Monday, November 26, 2007

• Love

  Currently Listening Wide Open Spaces By Dixie Chicks Cowboy Take Me Away see related

                    I have been searching the internet for the last hour trying to find the words that seem to escape me when I try to tell you how much I really do love and care for you.  However, nothing seems to express the emotions that pull at me heart-strings daily whenever you come to mind.  So, this is my sincerest attempt to prove my love, and how I truly feel.

            My life has never been easy.  There has never been anyone there for me, as you have seen with my family.  You are the first person in my life who has cared enough about me to love me for who I am…the first person who has challenged me to be better and live up to my potential.  You are the first man in my life that I deem worthy of the pain and tears that we have faced over the last couple of years.  I would have been gone a long time ago, but there is something about you that keeps me here.  It is your love for me that keeps me here.

            There have been times that I have questioned your motives of why of all the people you could have chosen to share your life with…you picked me.  I guess this is just an allusion to the insecurities that I have been carrying around with me since childhood.  It is those same insecurities that cause me to act crazy and be extremely suspicious of everything you do.  I guess this is why you feel as if I don’t trust you.  It is hard to be vulnerable and open when all you have known is pain, hurt, and abandonment. 

            Back when I was in the fifth grade, my mother had just been released from jail after what felt like a year.  I missed her; I wrote her daily waiting anxiously for her to come home.  Finally that night came…she was home.  She hugged each of us, and promised us that she would never leave us again.  It was less than three days when I smelled the all too familiar stench of crack coming from her bedroom.  I was so hurt until all I could do was run to my closet, shut the door, and hold myself in the fetal position shaking and crying.  I can remember that same hot steady stream of tears as if it was yesterday.  After a week had passed, she was on her way to the penitentiary for 7 years. Imagine how I felt.

            I said that to say this.  I am not like other guys.  I can’t be with the childhood I’ve had.  I have trust issues and deep insecurities. Although, I try to work on these problems daily by pushing thoughts of you leaving me out of my mind, I can’t escape the fear and terror that lurks in the back of my mind and rests upon my heart almost causing it to stop beating.  I guess I am still that same scared hurt little boy holding myself while crying in the dark on the floor of my bedroom closet.  I just want you to understand this.  Some things that other people do in their relationships, we can’t.  I am just not well enough to handle that type of pressure.

            I love you baby.  There is NO ONE in the world that I would rather share my life and future with.  There is no one else that I would rather be caught out in the storms of life with…no one but you.  I consider you to be someone that has the potential to bring forth the healing that I so desperately need…the healing for my battered soul.  This is why I am so green with jealous over men in your life that I don’t know or that I perceive to be a threat.  I am so used to losing the things that I hold precious and dear, or having them taken from me like Zachariah.  This is the reason why I act like a bitch at times or become introverted to the point of secret depression.

            I want to thank you for striving to give me everything that I want.  I thank you for working 60+ hour weeks to provide me with a sense of security and stability, something that I crave.   I think this is why I fear change the way that I do, rather it be small or dramatic.  Also, as I am writing this, I realize the reason why I crave your attention and physical affection.  It is because I need that sense of security that only you can give.  I can’t believe this rare clarity I have into accessing my emotions right now.  Usually my emotions are a mystery…to me and those around me.  I love you baby.  In case you are wondering, yes…I am crying right now.  Oddly enough, I can’t really pinpoint the reason for these tears.  I think it is a mixture and multitude of reasons.  One because I love you so damn much, two because of the torn relationship with my mother, three because of this confusion and emptiness I feel at times of high stress in my life.  Love the hurt away.

            In retrospect, I don’t really know what is the conclusion of these matters are.  All I can do is hold on to hope and faith that Love will save the day, and cause my long stormy nights to turn into day.  Rescue me baby, I need you. 

            We can never achieve perfection, but we can achieve perfection for each other.  We can never love each other enough.  We can never let ANYTHING stop us…we have to be strong through any test or trial that we might face together.  Don’t give up.

            Right now India Arie’s song “The Truth” is playing, and I am taking the time to watch you as you are sleeping…realizing how much I truly love and care for you.  I will never let anyone hurt, degrade, or disrespect you for as long as I live.  I will no longer take for granted the love that I have…realizing that you are all that matter and no man can ever take your place.  Furthermore, I realize that have breached the brick walls that I have built around my heart for protection from life’s hurt and abandonment.  Take your position seriously.  It is apart of your responsibilities to protect my heart as it is mines to protect yours.  Keep persevering and striving to give me all that I deserve out of this life, because that is the same thing that I am doing for you.  Continue to be yourself while I continue to be myself, but realize, as I have, that we are not perfect.  We still have a lot of work to accomplish.  Remember that there is nothing to hard that we can’t accomplish together with the power of God.  Remember at all times that I love you with all of my heart until the end of time. Please be understanding and patient when I act crazy…realizing the true feelings behind my insanity.  I love you baby…ALWAYS AND FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!  

           

   

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