Tuesday, April 01, 2008

• A Personal Credo.

  I'm in a class at school where we do a bunch of random tasks that are considered essential for high functioning students.  In essence, the class is a title; it makes me a "gifted" student.  A student with a GIEP.  Usually I do whatever task we're given without a hesitation, until today when I heard the prompt and did a double take.  The task was simple: "write your own personal credo in the style of 'All I Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten.'"  I began with, "Just live."  Then there was some elaborating jargon, discussing about how "life is the greatest gift" and that "we are our accomplishments."  I got about halfway down the page before I snuck a peek at my neighbor's paper.
  
  "Never fuck a ho with herpes."  I was polite enough not to ask if it was a personal credo from experience or if it was just another "All I Need To Know I Learned From MTV."  At that point, I returned to my paper and looked at it as if I had been drawing stars and pretty rainbows and I took the piece of paper and began to furiously scribble out everything, until the words were illegible.  When it time to hand it in, I approached my teacher's desk and thrust the paper right in his face.  He sighed with a disapproving look.
  
  "You have until midnight.  And that means a clean, typed, thoughtful copy."  I scampered to lunch and at my table inspiration hit me.  Actually, a low-flying sandwich hit me to the cheers of "L-O-L ... YOU GOT TOTALLY PWN3D, DUDE.  LAWL LAWL LAWL."  Later that night, I gave my last minute piece a name:
  
  “All I Need To Know I Learned From The Internet.”

  -In life, there are Macs and PCs.

  -Everything you need to know is out there, most of it is impossible to find, or on Wikipedia.

  -If you can imagine it, there is probably fetish porn dealing with it.

  -The Chinese government is censoring you.

  -Whatever you say will be misquoted and then used to offend others.

  -File sharing is fun until somebody gets a virus.

  -Your equipment may not be compatible.

  -There are computers harder, better, faster, stronger and that have more RAM than you.

  -It’s always a good time to upgrade.

  -The next generation makes you obsolete.

  -There is no god.  Only Al Gore.

  -Someone out there is wrong, and when you stop complaining, they will keep being wrong.

  -It’s ok to steal, as long as the RIAA doesn’t catch you.

  -Just because you are “1337” does not mean you are cool.

  -No one reads your shitty blog.

  -Politics can only lead to hate mail.

  -Do not talk about 4chan.

  -DO NOT TALK ABOUT 4CHAN!

  -You have just lost the game.

  -In the end, your life amounts to a 32-bit ISP.

  -Some errors are fatal.

  -All your base are belonging to us.

  -You’re only as good as the people using you.

  -Watch your cookies.

  -The public domain lives!

  -Having a 3.5-inch floppy is considered a bad thing.

  -Spam is just another facet of life.

  -Everyone is a little bit racist.

  -Facebooking is a synonym for stalking.

  -Love is one part eloquence, one part correspondence, and two parts profile picture.

  -Whatever the idea is, someone has already thought of it.

  -The world is a series of tubes, located in gray corrugated steel buildings.

  -The speed at which you connect is everything.

  -If it’s unprotected and there to be accessed, it should be considered free.

  -Just torrent it.

  -Your Asian counterpart will destroy you.

  
  
  All suggestions are welcome. (Despite my essay already being sent!)
  
  Edit... I wrote this, and then forgot to un-private it.  Haha.
  

  • 1:28 AM
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