Monday, January 14, 2008

• A Whole New Year...

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  Love Life

         As far as love is concerned, this year started out with drastic changes.  After everything that Charles and I have been through, certain situations decided our fates for us.  Charles decided that he wanted to be back apart of certain websites, and I completely lost it.  I couldn’t take it anymore.  My reaction was one of retaliation and anger, and I hope I never see that side of myself ever again.  I hit him out of fury and hurt…I was tired of being the victim.  I managed to even scare myself.  It is truly awesome and terrifying to see what happens to the human psyche when we get to a point of total desperation and hopelessness.  I ended up later that night finding Charles and apologizing to him for hitting him…that is something that I am going to have to live with.

   

                  Also, it is quite amazing to see what our consciousness would do to us physically in order to protect us from hurt, harm, and danger.  Last year in August, if I am not mistaken, I suffered from almost complete amnesia.  The only thing I could remember was the brother that I lost some years ago to Children’s Protection Services.  Imagine that you couldn’t remember anything about yourself…you name, age, friends, family, and everything you ever cared about…ALL GONE.

   

                  I found myself in this predicament because of my fear of Charles going back to those websites and cheating on me.  I loved him just that much.  Anyway, I got a phone call from Charles as I was starting work and he stressed me out so bad that I thought I was having an anxiety attack.  I ended up going to the bathroom and hiding in the stall trying to get control of my breathing and fighting to calm down without overreacting.  I wish I could say everything ended ok that day, but I can’t.  I ended up passing out in that stall and when I did awake, I had lost my complete memory…amnesia.  Thank God that night after I was released from the hospital I asked Charles if we had argued or anything that day.  He told me about the phone call he made to me earlier that day.  That in turn, triggered all of my memories to come back.  I just burst into tears.

   

                  Well, Charles and I are no longer together, and I finally realize that he is simply just not the one for me.  There is simply just no hope for us.  Although we loved each other, we were just two completely different people.  Honestly, I am finally at peace now.  I am taking care of myself and working to have a secure stable future…no longer will my mental, physical, or spiritual health depend on a man.

   

  Family Life

                  My family life hasn’t been all that great this year either.  The other night I went over to my grandmother’s house to spend some time with the family since everybody was there that night.  Everything was great until I got up to go to the bathroom.  On my way to the back of the house I could hear my 45 year old uncle yelling at my 19 year old pregnant sister that her baby daddy needs to get a job and buy her a cell phone because he wasn’t about to get off of the house phone.  Mind you, my uncle has a job and doesn’t pay my grandmother any rent to stay there since his wife put him out for cheating on her for the millionth time.  My question is why doesn’t that scrub own a personal cell phone?

   

                  Anyway, before they could see me, I went back to the table where the rest of the family was instead of jumping into an argument that had nothing to do with me.  Next thing I know, my 8^th month pregnant sister ran into the kitchen crying and yelling that my uncle needed to leave her alone.  Before I could blink my grandmother jumped up like she was about to hit my sister and told her she needed to respect her uncle.  My sister just started crying more and ran off into one of the bedrooms with my grandmother at her heels.  Then, my oldest sister and my mother ran to the back to try to calm the situation down leaving my grandfather sitting at the kitchen table side by side.  After my mother returned, I told my grandfather and her about how my uncle was messing with my sister in the back of the house.  My grandfather still blamed the whole situation on my sister, saying she had a bad attitude.  Next, my grandmother and my sister returned leaving my pregnant sister in the back of the house.  Next thing I know my grandmother was yelling at my oldest sister telling her to shut up while my sister was trying to explain that they both was telling my pregnant sister the same thing.  My grandmother yelled an obscenity and put my sister out of her house locking the door behind her.  At that time I opened my mouth and tried to explain to everybody what I seen and heard previous.  My grandparents wasn’t even hearing it…they had already decided who was to blame.

   

                  Next, my uncle runs in the kitchen lying on my sister saying that she came in the room where he was and demanded that he give her the phone.  I wasn’t having it!  I told him that he was lying and that if that was true, all he had to do was act like a grown-up and tell her not to talk to him like that since he was her uncle and close his room door instead of disrespecting her and her unborn child.  Then he started calling me a punk ass bitch.  OH HELL NAW’LL!!!!!  I was not about to let some broke down bitch who can maintain his own home disrespect me and call me out of my name.  I jumped in his face to show him I wasn’t scared of him.  We were so close to each other until our faces were touching…  My grandmother then runs and jumps in between us.  While she was facing me with her back to my uncle he hit me out of her line of sight.  I ended up jumping over my grandmother and punching him in the face repeatedly.  I tore that nigga up. 

   

                  Mind you that my siblings and I are very protective of each other.  My mom, trying to break up the fight threw my uncle out of the way unto my grandmother.  My grandmother, after smoking for over fifty years has severe shortness of breath…she couldn’t breath and I could see that, so I pulled my uncle off of my grandmother and threw him in the corner.  I left him alone to go and help my grandfather off of the floor since he can barely walk since his first stroke.  My uncle decided that the fight wasn’t over and ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife cutting me across my back and my hand and cutting my mom in the process.  I didn’t know I had got cut…my adrenalin was raging too high.  All I knew was that I seen something shiny and heard my sister’s yelling…we all jumped that nigga again.  We all whipped his bitch ass!!!

   

                  The consequences of this horrific fight:  My oldest sister and I are banned from my grandmother’s house, and we are also not allowed to go to their funerals when they die.  I can care less about any of that, but the one thing that hurts me is the fact that she has also banned us from seeing our siblings.  Good thing though, I have my own way around that.  Every Sunday that I am off of work, I am going to pop up at their church.  She is too sanctimonious to act a fool in a small church like she has.  I called her and apologized for fighting in her house and disrespecting her and my grandfather, she told me she probably would have stabbed me too.  So for now, it’s whatever…

   

   

   

  My Life

                  As for my personal life, things are looking up.  2008 seems like it is going to be a big year for me.  We are barely in the second week of the year and I have already been broken and put back together twice.  I am a survivor.  Everyday I wake up at 6am in order to catch the bus and make it to work on time to get myself a car and eventually an apartment.  I don’t even return home from work until 8:30pm or 9pm.  I really don’t have much time for anything else in my life except texting my thought of the day to all of my friends each day.  For the first time in my life, I don’t need a man under me to validate my existence and my feelings. I am truly happy with myself and my future.  It is no longer a question of whether or not I am going to be successful; it is a question of when.  I have finally come into my own…a new sense of independence. 

   

                  Thinking to myself, life has the unique ability to put you through so many changes with all the trials and tribulations, but I dare not despise my pain and problems.  Honestly, they are changing me in to a Man…a grown-up.  I have finally learned that age does not make the man.  It is situations and his actions that define his ability to call himself a man.  If you are cheating on your significant other you are a BOY.  If you are still trying to impress your “homies” at the risk of going broke you are a BOY.  If you can’t hold a job for longer than two weeks you are a BOY.  If you can’t even get your priorities in order to secure your future, you are a BOY. 

   

  A true Man doesn’t do any of these things.  He knows how to love and be loved in return without pushing a person away.  He knows when it is time to let some things go, and when to hold on to them.  He knows how to stand on his own two feet without relying on the crutch of his family and friends.  A true Man knows it is ok to ask for help instead of being overly proud destroying those he cares around him.  It is time for all of us who call ourselves real true Men to do some self-evaluation.  Are we Grown Men or little boys???

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