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| You are the one who determines your intimacy with God. If you don't want this to die, it won't. If you don't care, it will. I know for certain that I am moving to a new level because I want it bad. I want it so bad that I am willing to "beat my body" and make myself do the things I never used to do. Yes, back to real life, but looking at everything through a new set of sunglasses. | | |
| Into marvelous light I'm running,
Out of darkness, out of shame.
By the cross you are the truth,
You are the life, you are the way
My dead heart now is beating,
My deepest stains now clean.
Your breath fills up my lungs.
Now I'm free. now I'm free! Lord, thank you for being my Lord, my Father, and my best friend. Thank you so much for your love, your grace, and your peace - without them, I would not be sitting here typing right now. Oh Lord, I know that I am unworthy, like a dirty rag used to clean the floor; I have committed all the sins possible, and yet You were still willing to die for me, with the full knowledge of who I truly am. It's been too long Lord.. I'm sick and tired of hiding, of shame, of satan's hold on me. I'm sick of my guilts, my lies, and my utter dirtiness. I'm sick of living for You while allowing myself to be chained down by the world. Thank you so much for opening my eyes to the aspects of myself I have been previously blinded to, and giving me the chance to confess all of my sins. It feels so good to be free from the world. I am so glad everybody knows who I really am - there is no secrets in me anymore. I have let the deepest and darkest one out of my heart, and the feeling is incredible. No shame, no guilt, no nothing - just plain joy. Thank you for working in so many people's lives today Lord; thank you for those who accepted You today. I pray that we will make a difference in this world and live wholly for you every single day of our lives, not just simply when we feel like it. I am nothing without You. Lord, I love you more than anything in this world. Thank you. Amen I love you guys. You guys have been so good to me, accepting me for who I am along with all the flaws and weaknesses. Thank you. | | |
| It was so hard, but I either had to do it, or disregard it altogether. I have not felt so helpless in a long time. The funny thing was, never once did I suspect the truth. I thought I was strong enough, committed enough, good enough, but of course God proved me wrong. Yeah, other people saw my "physical" christian life because, to an extent, one's values reflect themselves in one's action, and I'm not about to deny that I believed God. Nevertheless, the world captivated my thoughts and thus fettered me down, which rendered me uncapable of achieving my potential zeal for the only truth on earth. And I didn't even realize it until now. I didn't even realize how ponderous material objects weighted in my life, or the significance of my petty fantasies - I did not want to let them go. You know what saying "Jesus is the Lord of my life" really means? To me, it means that one is willing to say "whatever" to the world and die for God; it means that one no longer cares what the world does to him or says to him because Jesus is all that matters now; it means stepping out of one's comfort zone and witness to one's obstinate friends; it means always saying "yes" to the Lord even though letting go may feel like a thousand needles stinging one's heart..... Am I ready? Yes.. Yet I am still afraid, fearing that two months later I will not be strong enough to back up my wills. I am afraid of see the same old jess in the mirror again, further steeped in the worldly quagmire, instead of a long-desired new image. I would hate myself if I discover the familiar landscape of conformity,self-consciousness, and pusillanimity days after my confident assertion... Fear, in the midst of unmovable determination and peace. Thunder without rain. You know what I also realized? After this year, I may never see some of my friends again. Ever, even after I die. This is a morbidly depressing thought, yet it is so true. How long will this last? Is the duration going to be one night, or forever? | | |
| Just because I have so much time on my hands this week, I'm going to be writing more, even though I know I should be spending this time instead on my APE stories or SAT. But there are just some things in life more important than academics right now. I have been so fettered down by my emotions since I-can't-even-remember. I am scared. Confused. Hesitant. I know what I am doing is not right, and I know that God knows. That's the scary thing - He knows. There is a dilemma in my life right now: I want to hear God and know Him more, but I am scared of His voice. Growing up in an asian family, the manifestation of spirituality in the physical world is regarded as something one should avoid. One should not dab with the spirits too much, including the Holy Spirit. So I am confused - how do I know I am not dabbing on charismatic worships, or whatever kind of worship that's called? Cautiousness is my thing, especially concerning the spiritual realm. That's why I was so freaked out during APE; and ironically, alongside this freaking-out is the desire to hear God. Don't get me wrong, I believe in visions, miracles, speaking in tongues etc etc, yet their manifestation, especially right in front of me, scares me. Ugh, this is so annoying. 
My reflection is muggy because I do not see myself clearly, not because the reflection is naturally unclear.... It's raining again. | | |
| "Ah, Soverign Lord," I said, "I do not know how to speak; I am only a child." But the Lord said to me, "Do not say, 'I am only a child.' You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you," declares the Lord. Then the Lord reached out his hand and touched my mouth and said to me, "Now, I have put my words in your mouth." - Jeremiah 1:6-9 I guess "I am an introvert" really isn't an excuse to shy away from sharing anymore. But I'll admit, I still absolutely dislike stepping out of my comfort zone by going up to people and verbally communicate my faith. I would much rather communicate my faith through my actions. Sometimes though, I just have to ignore what I think people will think and do it. Hahaha we had an interesting activity in sociology today. We had to partner up with someone and write down five adj's we though our partner would use to describe us; then we had to write down five adj's describing our partner. My partner was sarah and this is what she wrote about me:
Smiles a lot
Academic
Athletic
Opinionated
Smart
And I guessed about 3/5 adj's right. Of course, I never thought about this until the soc textbook pointed out, but now I see it. The author said that our self image is formed by what we think others think of us. For example, I never thought I smiled a lot until people started telling me about it. Now I see myself as someone who smiles a lot. Even though I feel like being a maverick and rebel against my nature, I cannot deny the fact that I need to feel significant and secure. Yes, it is a sad verity, and I hate to admit it because the act of admitting renders me vulnerable. I like to be invincible. However, my nature does not allow me to be invincible. Even my freaking self identity is based on someone else - I can't even come up with my own identity for myself. I hate being vulnerable. I absolutely loathe it. I don't mind being vulnerable in front of God, yet being vulnerable in front of humanity is a different matter. My dislike for "helplessness" does not stem so much from pride, but from fear. I am reluctant to give someone the key into my "helplessness" because I don't know what they will do with it. Will they snicker? Will they manipulate? Will they bully? Will they gossip? That's just it - I can never be certain, and I am unwilling to take that leap of faith with some people. Tell me, how do you really know if God exists? What if He is just an imagination conjured by people who need to fulfill their sense of security? What if?
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