Wednesday, August 09, 2006

• Inside camping
  

  
  
  

  Firstly, camping is about surviving in the outdoors. The most important part of surviving any situation is to do it with comfort. The second most important thing is to do it with style.
  

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  A fire should  be started using small pieces of wood / tinder.. If you're on a beach make a beg of stones on the sand... anything that lifts the fire and lets air pass underneath. . You don't need to pile stones around the fire.  Only if its very windy and even then,  only on the wind side.. Large surrounding stones are a hollywood invention..  they effectively smother the fire  and make it harder to get going.  .
  

  
  

   Use sticks or twigs bunched together like a wig wam.  All standing almost vertical. Add  a few cap fulls of paraffin or put a fire log underneath it at an angle..  and hey presto.  
  
  A fire takes about an hour to get to the heat required for cooking...
  

  
  Burning your shoes
  

  
  I have witnessed on several occasions, people sitting with their legs crossed beside a fire..  one second they're sitting calmly,  the next they're running around stamping their feet.  Be careful... shoes melt...  and whatever is inside them will cook.
  

  
  

  
  
  Burning yourself.
  
  

  This is also something I have witnessed.. and more often,  personally experienced.  If you don't want to get burned,  keep your hands out of the fire.  I tend to grab onto things  that I think aren't burning,  only to yelp and scream like a little girl  as my fingertips sizzle.  Its important  to immediately get cold, if not Iced water  onto any burn  immediately.  Contrary to popular belief,  you can stop a blister forming if you cool down the region fast enough.  Also... by keeping the burnt area submerged in ice cold water  until the stinging starts to fade  this will insure a pain free  next day.
  
  Never pour from a bottle of paraffin  or petrol  onto a fire...  you might set your bottle and yourself up in flames.  Thankfully I've never been stupid enough to do this.  But I've seen it done,  and its not pretty.  Petrol  is almost explosive.
  
  Should you happen to set yourself  completely on fire   do the following..
  
  Shoot yourself.
  
  The pain from a body burn is the most intoxicating of all pain...  its even worse  than pulling off your big toe nail... and it lasts for days.  The nerves just keep firing off signals  long after the fire is out.  Once the adrenaline drops  you'll need a hospital... again...  apply ICE.. cold water  to brief exposure burns.
  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  Avoiding boredom
  

  
  

  Bored Games
  

  It is difficult enough to play scrabble...  I tend to get words  like "nuns,  spam & he"  occasionally I'll get a word such as "fruits"  or "bagpipe".  If one should need an extra buzz from scrabble I would suggest playing on a wind swept beach. We were half way through an uninspired game the other day  when the wind swept our letters away.
  
  

  Needless to say,  we gave up.
  

  
  Making tea for old women.
  
  If you've got a flask and you're bored... make tea for complete strangers on the beach.  Usually you'll find a frozen old woman  standing by the edge of the sea... peering out to see if her "Walrus" like husband  has submerged.  Offer her some tea.  That way  there'll be one less old biddy  moaning about how all the young people have gone to shit  these days.
  
  Of course,  remember to throw away the cups afterwards...  it will prevent catching the dreaded age virus.
  
  Speaking to strangers.
  
  A time will come whilst camping  where you might find yourself alone...  The wife/gf/lover has gone to fetch milk at the local shops...  this is a time where you will be tempted to say hello to strangers walking by. Cause you're lonely/ bored......  Conversation with strangers should be kept to a minimum, ie.  a hand wave.. a gesture such as "its a lovely day isn't it"... even a sentence is too much sometimes.  They invite themselves to sit down... start eating your cake.  The next thing you know they're asleep in your tent...  and you' lying in the car with you spouse wondering how the fcuk all that happened. 
  
  

  You have a filthy mind
  

  
  I am merely stating that some people can be imposing... and one should welcome the moment to yourself.  If you're not bothered by what others think, try doing some yoga on a rock. This will insure that they don't come over and talk to you.
  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  Biking
  

  Cycling is great.. but two bikes really need a bike rack.. its inconvenient to ask loved ones to share their seat with two wheels..  Although  nice  and easy  I would recommend driving the route first, thus avoiding running into a dead end and having to turn back.
  

  
  Hidden dangers... dog traps...  a helpful kick to the skull will shoo any small hound.
  
  Closed shops... avoid cycling 6 miles to the shops only to find them closed.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  Out door toileting..
  
  I don't give a shit about the taboo
  
  

  A hazardous experience no matter how many times one tries it.  You are invariably in full view of someone... no matter how protected you feel.  It is best done at night. Unfortunately on most occasions the urge only presents itself during the busy periods of the day. When four family's and an inquisitive dog have invaded your secluded spot.  You have
  
  

  poo options
  

  
  
  Get to a local convenience.
  Go swimming.
  Get constipation
  risk a brief crouch behind a rock
  
  Personally I'm with the romans on this one.  My rear prefers the convince of a white polished,  lightly scented bath room.  IT feels unnatural and base to have to crouch above a hole in the ground, balancing precariously so as not to piss all over ones trousers.  All the while scared shitless that someone will arrive unannounced around the corner... and catch you crapping.
  
  If you are afraid of out door toiletry  all you have to do is not eat solid food on the week preceding your camping trip.
  
  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  Clothing.
  

  
  

  Whats the point ... bring as little as possible...  bring at least two pairs of underwear for each day.  Store all clothing in a sealed bag within the tent.
  
  

  A rain jacket is needed at night..
  
  

  Beaches and camping are outdoor activities.. one should experience skinny dipping at least once in ones life
  

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

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