connecting the dots

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

connecting the dots
due to my pessimistic nature, i often find myself completely dreading things. or maybe even just at the beginning of a long, long, long task that i think i cannot even fathom getting accomplished.
and then... after that thing is over... i just can't even believe it. and i sometimes don't even remember doing the thing and have no idea how i got to point B. it's like i vanish for hours that would be suffering and materialize on the other side. somehow. and even with little things... i sit and wonder how the hell did i get here? it's a confusion-amusement hybrid i have that comes and goes in little waves.
like even at this point in my life, i think of all the little things that have happened to me and it's like.. really? that happened to me?
for the longest time (at least all through high school, possibly extending back to middle school) i've had some insane thought that goes something like... what if i just dreamed the world up? what if none of this exists?
especially when things go the way i want them to. in this state of wonderment i imagine myself as some kind of amazingly intelligent all-knowing cessile creature who sits around all day, does nothing but think, and just dreamed up this whole world. (because really, sometimes the world beyond our own perceptions doesn't even exist.. i know i can forget at least temporarily about everything but what's going on in front of me or in my head.) and then i praise my all-knowing cessile creature self for creating the little "world" which is really just a simulation or a dream or a game of the Sims.

well anyway, that was just a huge tangent. i was just thinking about all of the things that are going to happen in the next month. and how i'm not ever going to be in this exact spot in my life again... and how afterwards i'm going to just not think about everything that seems so important and threatening and stressful and exciting to me now. AP exams? they'll come and go. and i will forget about them, like i do everything else. but after i'm all done, i'm sure i'll wonder how i got through it.
or maybe things like that are just taking pride in your accomplishments... like stepping back and going "wow! i did that! it's over! go me!" except that's not what i do... i just wonder how it happened.
same thing with graduation. it'll just go completely over my head and i probably won't be able to call up the feeling of being handed the diploma at will.
if i know myself at all, i'll probably come back to the point of utter disbelief the night before the graduation ceremony.

anyway. sorry for the really weird rant. i'm over-tired and stressed*.. and i might have gone crazy a little.. but i promise i don't take drugs. haha.

*i have so unbelievably much shit to do it's insane. and let's not forget that i have no actual study halls.
since i had to take the AP spanish exam tuesday, which lasted all day, i missed the lab portion of my chemistry test. half of an in-class final exam for AP psych, and the introduction to the new project in commercial art.
so today... i had to stay for tenth hour (which is when i'm supposed to go home) oh and let's not forget the huge chemistry assignment i forgot about and had to do after school today. but i'm still getting docked 10% for it.
well anyway. i didn't get the lab portion done today so i have to do it tomorrow afternoon after my AP english exam which is supposed to go from about 8-12. because of this i will be missing a modern lit test that i'll have to make up.. god knows when. and i also have to find time to mat my last quality piece for my AP studio art portfolio which i have to assemble friday at noon. (which.. in reality shouldn't be that hard, seeing as i've done all the work (another thing i can't believe!) but until it's over, it's a stressor.) and if i missed anything, please kill me, because that means i've probably forgotten about it.