Monday, May 05, 2008

• and you're like salt.

  i am a constant, gaping wound.
  
  that was, for some reason, the first thought i had upon waking up this morning.
  in case anyone wondered, that's not a good sign... and i'm trying not to reflect on that too much, because the more i think about it, the truer it seems.
  
  i barely slept at all last night. so that stupid thought probably came to me in some state of half-sleep. hah, or if it came to me in a dream, maybe i have some latent Freudian desire to bleed to death.
  
  i think i'm going to be here a lot this week, typing away as i slowly go insane..
  
  i'm starting to get pissed off that every bad thing that happens to me has to happen at the same time.
  my semi-lationship can't explode in my face the weeks before or after APs, my mom can't badger me about how my dad still hasn't paid the child support check from when he was out of a job seperate from my stepdad bothering me to get a job... i'll stop there. but really it feels never-ending. (i know i'm almost out, if you tell me that out of all the things you could say to me right now, plan on me not talking to you. it doesn't help me now.)
  
  and for me to realize that i am a cause of the same kind of stress to other people... well this is where thoughts like "i am a constant, gaping wound" come from. it's perfectly true. the people i'm attached to seem to hurt the most, scarcely anything makes me feel better, you certainly can't soothe me just by talking anymore... i get irritated at little things sometimes... it fits, it works, i'm a walking metaphor.
  
  in human-speak: i feel terrible because when i get hurt, i feel like i end up hurting back. i can't let things go. last night was a shining example of me trying my best (which isn't very good) at making a compromise and then ruining it myself partially. it kind of sucks when both people ruin a compromise at the same time.. but it's also kind of fitting.
  so i've lost my footing, my temper, any enjoyment i might have had this week, and probably more.
  
  if i don't find some way to console myself and get some sleep tonight, i can kiss my AP credits goodbye too.

  • 6:43 AM
  • 2 eprops
  • 3 comments