looking back...
although summer 2005 was cool, and it was explosive to meet Brian Foo, i actually liked the first part (before Brian/Amelia/Calvin adventures) far better than the second part. i liked being alone, having my morning rituals, my running and biking, my going to classes, my focusing on doing well, my sunny days in central park, my well-balanced life and CENTERED goals, my volunteering, my sweet new friendships...
all of that was much better than the chaos that ensued.
i don't like the late night stuff much. i'm such a morning person...
but looking back over the course of our relationship, i realize that we only remember the trips, the drama, the highlights. we weren't really living in the reality of each others' presence, day-to-day. i was suffocating and completely off-track during my whole relationship with him.
i've learned finally, like alex once said: that it is far better to have a steady, content life, than to be wildly happy or sad. i love to be content; i'm pretty content now.
i act like a dramatic girl when i'm with others, but by myself, i'm usually really chill, and enjoy more than anything, my relaxed routines.
after seeing Brian at the dj frosty freeze memorial last night, and then parting our separate ways on the subway, i realized how lovely it is to leave him. it felt pretty satisfying, actually, to say goodbye. i'm pretty glad to be out of this mess, and starting anew.
even though just this morning, i was working on a video compilation of my photos and footage from montreal with Brian, and creating a mix CD for him, and feeling a little nostalgic and melancholy, even diligently designing and setting up appointments to get a tattoo with his name in Chinese (forever strong) over my heart...but when i got back from class and the gym, i was no longer motivated to reminisce. i wanted to make music, create, get lost in my own projects.
just like that. i'm over him. and it feels great.
i feel like my life is my own again, and this is exactly what i needed. i owe it to bfoo for recognizing this reality, and being strong and firm about maintaining this. cuz i sure as hell can't. but it's definitely the right decision.
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