I love you. I know that you know that. But I really do. I love having you around and making you laugh and making stupid faces and being just ridiculous. I love laying together and taking care of you. I love being needed and needing you. I love the vulnerability of it all and so much more. I love it all. There are some days I'm almost crazy enough to plot out things we'd never have the money for in my head, living together and whatnot.
It's truly wonderful, all the time we spend together and the way you make me feel. I'd like to have a chat with you about some things in the near future.
It's great and depressing at the same time.
Chris, I'm so happy with you, I really am. But, it just reminds me that I'll be away again and I won't be back all the time and I hate that we haven't had as much time together this summer as I would have liked.
I know we still have time, I just... am still not ready to grow up yet, and it just keeps coming closer.
In other news, I'm very excited about upcoming trips to the Lake House and Mike' Lake house as well, both will be super fun I'm sure.
I really want to see Jen and Dani before they go to Scotland but I worry I won't get the chance. :\
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Now, adressing family issues.
It really pisses me off that my getting into my career is part of the "let's get the family out of debt" plan.
I can't take that added pressure.
Nothing that I want to do with my life pays well. It scares me enough knowing that I'm going to have to depend on someone else to be able to be 'on my own' and that I have to depend on someone else to have the family I'd like.
I can't just throw myself and my family onto the shoulders of someone else, and I can't have it all on myself either. I don't want to play the fucking victim
like my mother does
I don't want to be anyone's pity case. I don't want to lean on anyone.
I want to do it, and I want to do it by myself, and then I'll start letting other people in.
I'm afraid that I'll never get out under my father. I worry about money and the future all the time.
When do I get to be a teenager? When will I be taken care of?
Probably not until I can't take a shit on my own.
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