Another banner year has come to an end, and it's time to herald in impossible goals, unreasonable guilt, and unending self deprecation. 45 minutes into the new year, and I'm not loving it already. A single bear wasn't enough to prepare myself. Maybe I'm just worn down after last year.
... '07 in review:
The year started out with the realization that there was no escaping my newly reinforced "responsibility" as an uncle. One birth on December 30 '06 from my youngest sister, than another from my older sister in March... or was it April? Shit does it matter? My family is working on a fucking monopoly on every month. Made the joke not long ago that most of the kids are going to grow up calling me "Uncle Daddy", and enough people decided it was funny enough to try and make it stick. Fuck.
Since so much of my life is tied up in gaming, I have to include the fact that I got both the PS3, and the Wii this year. They aren't as fulfilling as I wish, but more on that later. I've spent a stupid amount on gaming this year, but aside from the console prices, a very subdued amount in comparison to previous years. Thank god for cheap downloadable games, and clearance aisle bargains.
Transportation wise, the year had been pretty shitty to me, but theoretically ended on a high note. In May my car dropped it's transmission, and I was broke. Thank god I bought a scooter the previous Fall. That got me through till about mid September or so until someone sugared it's tank, destroying it. For about a week and a half, I hoofed it, and rode the bus. For someone who's back refuses to give them peace, I don't recomend that. For a while I ended up driving my moms truck, than in the beginning of October, I got a busted up 88 Ford Ranger. It made me like trucks. It also made me want to open my wrists. From the first week of October, till the End of November or so I sank a constant stream of money into it keeping it running, and marginally road safe. All up till the point that it cracke one or more pistons.$1000+ into a $200 truck. Ouch. At least the stupid fucker worked for a while. Into December, I finally may have scored a vehicle that will last for more than a couple of years. My older sisters got me in touch with one of her friends selling a '99 Grand Am in nearly pristine condition for $2000. Now I'm in debt, but I've got a nice car for the first time in my life.
This year I've managed to keep the number of times I've very nearly walked out of my job down to less than 5 times I think. It's hard to keep track, but either I'm getting a thicker skin for dealing with fucktards, or my soul is nearly entirely crushed. If I make it another year, I may as well stay for the rest of my life, long a that is since I'll be able to put up with anything.
This year is the first time I've ever thought about suicide. Not actually committing, just wondering what it would be like to try. It's been a dark time, and I've been so afraid to talk about it, worried what my friends would think that I just kept it bottled up. That was obviously a mistake, but I still don't know who to talk about it with. I get on so many peoples nerves with the way I'm not as positive as they want, so I'm not sure any meaningful dialogue could take place before any of them wanted to be somewhere else. That, and I don't want to be a pity case. I feel like I was one for to long already. Whether or no that is true, I don't know for sure.
The biggest event for me this year, without a doubt was getting dumped. I always hated weepy guys in movies. The ones that couldn't let go, months or years after a relationship ended. Well, that was me from July to whenever. Here I was saving money, the best I could to get Elysia a decent proposal ring, ready to get on bending knee, and we have a fight on her birthday, and she dumps me. Looking back, it was a long time coming, I just couldn't see the signs. Ended up crying myself to sleep for a couple weeks solid. It only got worse for the next couple of months, first living together as roommates till the lease was up, than having her move out on me when it was. She promised me we would still be good friends, and she would stay in touch. I've seen her a total of three times since she moved out. Each time was for her to pick up her mail. After less than a month, I found out she was already involved with somebody else. No wonder. Didn't take very long, especially when you take into account the cloak and dagger nature around the beginning of our relationship as a couple, and how it was two or three months after she broke up with her previous boyfriend before I could ask her out to dinner. She cared about him enough to be careful with his heart, and she openly bad mouthed him towards the end of their relationship, so what was I to her? A friend maybe, until the end, but not a committed, loved counterpart. One of my friends who helped me through the first couple weeks told me not to tell myself that she never loved me because it would just cheapen the whole thing, but I am honestly to angry to not see it that way. She was to nice to just say no to my initial approaches, and because of that, I spent three years of my life becoming attached to someone that didn't love me as anything more than one of her countless friends believing that I had found my one true. God I am still so angry about it. She texted me out of the blue not long ago talking about how we should hang out one night, and I replied with a message pretending I meant to send a note to someone else stating how fucked up it was that she wanted to hang out when it was convenient for her. I regret sending that message, but the anger is still there. Why say we would be friends, then ignore me for 3 months?
God, I've just spent 45 minutes ranting mostly about a breakup. A lot of that was typing out far uglier statements of personal betrayal, deleting them, and retyping them, then deleting them again. God. Not a good beginning to the year. This year, I just want to feel a little less pain, learn how to get a date. Seriously. I'm tired of getting turned down, I'm tired of sidelong glances of people that think I'm a fucking freak, and I'm tired of not having a fucking clue about things that other people got a rudimentary understanding of when they were in there teens.
Fucking god damn.
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