm a bit um... odd at times, like right now.  Why would I be writing this in my xanga?  Don't ask me, I'm irrational.  ^_^ 

Ta Ta!

(If you actually read through all that, you deserve a cookie... but I'm sorry, i have not cookies to give ;_;)

<(^_^<)  <(^_^)>   (>^_^)>  Dance Kirby, Dance!

P.S. I take no resposibility for anything i said.... ever.