Currently Listening Summary By Barr the song is the single see related

the timing was bad, but there's never a good time for bad things to happen

it's wrong how you wish for others to fall apart. actually, it's completely fine to wish for terrible things to happen to other people. the problem is that my head immediately goes to the fact that the person who is going to end up having bad things happen to is me. The person you wish to just never get out of that bed, never escape that misery that you both once shared, is really just you, never escaping from that bubble.

The second thought is the one that separates, the one that fucks me up. There is no way to just stay on a one track mind, it meanders, until you find yourself completely lost in your own anxiety.

I don't mind this being a depressing entry. I don't mind it looking like those two old friends, who write about their cheating boyfriends or the impending doom they predict. xanga's were made for this, but if I actually felt these feelings I probably would make this entry private. But it is most likely being written for a reaction, a reaction that I won't get because I am not sure what it is.

i have a bowl full of bloody floss, its kind of gross, it is kind of a metaphor, for how I don't take care of myself on a regular basis, just those 2 or 3 days I can put goo in my hair and make myself presentable...

Germany flew in today

I can't sleep. Laying on my back scratching my stomach, poking at it, curling the hairs near my belly button: I feel like Fargo, North Dakota. "That blue room, an american flag draped over that basement window. It was a soldiers room."

i need a job

there is this moment, when everything culminates into this single stroke of a guitar or crashing of a cymbal...and then i vomit. I vomit everywhere, on my bed, on my computer, the vomit is mixed in with my belly hair, now it hits the floor, falls through the floor boards, on to the baby sleeping in the crib in the unit downstairs...

"when it burned my throat,

it did not kill me,

as I'd hoped

and when the fever broke,

it was as violent

as I'd hoped"

I keep having this problem with dates, and numbers in general. Maybe its minor psychosis. Everything keeps switching. February 20th has recently been changed to February 18th. March 9th is the new March 13th. Holy Mountain I need sleep.

Currently Listening First There Was the Emptiness By Racebannon see related

Don't forget the potential

It's one of those blustery early spring late winter days and I feel like sitting, smoking cigarettes as I write math theorems. Then it hits me, I'm no genius. I don't perform well, amazing test scores, absolutely no performance. I have another statistic to try and sway myself away from self loathing. I've been institutionalized four times in the past three years for numerous reasons. If you have a difficult life, you find youself leaning toward instability. This instability may be a sign of intelligence. Do you find yourself not easily flustered, laughing in your mind at how others anger seems so easily correlated to their own confusion about the matters at hand? Lately, I've been getting these feelings, like I'm losing brain mass. I got tested today by a specialist, and I tested at grade 12 month 8. Sophmore year, around april or may, as I took a test on a computer at Rosecrance, I tested at grade 12 month 9. In the past two years I have shrunk away one month of intelligence. So, what will I do? How will I try and gain back this one month of knowledge? I have to start reading books again, I've conquered the instant gratification needed in my ear drum. Now to move deeper inside, to my actual brain. Start working, start feeding that hungry ghost I deny to myself. Knowledge is absolute power, and power corrupts absolutely.
Thanks school house rock!

so, somehow my myspace was deleted

i blame myself, but mostly i blame you

anyways, my new one is

http://myspace.com/commonswallow

Currently Listening Erect the Youth Problem By Wives all dads alike see related

So, at my work, larry, the bassist of pelican is a cashier, it doesn't matter if im not that big of a pelican fan, but the guy did play with mono every time they were in town. I mean that shits crazy, and then some guy from head of femur slices deli meats? and a fellow bagger fucks the guy from mewithoutyou...weird....

anyways, I'm going to be on the cbs news soon, appearently marian shilders is doing a heart wrenching story on adolescent teens with eating disorders...*makes jerking off fist*

It'll be funny though, I'll get to talk about my struggle, and how my new found relationship with jesus chryest saved me from such troubled times.

blah blah blah pretension pretension

so i'm buying some $500 synthesizers, which might just make my worth something more to fuck heads who ignore me all the time, cough, im just hurt, pardon my anger who ever this is im talking about

i have this cord which I use to plug into my ipod to play it on my stereo system. I always like finding what noises i can make as i skim the plug across my monitor, i found the noises that come from my stereo are the exact same sounds that are made when i press the plug against my very own skin.

i liked that