This has just been revelation from God day, hasn't it? It's so cool to feel so connected to Him, yet at the same time... He's ruining all my plans. lol. Oh well. Okay, here's the message behind the last message:

I was going to start the job hunt in October. I've already had a tiny taste of how being an adult is expensive, and even though I don't/won't have major bills for a while, really, there are still some things. The major thing right now being that I have X amount of money and I need to buy a car. I can afford that if I find the right one, but then exactly where is money coming from to pay for gas and insurance? That's not cheap. Say I found a good used car in the neighborhood of $5,000. I can do that. Then what? With no income I can wait on my next trust fund check, which I will get NEXT year. How long is that that I have left over going to last? Even if I never spent a penny on anything but gas and insurance. On the way home from church this afternoon I was thinking about everything and I had that thought again. It wasn't really posed towards God, but He kinda heard it. I was just thinking, "how is that supposed to last?" And I immediately heard, "let Me handle it and it'll go farther." Well... well... well... yeah, but... fine. You win. There's still the issue of no income/being broke being so unbelieveably frustrating. Maybe He'll take care of that too. We'll see.

Then there was the issue of service. I actually WANTED to look for a job (outside of the fast food industry which would get old  in about 10 seconds) where I would be serving people. They tell me what they want, and I give it to them. I wanted to learn something by that. Learn to deny myself and learn to be a servant. I was thinking that on the way to church again tonight. "But what now? I wanted to learn to serve." Another immediate answer: "what do you think you're doing now?" I'm working. And I'm serving by denying my want to get a paycheck and doing it just because. Just because that's where I felt led to go.
See, Heather and I had this conversation a week or so ago. She's the one that really got me started doing this volunteer thing. She's a teacher. She reminded me what a service job teaching really is and how it's so selfless. I don't always feel that sometimes but I know she's right. But, she said that a week or two ago and I never really thought about it until now.

My parents are the ones who brought it to my attention that I didn't HAVE to leave Carpenter. I knew that already, but still. Actually, I think they were just kind of used to bring it to the surface a bit more. Because the night before (I think), that I wrote about, being upset about leaving, and missing Taylor and all that, I was really starting to doubt myself. I kept thinking, "am I doing the right thing? Did I make the right decision?" Because see, I have this bad habit of not FIRST saying, "God, what do You want me to do?" but instead, devising a few surefire plans and then asking Him which one He thinks would work better. His patience with me has to kick in somewhere around that point. I'm so hard to work with. Anyway, I had it all figured out. I know my parents thought when they were talking to me that I wasn't listening, but it was just something I didn't want to talk about right then. Besides, I was too busy justifying my decision. I was gonna do what I was gonna do and that was it. Don't question me, lest you put more doubts in my head.

Like I said, the sermon today hurt. I don't just mean stung, it hurt REALLY bad. It was "5 Principals for Making Wise Decisions." Well hey, that's cool. Let's listen! I'll get out my pen and take notes too.
Now, let me retrieve said those notes from my Bible and share a few things with you.

1.) Listen to Godly counsel.
(Prov. 20:24; Psalm 37:23)

Hey, that's good advice. Not that I sought any counsel, period, in this big decision that I made... but yes, very good advice.

2.) Exercise patience.
(James 1:4-8; Heb. 12:1-2)

HA! Like I've ever been mistaken for one of those weird patient people. I so don't get them. No, there was no patience and listening for a still small voice in this big decision that I made.

3.) Take the long look.
Look to the future. Will I be happy withmy decision in five or ten years?
(James 4:13-15; 1 John 15-17)

That's where it started to sink in. The example he (my pastor) was using through all of this is was Genesis 16. That's when Abram (Abraham) fathered Ishmael with Hagar, Sarai's (Sarah's) maidservant. These 5 principals are things we can learn from this one mistake that Abram made. What my pastor talked about here is that Abram thought his actions involved him and wouldn't have major consequences that would last for generations. But they did. The ramifications of Abram's sin are still going strong TODAY. See, we think our decisions involve us and only us, but we have no idea. They could involve people generation after generation after generation into the future.
"But, what's me switching jobs going to do?"
That's probably what Abram thought.
"What's me fathering this child going to do?"
Who knows what God has for me in this position if I'll only be patient and wait.

4.) Be real-- open and honest.

5.) Seek the Lord.
(Psalm 38:4-5; 39:4-7)

Owie.
Seek the Lord? Did I do that?
That first passage is the one that stuck out in my mind as I sat there in the pew reading it. I remember very clearly thinking, "I don't want festering wounds from my foolishness."

Then the sermon was over and it was time for the invitation. Hymn number... whatever it was. 361? It was "Wherever He Leads, I'll Go." It's always been kind of a hard song to sing because it's a big commitment and I'm not one for blythly singing meaningless words. Anyway... I couldn't believe THAT was the song. How ridiculous. I cried. Um... a lot. I was so convicted. As soon as the first few notes of the song started I knew exactly what I needed to do. And that is to throw my plans tothe wind and stay right where I am. For who knows how long.

See, I found something in my bible this morning during Sunday School. It's something I had written during church and stuck in there. It says: "God blesses in direct proportion to obedience. He longs to bless us, but only pours out rewards for obedience." It's dated 3-28-04, but I remember writing that I can't believe it's been there that long. Anyway, I didn't think much of it when I read it again this morning. But tonight when I was in the shower (where my best thinking is done for some reason), it came to mind. Hmm, I wonder how that happened. When I came to Carpenter it was because I felt led there. I had no idea why, and am still trying to figure that out (though, I have an idea what at least part of it may be. Please pray for me for wisdom and strength on that one). But the truth is, I haven't felt led away from there yet. I felt MYSELF leading me away, but that matters just about as much as... um... dressing my cat up in a tutu and teaching her to dance... nice in theory but really is pointless in the grand scheme of things (you like that? I'm so deep). If I had left even though He didn't tell me to, who knows what would have happened? It seems like a small thing, but it's really not. Maybe a kid is going to come in who needs me and only me and I'm not there for him/her? Maybe some co-workers need me and I'm not there? Maybe... I don't know, what if the guy I'm supposed to marry, I'll meet there? (Don't worry, it wouldn't be a student ) YOU NEVER KNOW. Anything could happen, but I missed it or just messed eveything up royally because I was impatient. I want to obey, so I will be blessed. And maybe others will be too.

I guess you know you're growing spiritually when you feel like such a baby.