Monday, March 31, 2008
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Aliens, Cavemen, and Excuses
This morning I watched a show on the Discovery channel that discussed whether or not ancient monuments of mankind had been built with alien technology. It is called the "ancient astronaut theory." The argument is that ancient man couldn't possibly have been intelligent enough to construct monuments, such as the great pyramids, without an almost divine intervention.I'd like to point out a few things.
- Simple fact: Ancient man kicked ass at stacking things, because they had nothing else to do. When given the choice of hunting dangerous wild animals or staying inside and stacking various cave objects, 9 out of 10 cavemen pick stacking. It was the only pastime for the entire planet and it had greater popularity than cricket and soccer combined.
- Ancient monuments are lame. They are just stones stacked on top of stones. You don't need calculus to make a pyramid.
- The people and scientists who debate these theories typically have no first-hand knowledge
of living outdoors or construction. They don't look qualified to work at a McDonald's drive through. Their wardrobes seem to be exclusively from Good Will.
- Aliens with the knowledge and technology to master interstellar space travel have better things to do than teach cavemen how to stack blocks of rock. They have bar mitzvahs to attend, meetings to complete large interstellar corporate mergers, and uprisings to quell with death rays.
Charlie: "Behold, Earthlings! We have brought you a great technology! With our guidance, you will now be able to stack objects on top of each other. We call this technology Steven."
Jim: "Remember when we traveled all the way to Alpha Centauri, and those ass holes already knew how to Steven?"
Charlie: "We wasted so much cubic-neurohyrdoxidium energy warp crystals getting there!"
Jim: "And then we arrived late to Elijah's bar mitzvah on Intergalactican-9!"Side note: The semester is winding down. Work is busy, and I've a long list of assignments to finish for classes. The two-week hiatus was unavoidable for the most part.
Charlie and Jim are the two most popular intergallactic Jewish names.
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Comments (22)
Ancient humans would have kicked ass in Jenga.
Wait I thought aliens built the pyramids. Now I find out they were actually really bored folks with nothing better to do. Thats kinda disappointing. I'll have to write the creators of X-Files a nasty letter for deceiving me all this time.
Hahahaha.... man this is awesome.
I really wish I had something more eloquent to say... but the aliens didn't teach me yet.
I also love how your tags include velcro and moron. XD
This reminds me of the whole "who would win in a fight between astronauts and cavemen" question.
@AnubisWerewolf - Agreed. This makes life a lot less exciting :P
Haha, aliens... It's like the Scientologists. Don't they believe the human race was started by aliens or something? Then again it is a religion started by a science fiction writer. Ha, my spell check doesn't recognize "Scientologists" as a real word. Awesome.
I heard it's 8 out of 10 cavemen.
But anyways, you're probably true and it wasn't motherly alien-species that taught the guys back then how to stack. What a bummer..
It's all true. Alien technology also brought us more recent developments. Al Gore, a representative from Omnicron Persii VII, brought us the Internet.
oh Seth my friend, on this one we will have to disagree :). Have you seen the experiments where scientists/modern humans have tried to build the pyramids using modern technogoloy? can't be done. Not as precise. I'm not saying aliens did it, I'm just saying that the current theories are wrong.
I agree. Aliens eh. The ancients were more intelligent than most give them credit for. Look at the Greeks, Romans, etc. And that's just the western world. Perhaps societies without television were able to focus their mental energies toward constructive things - for example said Steven projects.
stonehenge was built by the dumb aliens.
Martial arts, voodoo and clever ancients.
DharmaBm42 is right. They didn't have anything to waste their brains on!
@PunkDiva -
...from Angel's fifth season?
Props for the term "cubic-neurohyrdoxidium energy warp crystals". I really like that term. I shall use it on my roommate in the morning if he is around...
@Drakonskyr - I've always held you in high regards for your intellect, but, now you get your pop-culture geek creds too.
@PunkDiva -
Hah, when an ex of mine left me, she stole all the DVDs we'd amassed together...except for the five seasons of Angel. So I had to survive on that while I re-established a collection. Let me tell you, when all you've got to watch is Angel, it's almost psychologically disfiguring.
@Drakonskyr -
Better Angel than, oh say, the 90210 or the complete collection of Tori Spelling's made for television movies.
i'm somewhat put off by your comment suggesting shabby taste and below par intelligence was due to second hand clothing.
i really wish i could get an audio file of such entries. a dictation of sorts, with the intonations and sound effects!
I'm impressed you've still been blogging after all this time. It's inspiration to us all (or at least me, but sitting in my room by myself, that's all that really matters right now. Don't worry though, I'm sure someone else in inspired somewhere, maybe at Geico?). Keep it up!!
It takes more than a little intelligence to run the drvie thru at McDonald's, let me tell you. I'd like to see aliens to THAT.