Tis A Gift To Be Simple

I have days that I want to crawl under a rock and just hide there until I wither away. It seems that it would just be easier to smoosh down into a small ball and just be where nobody could find me. No troubles, no worries, just alone.

I have no problems being alone. When I am alone, I can sit and think, or read, or stare out my windows and think of all the great things I want to accomplish in my life. I putter around the house, arranging and rearranging everything until it appears perfect to my eye. I watch a lot of television, and enter a world where even the dumbest of characters are smarter than most of the general population.

I actually find that I have better days when I do not interract with people. The idiocy of others drives me insane faster than anything. I can not comprehend how people are content to walk around in a stupor. Not knowing  neither "left" from "right", nor "good" from "evil", nor "democrat" from "republican". They wander around blind and naked, unaware that their own stupididy is what causes most of my mental anguish.

Maybe they have the right approach to life. It IS easier to deal with the world when one doesn't have to think about anything else other than getting through the day. It doesn't matter if one is dumb as a rock, as long as one is able to walk unaware from sun up to sundown.

I can not turn off my brain. When I am idle, my brain goes into overdrive. I try to tire myself out at night, just to sleep soundly. If I do not, then things haunt me though the night. Stupid, petty things dating back to childhood gnaw at my insides and I beat myself up internally until I feel sick. I worry about my future, or lack there of. I anguish over my aging father, my handicapped sister. What I wore to class in the 11th grade. I think about the fact that I'm thinking too much. It just doesn't end.

I think about hiding. About going somewhere where nobody can find me. Where I can just think about nothing. I know that's not a reality. I'd just end up thinking more, and I'd probably end up institutionalized like my mother (my worse nightmare).

Without having many menial tasks to do through out my day, I am in a constant state of awareness. The Musak at work, the constant phone calls, the thousand other things help to keep my mind free from turning on itself. But not for long. Between tasks, the same feelings grab me, and shake me back into this harsh reality. Gone are my daydreams of fame and fortune, of getting all the answers right on exams, of winning the lottery and paying off my bills, and of finding my true self.

My constant source of employment is ending soon. Until I find something new to occupy my days, I will not have much to distract myself. Just my thoughts of meddling worries, nagging doubts, and those too infrequent bursts of wonderful dreams and desires to fill my days and nights. If there was a button to push to end it all, to walk around ignorant, I would do it.

Maybe I could wake everyday and not want to hide from the sunshine.  I could grab life instead of wanting to hide from it. I would worry less about my home that is rarely visited by neither family nor friends, and work on improving myself. I could burst into song, and have it be not a sour ballad, but a peppy upbeat life-affirming number, with flashing lights and thunderous applause. I could finally be basking in the limelight, instead of hiding in the wings.

Tis a gift to be simple. Tis a gift to be free...