Daughters...
There are tons of us girls out there, right? Don't girls outnumber boys?
This has been on my mind for such a long time now. I can't tell you how often dads come in to my ultrasound room and tell me that all they want is a little boy. I can count on one hand the number of new daddies that said they were hoping for a little girl. I count myself lucky if they tell me that they would be "ok" with a little girl.
This hit me really hard yesterday. It upset me to the point of tears a couple times. Every time I came back to thinking about it, my eyes would mist up again.
I'll start with the story that brought it up, and where I went from there.
A couple came in yesterday with their lovely, tiny daughter. She toddled in wearing little blue jean shorts, and a white camisole top. Her hair was blond, and still short like a baby, but the ends curled just so. She was so brave, she didn't need mommy or daddy to hold on to her, she just followed behind me like she was told. Her dad said that today was her first birthday, and getting to see her little brother was her present! I chuckled with him, and said that I bet it wasn't her only present.
When we got into the ultrasound room, I gave them my whole speech about how my job is to get the pictures the doctors need to make sure the baby is developing normally and healthy. I told them it would take me about ten minutes to get all of those pictures, and then I would be glad to show them the baby, take some pictures for them to take home, and (if they would like to) we would find out if it is a boy or a girl. I remembered his comment from earlier, and asked him if they already knew what they were having. He said, "No, but we just want a little boy this time."
I turned down the lights, and heard this tiny, piping voice say, "Lights on, peese." I stopped where I was standing, and waited for my eyes to adjust to the dim room. "Lights on, peese. Too dawk."
My mouth fell open, I stood there stunned. 12 months old? Today is her first birthday? Full sentence? I couldn't believe it. I asked her, "You want the lights back on?" She said, "Yes peese. Too dawk in heea."
I laughed! I said to her mother, "That is incredible! She talks like a two year old!"
They started to tell me about all of the amazing things that she can do, what she talks about, how precocious she is. Dad was fumbling all over himself pointing out how amazing his daughter was. He demonstrated her ability to say goodbye in French, Spanish, and German when asked. (Ever seen a 12 month old baby say 'auf wiedersehen'? You melt.) He seemed like such a proud poppa, so in love with his little girl.
I also have to point out here that their first daughter, and indeed this pregnancy as well were concieved with in-vitro fertilization - a procedure that only works around thirty percent of the time. I had been thinking to myself the whole time how lucky and thankful they should be to be pregnant at all.
When I got to the part where I turned on my 'big screen' TV for them to watch, he half-shouted, "Ok! Lets find that pee-pee!" My heart sunk right there. I already knew it was a girl. I already knew it was a healthy, beautiful girl... and if she was anything like her big sister, she was gorgeous and amazing. He didn't care... he just wanted a boy.
This followed me all day, and then home again that night. Brock and I started talking about it, and he couldn't see how much it bothered me. I told him, "I need to call my dad." He laughed and asked, "Why? So you can talk about Stargate SG-1?"
With tears starting to flow down my cheeks, my voice caught in my throat and I replied, "No... so I can ask him if he was disappointed that I was a girl."
He gave me a big hug, and tried to console me, but Brock didn't get it - not even a little bit. His reply was, "Of course he wasn't disappointed, he already had two boys."
Which is exactly my point. If dad hadn't had two boys first, if I was his girl, if all he had was girls... would he have been disappointed? Would I have been enough? What is it about men that limit them to thinking they can only love a child if it has a penis, and not simply because it is their amazing, beautiful, blessing of a child?
John Mayer wrote a song that said, "Fathers, be good to your daughters. Daughters will live like you do. Girls become lovers, who turn into mothers, so mothers be good to your daughters too."
Daddies out there... your daughters love you. They look up to you, and need you. You are their strength, and their courage. They want to make you proud, make you happy, make you smile. Please, please don't ever be sad that you've been given a tiny human being that will love you first, and above all others.
I can't tell you how crushed I would be, now and forever, to know that my dad was disappointed when he found out that he had me.
Comments (387)
I don't think it's that they don't "want" a daughter, so much as they aren't sure what to do with one! I think guys just want to make memories with their sons like they had with their own fathers...and some want to be the father that their's wasn't. Most men are afraid of girls! It doesn't change when they become fathers.
But the thing is, as you saw with the guy in the ultrasound room, when that little girl is born, even if they wanted a boy deep down...that little girl will steal their heart, and any disappointment that they may have had (and I don't think it's truly disappointment) disappears into thin air.
I personally want a little boy and then a girl...that way she can grow up with an older brother like I did. But if it turns out not to happen that way, I'll be happy anyway, just as long as I get the chance to be someone's parent some day.
good post...have always been enjoying reading your stories. keep them coming
If I were hazard a guess, I think they always want a son first so that they have someone to "carry on the family name."
My brother has one of each, and I think he is just as crazy about one as he is the other.
all i wanted was a 'healthy one'...the gender didn't matter.
I think they tend to want a boy first so they can play baseball and sports with them. It doesn't mean they love their daughters less. They are just able to better identify with the boys. Having said that, I love my youngest daughter and she is precious.
Maybe you are taking this whole situation a little bit to seriously. You said yourself that this Dad loved his daughter so much and was so prod of her, so what makes you think he won't love his next daughter just as much? I seriously doubt your Dad was disappointed to have you. Do you realize how over dramatic and ridiculous that sounds?
@BeautifulB_227 - Thanks for dropping your two cents in! I hope when you have a bad day or write about something that means a lot to you, some one else can tell you that you're being dramatic and ridiculous... warms your heart. I'm glad it meant enough to you to take the time to write it out a hurtful message.
Cheers!
Wow...
I don't blame you for being upset. I work Labor and Delivery so to think that anyone would be disappointed when some people struggle to have children is amazing. I know at least One person who won't be disappointed...@TempestBeauty - Didn't mean to be hurtful! just wanted to say that there is no way your father could be disappointed with you just because your a girl. I just don't think its that likely to be true. Thats all...
thanks for such a thoughtful and well-expressed post.
I have four kids: two boys and two girls. Although my relationship with my boys is special and unique, I CANNOT IMAGINE life without my daughters. And I know that my ex feels the same away about them.
Your father is lucky to have such an intelligent and kind-hearted daughter to brag about.....
that sounds like my dad, not to sound pitiful. but i'm not sure if he would've been more responsible or caring had i been a boy. i got the whole story how i was supposed to be one, though. charlie would've been my name.
he still doesn't talk to me or my sister very much.
In the case of the father in the ultrasound room, he could have just been hoping to "round out" the family, you know? One girl, one boy, a dog, and a white picket fence surrounding the lovely house that Mom and Pop picked out. ::small smile:: Could be.
And from what I've seen, women tend to want little girls to dress up and play dolls with, and men tend to want little boys who they can play ball with. Kind of reliving their own childhood, is the best I can fathom, or simply because they may better relate to what it was like at that age. And in the long run, from what I've seen, parents will love their children no matter their gender in the end.
I hope you'll feel better soon. Best of luck.
Men can be real insensitive jerks most of the time without even trying. I am sure that man won't be disappointed for forever. When I found out my child was a boy I was a tiny disappointed in not having a girl but I love my child the same. The fact that he is healthy and happy is all I really need. I think all men dream of having a little them to raise but when it really comes down to it, the sex of the child doesn't really matter. But who that child grows to be is what really matters to them. My father had 2 boys before my sister and I and he has said that even though my brother is very successful, he is most proud of us for being such strong, intelligent women.
I hope you feel better. Not all guys are horrible.
I'm the father of two daughters (and a son) and I couldn't be prouder of my girls. There are some of us out there. Please don't give up hope.
Many fathers may think they want a boy but the moment their daughter is born, they could not care less. They will love a girl just as much as they would have loved a boy.
I don't think it's that the guy wants sons over daughters, perhaps it's that he wants one of each. He already has a daughter, so now he wants to have a son. That could easily be it, as that's the way I feel, as well.
My father had all 4 girls, and he seems really happy about the way things turned out.
As for me, to be honest, I'd be disappointed if I didn't end up with one of each. I plan on having two kids, maybe three, but I really want to have both a son and a daughter, for so many reasons. This is a long way away, but... I hope I get to have both. Perhaps that's how the father felt when he wanted a son.
I think your reply to BeautifulB was a bit harsh. What she said wasn't mean at all, at least I didn't think it was. he wasn't attacking you at all.
My parents have 2 children- myself and my older sister. And I know for a fact that my dad would have loved to have a son. But he NEVER made us feel like we weren't enough. Sure, he was happy when I decided to study engineering. I'd have been like the son he never had ;). I think men feel like they need to have a son to extend existence of their family name. Isn't that the way it's been for centuries? It's not contemporary man's fault.
And isn't it a natural feeling, in a way, for a man to want a boy and for a woman to want a girl? It's like having a Mini Me, a little person we can teach everything we know about life. Men naturally get on better with men and the same goes for women. In general terms of course.
You said that the father didn't care, he just wanted a boy. But what did actually happen? Was he upset when you told him it was a girl, was he angry?? What was his reaction?
You didn't mention women at all? Are we perfect in all this?
Hi! I just popped over to your blog, because being the mother of two beautiful grown girls, the post title caught my eye! I was also amazed at some of the comments, because in your line of work, this is obviously not a "one time" observance, but a daily one. I do have to agree that at times we all say things and don't realize how they affect those around us, but we need to be especially careful around our children... that they will always feel wanted and treasured. I hope that Daddy comes to realize the weight of his words when speaking around his little girl. Children need to know that they are a precious gift from God.
Great post. :)
wow, i've always known since i was a boy that in the future i want a little daughter. they are just so sweet. i guess the primary reason people want boys is obviously to pass on the family name, but i dont really think that matters to me. i'd probably want a son but an older one, to take care of my little girl when i'm old and dying.
boys are always impatient with their dads. haha at least i am with mine.
sounds like that little girl sure has the gift of the gab, she might become something quite interesting in the future.
@BeautifulB_227 - Hey, I tried to respond earlier and kept getting errors.
Thanks for clearing it up... I think maybe you were a little harsher than you meant to be. I know I was too.
No hard feelings? :)
I love this post so much. I feel your pain, because I hae the same pain - only, it's not my dad that makes me feel like that, but my mom. She wanted a boy as her first child, she even had a name for him - Jonathan. And then out I came, and I'm a girl. She couldn't have known it at that time because the technology wasn't good enough. And even though I know she loves me, I also know that she loves my brother more.
I could go on and on, but if I do, I'll just bawl my eyes out.
I pray that your dad will not be like my mom. I pray that he'll love you for who you are.
Blessings,
Addy
I still believe both my parents would've been happier if I were male. Lol. But for a lot of Chinese families, they want a boy because the boy can carry down the last name. >_< It's sad really. =/
i was rather tempted to send this post to my own dad. we haven't had the best relationship in the world.
aww this made me cry. i'm so glad my dad's prud of me...even my fuckups. it's the most precious thing i have on earth. it would kill me to know he wasnt the happiest man on earth when my sis and i were born (we're twins)