For a lot of outcasts, or those who blend in with the crowd so well no one sees them, life is painful. And that seems to be all they see is the pain they are in.

I'm in pain because my engagement was just broken off. That hurts like fucking hell. But at the same time...how many people have I hurt?

Sure, I grew up with a whole lot of people who made fun of me, laughed at me, ignored me, or...were...afraid of me (for stalkerish reasons...if anyone sees Tony Carter tell him I'm sorry I was so freakish. *shudders*) but everyone has their own reasons for being how they are, and everyone eventually (hopefully) grows up and realizes what they're doing isn't right. Many of the people I grew up with that teased me have become wonderful people, and are very friendly now. I'll never forget the pain I was caused by whatever they said or did, but I can forgive them for being human.

So, to clear up the records...I'm not mad at anyone who ever teased me or backstabbed me. I can't be. Life is too short to worry about that and to hold onto the past. So in kindergarten I said I was going to marry my best guy friend and you laughed in my face? It was KINDERGARTEN. So what if I thought you were my friend and then you tricked me in third grade and made fun of me for liking the same guy you did?

I was the butt of many jokes, and it hurt. I've been told many many many times over the years by many people (even college students, and at this age, no. not forgiven. because you should know better.) to stop eating. To look in a mirror. To get up off my ass and do something. If you can think it up, it was said to me. I remember one time in gym in elementary school everyone was tired...and the teacher said "It's not over until the fat lady sings, so keep running!" I remember a boy turned to me (yes, I remember who it was) and said "yeah, Laura, sing so we can stop!" I've been through a lot. And this isn't me being emo and this isn't me trying to get sympathy. I'm just trying to be honest, and to prove a point.

I'm pretty sure Paint Branch thought I was lesbian. I hung out with a lot of oddball girls and I like hugs and such. I never dated, and never really expressed interest in any of the mainstream guys. No, not lesbian. I went to prom Junior year with a girl because I couldn't get a date, and she was my best friend. I went with a group Senior year for the same reason. I'd let myself become invisible. I disappeared into the crowd. Friendships were fluid (excepting theatre <3 you guys.) and times were hard. But I realize that was my choice. I held onto my past and let it pave my future. And I shouldn't have.

But as invisible as I felt and let myself be...I wonder how many people I've hurt. How many times did I misinterpret someone and think they were teasing me when really they were to afraid to try to befriend me? How many times has a guy liked me and I completely ignored it because I'm apparently completely oblivious when guys are flirting with me?

I can't hold onto all this baggage. It's always weighed me down. It's the reason I'm no longer in college, to be honest. My grades suffered because of major depression, severe anxiety, and social anxiety disorder. I was always depressed, but being made fun of just made it worse. I always worry what people think of me that they aren't saying. There are certain things I won't eat, certain things I won't do, simply because I'm so sure that any witnesses would think awful things about me. In reality I know they don't really care, usually. I've frustrated the living hell out of friends and ex boyfriends because I don't see myself as pretty. How you see yourself is only partially internal. The rest is based on external influences: how you compare yourself to others and how they compare themselves to you. Seeing as how most of my influences were negative, I have negative body image. Always will, I think. And I know that isn't my fault. It doesn't say I'm not strong. It says that I had external influences adding to suspected internal ones. So I will always feel like I weigh 800 pounds, and like a whale, even if I do eventually reach a healthy weight. I can change it, to an extent, as can others. My ex-fiance, Chris, always told me how beautiful I am...and would compliment me, and fuss over my eyes or my hair or lips...any feature that he found attractive. It helps, to have someone try to build you up like that. He meant it, and I knew it. I never really acted like I believed it, but a part of me did.
And now I walk with my head up.

People don't realize the effect they have on other people. They don't realize how the little things could change a whole life in an instant. Everyone is guilty of this, I know, and I am no exception. Just because you've been through pain doesn't mean you haven't caused it.

Also for the record, it never has been my fault that I have the figure I have. I tried to lose the weight. I ate nothing but salads, I would run until I was nauseated and almost passed out and keep running. I would ride an exercise bike for 2 hours at 15-20 miles per hour and be useless for days afterward. I drank slim fast shakes. Went on the Adkins diet (I haven't eaten tuna fish since.), and tried everything. In college I could control my diet. I stopped eating. When I was forced to eat, it was small and a salad, usually.
I never lost anything. My doctor's didn't believe me. My mother was borderline diabetic when she was pregnant with me. I was an 11 pound baby. Even the doctors made fun of me.
But see, when I was still in the womb, my body was processing so much extra sugars because my mother's pancreas wasn't working right. So my body produced extra insulin. After birth, my body was still producing too much insulin. This doesn't mean I'm diabetic. It means I'm insulin resistant. Basically, my body thinks it'll never see food again so it processes sugars by storing them automatically as fat. And when I exercise my body burns proteins instead. Those are needed. It burns muscle instead of fat. Which is why I never lost weight. It was vindicating to prove to the doctors that it wasn't my fault. Someone with my condition has major difficulty losing weight, but gains very easily and quickly. I'm being treated for it, and hopefully I will eventually reach the weight that is healthy for my frame. Yes, I AM big boned for those who never believed me.

Anyway, I digress. I wanted to explain to everyone that I am sorry to those whom I have ever hurt in any way. I truly am. And to those who I ever let hurt me, I forgive you. I'm moving past who I felt I was doomed to be, who I let myself be molded into. And most of that is letting go of the past. So here I am, letting it go. Forgive me, please, for anything I have done to cause anyone harm. For I forgive you for being human.

And I can't WAIT!!



HAPPY 20th BIRTHDAY CHERYL MARIE SEDLAK SEAVER!

Ah, you have to love the lack of privacy. Any interesting entries will now be protected.