Monday, April 28, 2008

• diva customers

  now normally.. my diva customers are desperate housewives with nothing better to do and has seen america's next top model, the hills, mean girls and the devil wears prada a few too many times in one sitting. they're your typical OC housewife with botched botox, orange mystic tanned skin, beach blonde platinum hair and hard as rock tits... and of course, dear husband's big fat amex platinum credit card.
  
  i'm used to them and i can normally deal with them because well.. they're women. i know that's sexist, but when it comes to gay men + straight women relationships, they almost always work, even if both parties are complete divas and bitches.
  
  however.. i've never had to deal with.. nor had experience or been in the presence of.. a male diva -- that was straight. what the hell???
  
  today i had a guy that if he wasn't so snooty up his own ass and fake diamond/brand names, he would be classified as pretty damn cute/hot.. almost asian pop-star hot. i said hi/greeted him, he said, "sup" walked by, said, "hey you how's it goin!" to my coworker christine - a short cute asian girl. he proceeded to walk on towards the bedroom linen section and stood there for about 2 minutes.. until he came back and specifically asked christine for help. she went running back (it looked like she was running away from him, ahha) to ask me to help the guy instead. so i go over and this guy is like.. so stupid.
  
  ripped white washed jeans, tshirts layered over each other, d&g crystal studded sunglasses, blinged out jacob & co watch with a matching blinged out gucci belt, and burberry shoes. his hair was a funky kpop style and his facial bone structure suggests chinese/korean.. not japanese  for sure and definitely not viet or any other ethnicity. throughout the entire conversation, he's very laidback chill in his posture, and is very... obnoxious with the bed. not a gentle person at all -- tearing my beds apart to know what this was and what that was.. dude, if you don't know what it is, GET SOMEONE TO SHOP FOR YOU THAT KNOWS. otherwise, i could sell you air and you would think it's good for you or someshit.
  
  Male Diva: can i just get this bed set here?
  me: sure. you want everything on the bed like it's shown?
  MD: nah the stuff that was the blue over there.
  me: ok, what size?
  MD: king. no cal king, 'bro.
  me: *wtf.. did he just call me 'bro' ?* ok they only come in king for duvets and calking for sheets. do you want sheets too?
  MD: how much are sheets? i just want whatever was on the bed exactly as shown.
  me: um... are you sure, cuz that's an easy 4-5k, and it's going to be awfully hot in bed cuz we have 2 down comforters inside the duvet cover.
  MD: whoa bro, what's a duvet? isn't this a comforter?
  me: duvet is like a giant pillowcase for the comforter. the comforters these days are plain white of european goose down, or synthetic poly fiber, and you put something pretty or soft on the outside.
  MD: oh.. um.. how much is that?
  me: well theres a lot of variables - weight, fill, size, etc.
  MD: well for the one on the bed!
  me: uh.. for a king it's gonna be $349 for the comforter, $279 for the duvet.. did you want sheets?
  MD: yeah the same one that was on the bed! how much are sheets?
  me: they were the 600 tc ones, and for a cal king sheet set, it's $419.
  MD: ok coo coo. how bout the pillowcases?
  me: well the sheet set has pillowcases already. did you want shams with the duvet set, just like the bed showed?
  MD: ... what's a sham bro?
  me: it's this *points to sham.. i should have pointed to him*.
  
  the conversation goes on for a while, i go check on things for him, meanwhile tearing the bed apart so i can remake it because he fucked it up so bad.
  
  first of all... housewife divas are allowed to be that way without an entourage or paparazzi because i know they'll buy it. and they're a common breed. the male diva.. well this is my first encounter with one and i'm sure they won't show up until another blue moon. So listen mister male diva... you need to have your own entourage follow you around, a group of groupie guppies following that around, and your own set of paparazzi trying to take pictures of you, if you want to act the way you do. you are not going to get what you want by just flashing your bling, this is not fascist island and this is not rodeo drive. and honestly.. the only people that flash that shit is if all you have is fake shit. next time you go shopping for yourself, get your mother or your sister or your girlfriend to do it for you.. because you don't know how to do anything yourself. if you don't know what any of the terminology is out there, you will get screwed over. think about a dumb blonde at the car shop to get her oil changed.. she's going to get suckered into getting $2-4k in services thats not needed but she doesn't know better when all she could've spend was $25. you, 'bro, are going to get suckered into this and we're going to squeeze you of all the money you've got.. sheets: $500; mattress pad cover: $230; feather bed: $230; blanket: $200; down comforter: $350; duvet cover: $280; king shams: $160 for 2; euro shams: $160 for 2; king pillows: $340 for 2; euro inserts: $80 for 2; boxspring cover: $80; cal king BED: $2575 = 5185 + taxes. that's almost $5200 in unnecessary shit if you don't know what you're doing or talking about. the whole set could easily cost just under $500 for the duvet set, or under $1k for the sheets and duvet set .. but you're so fucking stupid that i guarantee you that we'll rob you of at least $2-3k of random crap that you won't even know how to put together on a bed. do you even know HOW to make a bed?
  
  dumbass.
  

  • 12:13 AM
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