We had an ice storm in NH last night. That is all we have been getting all winter so far...rain and ice. No real snow to speak of so far....this close to Xmas, there should be more snow.

You all know that my mom passed away suddenly in July. Now to add even more, my father may be stricken with his 4th round of cancer. He had prostate cancer in 2000, testicle cancer in 2005, skin cancer in 2007 and now they think he has bone cancer. There is a large bump on his elbow that the doctor thinks is suspicious, we will know Wednesday, when they do this dye test.  He had an appointment earlier this week but of course the doctor "put it off" so now we wait.

In my heart I really think it is true, he has lost a LOT of weight, is beginning to feel more and more pain in his legs and really looks sick.  I know I should feel blessed to have had my parents until I was 44 but, I still feel a bit of jealousy when I see people much older than me with their mothers or fathers.....it sucks.  I really miss my mothers voice, her advice.  Since my mother died, dad has clung to me like lint, we have become buddies. He calls me every night (sometimes its a pain) but I will miss that when he is gone.

Anyway in light of it all, I am planning a nice Thanksgiving just like nothing is wrong. I figure if this is to be my last holiday with my Dad, then I want us to enjoy it.  I will let you all know how the test went, probably after the holiday.

Happy Thanksgiving and please enjoy your family this year.

     If you have been following my blog you would know that my father has been putting me through the wringer since July.  I do care about his happiness, but shouldnt a person try and help themselves a little?  He was in the emergency room twice last week for his grief episodes, the ER staff and I offered him some very good baby steps in helping him cope with moms death and to maybe get him connected with some friends.

     First of all the ER suggested the senior center where he could eat lunch every day with people (he says he hates to eat alone). Well he finally went yesterday and hated it. "The lasagna was tough, the salad pieces were cut too large, the cheese they used tasted like shit." "Some fat old bitch ate 3 huge pieces of lasagna, the old men I sat near didnt know if they were coming or going". I am not going to that damn place again. Ok then, well he is supposed to go to a group grief session Wednesday morning, I am 99% sure he wont. Then all he does is bitch and complain that he hates to eat alone, he is thin and weak etc. I want to scream and kick his butt and say........."if you would do these things you would get better".

     I am getting to annoyed with him. I certainly do care about him and his grief but my God, if he wont mingle, seek help or anything, what else can I do. He leans on me for everything as I am the only kin left.  He has a grand daughter but she is NO help, she is all her inlaws and nobody else. She sees him once a month and that is about it. All he does is whine about her not calling, her not stopping over etc. What the hell am I, chopped liver, appreciate that fact I am always here for you, get over her ass already.

I have a family of my own, it is so hard to have him call me every single night from 7-9 and still have time for my family. Speaking of calling, he never wears his hearing aid so when he is on the phone, he screams into it and asks me over 3-4 times.  I dont see what is so hard about inserting a hearing aid in your ear.

I feel so torn.....I care and want to help him....but he wont help himself.......I am getting so tired and weary.