Brock and I had to work on a project last night.
It was a modified family tree, in which we had to show all of the connections of family members, marriages, children, and simple relationships. After we had laid out our whole sprawling family, we then had to analyze the relationships between various people -- each couple, parent to child, grandparent to child, and so on.
The exercise was designed to show you a pattern between relationships, and how they can be passed on from generation to generation. We were asked to do this by our pastor for our marriage counseling sessions. Tonight, we go in and talk to her about the results, and what they can mean.
One of the things that she's going to ask us is which of the relationships we wish to be most unlike. Many of the relationships were called 'conflictual' - meaning they experienced turmoil and discord. Others were categorized as 'distant' or 'estranged'. Some were close, and you were allowed to combine any of the ideas. To be quite honest, I looked at my own family relationship map, and realized I would rather have a conflictual relationship than no relationship at all.
My father has four brothers, and his mother and father are both still alive. He hasn't spoken to any member of his family in more than 5 years. I don't know, really, the reason that he has cut off communication. I can't say that any of his family members have attempted to contact him. But whenever I think of never hearing from someone in my family again, whenever I imagine someone perceiving a wrong so powerfully that they would completely remove me from their life... it breaks my heart a little.
I just found out my paternal grandmother has come out of remission. She has esophogeal cancer, and has been fighting it for the last six years. Her doctors have given her less than a year to live. I don't have any disagreement, or dislike for her. I also don't have a close relationship with her.
I don't know if I should call her, email her, or write her a letter -- or do nothing at all. I don't like the idea that she is all alone. I don't want her to die having never heard from my father again... and at the same time, it's not my place. It's his choice. I can't help but think he might regret never saying anything to her after she's gone. I would prefer conflictual over nothing at all.
Comments (8)
I think a letter or a phone call to your grandmother would be very nice. Just because she and your father are not speaking doesn't mean that you can't communicate with her. You can't change the way things are between them, but you can make sure that she knows you are thinking of her.
My dad tells me all of the time that he doesn't like his brother and one of his sister's, and I think it's so sad. I don't know what they've done to him to make him feel this way, but I just can't imagine what would make you dislike your own brother or sister.
It's a very difficult decision to make...cutting off contact. My grandparents on both sides had a very difficult relationship. But, in Pakistan, it takes a lot to cut yourself off. Some do do it, but only in extreme circumstances.
Sometimes, not cutting off is the worse thing to do because you continue with a very nasty relationship...
Would your dad be open to discussing why he doesn't speak to his family? Or the possibility of contacting his mother?
i know you are SO gonna contact your Gran.
it is the lesson...to treat others how we want to be treated. you just said. you don't want the disconnect (or whatever you said./..exact words so dosen't matter, does it)...so, if YOU don't want it, then whattcha gonna do 'bout it chicky poo?
Regret is the worst thing to have and its within anyone's grasp to avoid it. I recommend you talk to your Gran. You can't avoid regret on behalf of your dad but you can sure avoid it yourself.
That's kind of a cool exercise.
On the note of your grandmother, I think you should do something that you are comfortable with. Writing a letter or calling might be nice. You don't seem to have a personal conflict with her and shouldn't let your father's relationship with her dictate yours.
Yes.. I think it is not easy to maintain a relationship, especially close relationship. So only think I can said is try to maintain as much as we do.
Good Post
The only thing I would suggest is discussing it with your dad first, I know it sounds like asking for permission, but think of it as not stepping on toes. Let him know that you would like to call her or write to her and see if he is alright with that. From first hand experience, missing that step can lead to hurt feelings later and you wouldn't want that either. Just a thought though...
That is a really great exercise - makes you think! I think you should definitely send a note to your grandmother. It will definitely brighten her day/week and you'll have no regrets. Would your dad really get mad at you for that?