So I haven't blogged since March 30th, only because alot has gone on in my life..some of which I don't feel like writing...others sometimes I think not worth writing about...But in the end..this is the only place where I can rant and rave about anything..and I won't feel judged....Besides no one even knows I have this space....

So to begin where I left off with the Nixzmary Brown Rally/Child Abuse Rally...thats a done deal...for me at least...Just when everything was going right..I began having troubles at my job and was having financial problems at home...I had bills, rent and more bills and I just couldn't afford everything for it..besides I felt that the whole weight of the project was on me...So I stepped back for a moment and while awaiting for the permit the ladies that were working with me began to do things on thier own..they completely shut me out of the project..Ignored me for good..At least I know it will take place like in two weeks, they went ahead and got a separate permit for a different event in a different park...I was upset because I thought of the whole thing and now they are going to take credit for it..Not only that but they talk behind my back like no tomorrow..Once more I was cast away as usual.

My birthday came and went in April 30th, mom did a nice surprise dinner for me. It was beautiful...NO ONE ever remembers my birthday and no one ever bothers to throw a party so..yeah...

At work I WAS stressed because I found out from my office manager that the company was planning to lay everyone off secretely..The company is moving down to Tennessee and I was one of the first ones to be laid off...
About three weeks ago I took matters into my own hands...(back in June, June 16th to be more exact) It was a Monday.

I was tired of being abused, YES ABUSED both verbally and through email by one of the supervisors..And I put two and two together and decided to call it quits on that Monday morning..

Besides I did not want to give her the PLEASURE of firing me..I do (and sometimes its a downfall) have TOO much pride....I was NOT going to let them fire me..Yes I know that I was ruining the chance of getting unemployment benefits..but I had saved up enough money with my rebate check to quit and be able to survive on my own....

I took the risk, I thought about it and Monday morning wrote a nice resignation letter to my employer. Nice and short and letting them know that I was WELL aware of the pending layoffs...

Well if that did any good, they immediately made a meeting with the other co workers to let them know (FINALLY) about the layoff that was coming...about friggin time I said..How unfair..I am a mom and my son is about to start school in September, how dare you NOT tell me that I was going to lose my job...

I don't regret leaving that job becuase I found a better one a week and a half later..God opened the doors and now I am a Human Resources Assistant Supervisor for Champion Learning, a well known Tutoring School for children. The pay is way higher than what I was getting at my previous job and it offers benefits..something I did not have at my other job.

In my personal/emotional life..I feel good, not great but good..Getting acostumed to the single life and getting used to the fact that I'll be a single mom for my whole life at age 24 is not something I really did not  looked foward too..But then again I have to take it and run with it..
I've grown in the fact that I don't believe ANYONE or ANYTHING they say...to me that's a good thing, I used to believe everything a guy would say..but my eyes and ears have opened so much that I know what I want..unfortunately every guy that comes at me is full of it, lies and deception and they only want one thing, well they ain't gonna get it from me I'll tell ya....

I have grown to be a prideful girl..yes I know that can be good and bad at the same time..But before this whole traumatic experience I was different, believed everything, gave everyone second chances and more than anything settled for less...NOT NO MORE.

All my girlfriends ask me why I don't have a boyfriend/man/hubby lol...I'm like what for? Do they think my self esteem is so low I'll just go and run away with any guy that tells me he likes/loves me? NEVER.. I refuse to settle for less......I refuse..my standards are high....

I'm now a girl with goals in life...among them finishing college by the summer of 2009, among them moving out of state, among them traveling around the world and living a tranquil life, but most of all raising my son to be much much better than me...a great respectful man....A man I can be proud of to call me son..that is my greatest goal.....
If I were to find someone that is willing to accept me with my past and look beyond it and see in me the potential..then great..if not...then great as well...I prefer the former....

So there you have it guys..thats pretty much all thats been happening...

I know that I've been slacking off in my weight loss..I've gained some weight due to depression and stress, I stopped the belly dancing, but I've done a lot of walking lately if that accounts for anything, I know go out and hang out more than I used to and lately when things don't go my way or mom says something mean to me...I shrug it off and tell myself that what people think/say about me DOES NOT define who I am...only my actions do....

So here I go embarking this new journey...it will be a bumpy ride....but I'll try to enjoy and learn from it....

Mely

I feel so blessed :) I have like a huge burden is lifted off my shoulders. Ever since I am doing this walk for Child Abuse I have come around so many interesting people that are blessing my life in so many good ways. God spoke to my life today and I know now that he has been with me in the darkest of days :)

I love you Lord and I don't want to let go of your hand!

Yesterday for the first time I experienced what you may know as a panic attack/anxiety attack.
I was so in pain yesterday that I was about to go to the hospital to have my tooth yanked out..Of course only after being heavily sedated with the most potent anesthesia.  The pain would grow worse after I would eat and at around 3:30 after taking Angel out to lunch I came home and attempted to eat I began to cry. I was in so much pain..So, me being so curious went on youtube to see some extraction of wisdom videos. It was so graphic (and since I have never EVER been to a dentist in my life because I have a phobia) I went into panic mood. I began to sweat, breathe heavily, and my face literally went numb. I could not breathe and I could not feel my face.

I thought I was going to pass out and little Angel came out running to me. I turned off the computer and tried to compose myself.  My mother (probably having that motherly instinct) that something was wrong called and heard me panting and crying. She came right over (she works across the street from our home on Saturday's and Sundays.) She bought with her some vinegar, and some tylenol 3 that her co worker sent to me.
My stepfather called to offer to stay home with Angel so that I can go to the hospital but I said that I would go in the night when mommy came home.

I appreciated everyone being concerned.

So the night went on I took some tylenol 3 and that kind of numb the pain for a bit. But not completely.
At 8 P.M my mom came home and I offered her something to eat, she ate some cheeseburgers and fries I had bought for Angel but Angel did not finish eating. I would have made dinner but my mom told me not to cook anything, she knew I was in bad shape.

After that my mom decided to pray for me..Now, I don't mean to call her a saint or a miracle worker, but when my mother prays, it's like woah, whatever I have will go away.

Last year in July when I had a slipped disc she prayed and I didn't need surgery or therapy.
December last year, bumps were growing all over my left breasts, she prayed and the next day the lumps began to go away, needless to say I haven't seen a bump since Praise the Lord.

And last night she prayed for my tooth pain, not only did I sleep well unlike the night before, but I woke up feeling less pain than yesterday. The bump on my gum has become smaller and I ate breakfast with no pain..PRAISE GOD AGAIN!! Right now it's about to be 10 A.M and I feel hardly any pain. It's amazing. I give God the Glory and all praise because he is my healer..

I told the Lord last night that I will testify about this in church once I feel I am completely healed. The power of miracle is glorious. There truly is nothing impossible for our God.

But on to other things, my mom's birthday is like in 3 weeks, March 28 to be exact.
A surprise birthday is out of the question. She already told me she does not want a party, she wants to go out somewhere.

I'm thinking about taking her out to this Museum Exhibit called "Bodies" in the city. Something I already went to see last year with Angel and that I know my mom would absolutely love. After that I can take her to eat at this nice restaurant in the City my friend recommended where the seafood is delicious.

But I do want to do something different and nice. Something she will never forget. I've even been pondering contracting some Mariachi to come sing happy birthday early that morning. It's something she has always dreamed of and I wish I could fulfill that dream. I'm going to find out how much it costs.

I'll keep you guys posted though.

I think I will stay home today.
I already bathed Angel and semi cleaned the floors, right now I am about to thoroughly clean our bathroom and then shower and start marinating the steak for tonite.

I hope the tooth pain is gone for good though.

Mely