I'm sorry I've been scarce, but I can honestly say in the last couple of weeks my life has been changing hardcore. I am one mother fucking DRIVEN woman. *fierce nod*

Two sundays ago my husband was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. I had posted this before but wasn't ready to talk about it so I deleted it. Sometimes you just need to wait for the proper words to come, sometimes you're just not ready to figure it out.
I needed it to just sink in slow, I needed to feel it for all it's worth.
That very day we decided no more. No more eating because we were bored, no more making jokes about being fat and lazy, no more sitting on our asses watching out life whiz on by.

Do you know what it feels like to think back on your life and realize that you've been quite overweight for over 10 years. 10 MOTHER FUCKING YEARS. And what's my excuse.

Nothing. I have no excuse. None.

Sometimes the simple things people say to you are poignant. Maybe it's just the way they say them that hits you so hard or the fact that you're brain doesn't just hear the words but actually grasps the concept.  Somebody said to me lately 'hating your body gets you nowhere, absolutely no where.'
I hate my body.. it's my own fucking body, I'm sitting here going. .well fucking duh why didn't I just get off my ass and do something? Where the hell did it say I'd just sit here and settle. Settle on being stuck and RESIGNED to this being who I am.
Hell no. HELL NO I say.
I'm feeling fierce tonight. Every night since the day we found out my husband is diabetic we've worked out asses off on our treadmill. Every day we make very conscience decisions about what we eat. I will look a brownie or a cookie right in it's beady little creamy center and say 'HELL NO.'

I've lost 15 lbs since December. To me that's amazing, to me I feel strong and good and confident. I feel like I'm finally making some progress, I feel I can set goals and look forward and get excited about things. I notice I look better, I notice I FEEL better already, little bits, just little bits more and more and more.
A woman I've known as a acquaintance for 4 years was talking to me and a bunch of other women on the playground the other day and she says to me 'You know you look good, I mean you (hand gestures at body shape) look really good, what did you do??'  That made my mother fucking day, that made my mother fucking week, that made me stomping my ass off on my treadmill all the much easier. It just felt so damn good to know I'm doing it. To know I CAN do it.
I've decided I'm just not going to take shit from myself any more. I know that sounds kinda odd, but you get to a point in life where you're just making so many excuses for yourself you're starting to believe them. It's bullshit, I've changed so many times in life in so many ways you'd think I'd have caught on by now.
I've set a goal, by my 30th birthday (June 13th) I WILL be at least a size 18. You know I used to cringe when I'd admit I'm a size 22. Thats huge, thats like HOLEY SHIT ASS big. But now I'm a size 20 again, and soon I'll be a 19, and then an 18 and so on,  and then I'll drag all that cool shit back out of my closet that I kept because I knew I could do it sometime.

So lately I am feeling fierce, I'm just not afraid to change. Hell no.