I woke up this morning quite put out with Roscoe, my cat.  He kept waking me up all night with the need to be cuddled and just be in my face. On impulse, I asked him (as if he could answer) "Geez Roscoe, why are you so insecure?"

Well, that question brought to mind a comment my stepson made to me a few months ago and the more I thought about it, the more I have to say on the matter.  My stepdaughter and I had been discussing grooming and I said that I really needed to get my eyebrows waxed. She jokingly said that if I kept plucking them, I wouldn't have any left, and my stepson jumped in saying something to the effect of  "Insecure much?"

That kind of baffled me.  Insecure? Because I groom my eyebrows since I have no desire to look like Atilla the Hun? WILD! But then I got to thinking about it. Maybe I DO have insecurities, but if I do, it's because of men. Wanting to be pretty and well groomed for your guy doesn't make you insecure. It makes you female.

Let me give you a few examples of what DOES make a girl insecure.

DAVE

I dated Dave for five years. Due to his job, he was gone ALOT. I never knew where he was or what he was doing, and though I had his cell number, I wasn't allowed to use it because it was a "company phone." For the record, all my friends hated Dave. When we were together, everything was wonderful. The outside world ceased to exist. We laughed and loved and talked for hours. He was intelligent, thoughtful, and caring, but then he was gone again with no way to tell when I would get to see him again or for how long. I would imagine us married and think that the bliss of our togetherness wold carry me through the lonely times without him when he was on the road. (Boy how stupid was I?) I truely felt that I loved that man, and in my own way, I suppose that I did, but I have come to realize that what I felt for him was nothing, NOTHING compared to the true love I share with Dennis.  Share being the key word here.  Dave didn't share my feelings.  Oh.. yeah, he could say "I love you" and did... alot. But he has no clue what love is about. Anyway, Lemme tell you how our five year relationship ended.  He called me up one day to tell me he was in Dallas headed this way on business.  He was only going to be in town for a few hours but he wanted to see me. I needed to see him too, I said. We had something we needed to talk about.  I didn't want to tell him that I was pretty sure we were about to be parents on the phone, but he forced it out of me. After a few really stupid questions like "How did that happen?"(Gee, Dave, do I have to explain it to you? You were there....) and "But we were careful!"(Ok.. yer 42 years old. Do you really believe that the rythm method is viable birth control?) he said he was on his way and I would see him in a few hours.  That was three and a half years ago. He still hasn't had the balls to show his face to me. Thank GOD that it turned out that I wasn't pregnant after all. Oh.. and come to find out, he loved me so much, that he had not one or two, but about five other women besides me going on at the same time. I wonder, would this make a girl insecure?

Here's another example:

TOMMY 

I met Tommy in the bar that I worked in. He persued me pretty heavily, even though I had told him several times that I just wasn't interested. After Dave, it was hard for me to trust a guy, but he finally got me to agree to dinner.  It was actually a pretty plesant expierence, and he was easy to talk to.  We decided to go out again. We dated for several weeks, me not giving him more than a kiss at the end of the evening, when he asked me to go to bed with him. He somehow had sneeked past my defenses and into my trusting little heart, so I said yes.  For two days after our tryst, I could not get ahold of him. He didn't come in the bar, and I couldnt reach him at home, work, or cell.  then finally, on the third day, he answered the phone.  He informed me, happily I might add, that he was in the process of moving out of state.... so long... it's been fun... Oh, and did I mention that this call took place on the anniversary of Dave fucking me over? Tommy couldnt figure out why I was so mad. "It's not like I married you," he said to me.  Yeah.. that wouldn't make a girl insecure....

Then there's Tony.

TONY

A carpenter I met, Tony would come into the bar with the woman he was seeing, and shamelessly flirt with me. One night he came in alone and told me that they had split, and honestly, he didn't seem too broken up about it. He passed me his number and said I should give him a call.  He was cute and recently single, and my ego was pretty bruised after Tommy. I figured why not.  The way to get over one, is get another one, right? After all.. we had had a very steamy time together on the dancefloor. I really should have known better.  His kisses were hotter than grandma's cobbler, and his body was lean and hard. He was complimentary and sweet. He made me feel wanted. Before long, he had me doing all kinds of things for him... like his laundry and his dishes.  He talked about finding us a house and moving in together. And then, an "old friend" showed up. She had fancy clothes, pancake make up, and big hair, not to mention that her boobs were bigger than mine (no small feat, to be sure). I found myself going from main squeeze, to best friend in the face of her extreme femininity. And, without so much as a backward glance, I was once again thrown into the depths of the insecurity pool.

Yeah, so I have issues. But as I have pointed out, it's because men have made me that way. So, as you can well imagine, when I met Dennis (in the very same bar, mind you), I was intrigued, but I threw on the breaks, and threw up the roadblocks.  He seemed to care, but I was determined to take it slowly. Things were progressing nicely, but I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop.  It's been over a year now that we've been together.  Most of that time we have been living together in wedded bliss. Though there have been a few crazy moments, and at times, alot of anxiety, he is still mine. 

So, am I insecure because I don't wish to look like Atilla? I dunno.  I personally think that I am just a woman with a bad love track record, very much in love with a wonderful man who, thus far, seems to love her back.  No insecurities here, kids.

We've made the decision to move to Minnesota, all the plans were made.  He was going ahead to get us set up. He's been gone three weeks.  I've barely heard a word out of him, and I cant seem to get anyone to answer the phone.  My heart is breaking.  I love him so much.  This lack of communication is slowly killing me.  I try to tell myself that he is busy and trying to get us set up.  I am trying really hard to trust that he loves me and has never lied to me, but with every day that passes without communication, I find it harder and harder to believe.  If he doesn't want me anymore, why wont he tell me. I never imagined him to be so heartless and cruel!  What have I done wrong? I slip farther and farther into depression by the minute.  I cant sleep. I'm barely eating. I can't stop crying.  Why would he break my heart this way? I physically ache for want of him. To see him, to touch him, hell, just to hear his voice.  I dont understand.  I can't understand. Somebody please try to explain this to me. What would cause a man who claims to love, honor and cherish you to walk away from you without explianation or a backward glance?

--A very lost, sad, and lonely Ahyoka

I found this on TheCheshireGrins blog, and thought it was cool, so I copied it, and here it is in all it's glory

Whooooo are you? Who? Who?

Ahyoka's answers:

1. I was in the process of getting my Associates Degree in Audio Engineering, but life sidetracked me and I am now working on moving to Minnesota with my new hubby. 
2. Short term goals I guess are to get moved, and get a decent paying job.... 
   
3. I was born and raised in the American south. I speak English, Texan, and enough Spanish to get my butt kicked..... 
4. I have to have Dr. Pepper or I am useless.... If there is no DP around, I drink coffee.
5. Ummmm.... finish my record, and mass distribute it to every record label and radio station in the country. 
6. My Xanga name, SweetAhyoka is from the fact that my husband is native american.  When we wed, he gave me my indian name, Ahyoka, which means "She brought happiness." I just threw the Sweet part infront of it, because he is always telling me I'm a sweetheart. 
7. I have a Xanga account to be able to vent or rant.  Sometimes just babble.  I love to write.
8. I'm too emotional. It drives my husband nuts.  Makes me crazy too.
9. Ten years down the road? I want us to be comfortable. I hope for us to be in the house we have planned in the place we have planned, and not have too many financial woes. 
10. Dr. Pepper.

So answer, answer, answer. I can't wait!


EDIT:
Bonus question: If you had a chance to travel anywhere in the world, where would you go and why?

My answer: I used to dream about being a world traveller, but really, now, as long as Dennis and I are together, I could care less where we are.......

--Ahyoka