Tom S. (an older student at my school) published an article I thought was insightful and worth quoting here. Feel free to take issue with it
"Enough of the extra-biblical command to 'guard' each other's hearts. If you want a girl's heart, what are you doing trying to protect her heart from you? (Talk about the epitome of self-hatred.) If you don't want a girl's heart, what are you doing claiming her heart as yours to protect?"
"If you are not able to ask a girl how she feels about you, and accept what she says as true, not merely her trying to 'make sense of the world', then you prefer your fantasy over a potentially painful reality."
"Stop it with the my-heart-is-a-treasure-chest-with-one-key-that-can-only-be-used-once idea (<3TC1K1x).
"It would be a curious study to discover the roots of the guard-your-heart phenomenon of Christian fundamentalism; not the I-don't-want-to-get-hurt protectionism that probably dates back to the beginning of time, but the 'sin' of too much emotional investment particular to the Christian community.
"Unless I missed the verse that says, 'Men and women, take care to guard each other's hearts from emotional attachment until it be done in the right way, at the right time, mutually felt, and coordinated through the father,' then this idea was not Biblically derived. Scripture has a lot to say about guarding our hearts from sin. But the heart is deceitful, and if we have troubles judging our own motives, how in the world are we going to accurately judge someone else's?"
"So instead of manufacturing the complexities, just act honestly and intentionally. Play your cards on the table, and if others are hiding some under the table, just ignore it."
"If you genuinely feel the need to stal...protect someone, do so honestly, fearlessly, and deliberately. Cloud 9 or the Ninth Circle is healthier than the in-between."
Comments (10)
pretty good article, i enjoyed it
Great article which perfectly captures what I always thought was wrong with that whole idea. How can you try both to win a girl's heart and protect it at the same time? It's like, do you want her to love you or not?! I can only wonder how such a blatantly contradictory and self-defeating ideology came to be accepted as part of modern evangelical orthodoxy.
hmm...interesting. now i want to read the whole article.
I would respectfully disagree. As someone in the midst of one of these "guard your heart" situations, I think that the concept is one often demanded by the dictates of wisdom. In my specific situation, to lay my cards on the table, telling the girl I like her and would like to start a relationship with her, would actually be a disservice to her in many different ways, but especially because it would be very unwise to actually start a relationship at this point. Telling her that would merely get her hopes up for a future event which may or may not happen, since we're not able to presently act on it.
I think the principle of "guard your heart" applies to those situations where the relationship cannot be taken any further at the present moment, so the man serves the woman by not getting her hopes up or leaving her pining for a future event. Although "guard your heart" may not be in the Bible, "serve your brothers and sisters in Christ" most certainly is, and that's the principle I think applies here. "Guard your heart" is just a helpful way of stating this principle when it comes to relationships.
I agree with PoorPritchard. I think that Mr. S. has missed the point of the "guarding others' hearts" idea (or has been exposed to a much more extreme strain than I). The point, as I understand it, is when you are not ready to commit to a life-long relationship, neither seek an exclusive relationship, nor demand it of the other person. By exclusive relationship I also mean "romantic" (not that it's very likely you're going to demand exclusivity of any other than a romantic interest anyway). Being friends, sure--taking this to romantic levels (and wiser heads than mine can figure out where the line lies) or demanding an exclusive relationship, though, is unfair to her and presumptuous of the man.
But, if and only if you are ready to commit your life to the young lady's, by all means, go for the gusto and ask whether or not she is willing, as well. Then is the time to lay your heart on the line and disturb the equilibrium of hers, and not before. We may want something, and it may not be the time to have it. It is for her sake that we do not ask until it is the proper time (as decided by the wisdom of our parents and a jolly lot of prayer on our parts). As far as her father being involved...ummm, let alone the fact that every child--not just the ladies-- is under the authority of their parents until married (my understanding of "he shall leave his mother and father and cleave unto his wife, and they shall be one flesh"), isn't it just common courtesy to honor the father's interest in his daughter's well-being? As he said, our hearts are deceitful, and those who have already lived through this and are outside the passion of the moment are the ones to seek for wisdom and guidance.
As far as Scriptural support, I have none with his words.
And those that I do have are ambiguous enough that an inveterate opponent of the idea can probably dismiss them, but I hope he can at least consider them:
"I charge you, O ye daughters of Jerusalem, by the roes, and by the hinds of the field, that ye stir not up, nor awake my love, till he please." (Song of Solomon 2:7; cf. 3:5 and 8:4)
Song of Solomon 4:12 (in its full context)
Song of Solomon 8:8-10
Then, of course, in the light of 1 Corinthians 13, one may rightly ask whether one who asks for a relationship before he is willing to commit himself to it is seeking his own interest or the interest of his love.
For what it's worth....really, though, I think we agree on how one is to act when one is ready to commit to a courtship (though we may disagree on the particulars of when one is ready to court), and I think he's attacking a straw man that he misunderstood for "modern evangelical orthodoxy" (though I may point out that it's more associated with conservative branches than the mainstream evangelical churches, which are just as much casual-dating-throughout-the-teen-years-until-you-find-the-right-one-thereby oriented as anyone else). I hope he does so inadvertently.
Sola Gratia,
Colin C.
http://lightbrigade88.blogspot.com
I like it, but I don't have paragraphs to say.
@ Colin: He's really talking about the conservative or fundamentalist groups I think.
I think he was, too. Perhaps I was merely quibbling over terms in that last part. *sigh* It's been known to happen before.
But in any case, the "guarding each others' hearts" thing, at least as I've understood it (and I've been raised up on Josh Harris, too, hehe), is better applied to when neither party is ready to commit to a relationship, so I still think he misunderstands the position...
So my point still stands for analysis, if my ethos be somewhat damaged.
Thank you Colin, that was well stated.
To provide a counter-example to my earlier point, I was just a bystander to a relationship carried out the way it appears Tom S. is advocating. I'm very good friends with a girl on campus (we'll call her Kim) and am acquainted with another guy (we'll call him Phil). Phil met Kim, and was immediately attracted to her. He started hanging out with her quite a bit, and after about two weeks of pretty constant interaction, he approached her and told her that he was interested in pursuing her, although he thought they should just continue as friends for now.
After having watched this relationship play out, which quickly ended in pain for both involved but especially for Kim, here's why I don't think Tom's idea is helpful. Phil felt like it was pointless to just keep his romantic interest to himself, or as Tom put it, "Instead of manufacturing the complexities, just act honestly and intentionally. Play your cards on the table." Phil did just that, and in doing so destroyed any kind of healthy relationship they could have had. Despite his intention to continue as friends, he made friendship impossible by stating his romantic interest early on. Yet, early on is exactly when the relationship needs to be built as a friendship first, with romance being added in on top of a strong friendship.
As one of Kim's closest confidantes, she told me the effect of Phil's declaration of sentiments, which was to make mere friendship impossible while at the same time making romance impracticable, because she did not know him well enough as a person to trust him in a romantic relationship. Phil put his cards on the table like Tom advises, but because he was not concerned with guarding her heart, he ended up wrecking the whole relationship.
I just wanted to provide this example which was unfortunately very fresh in my mind. It was a very sad situation to watch unfold, because Phil was not willing to let friendship develop and guard Kim's heart until their relationship was in a place where he could actually ask for her affections in a real romantic relationship. Having experienced both sides of what Tom has described, I have come down on the exact opposite side: carrying out a relationship Tom's way is very unwise, whereas waiting and guarding the girl's heart until you're ready to commit seems much wiser
Trust is really important.