Life Isn't Bliss, Life Is Just This

Nothing would make me happier than to have my life turn into a television show. I'm not thinking about a chronicle of my life and times later, with revisionist history and tie-in products such at toothbrushes and tacky locker-sized posters. I want my life, as it appears today, to evolve into a television show.

I want to be the funniest person around. My catchy phrase would enter the American lexicon. Something like "Those fish sure do have great wheels" or "That's just wonky". You know, something nonsensical, but has everyone rolling on their couches.

My real life friends, while all funny in their own right, need to refine their humor, and add some quirkiness to their personas. I need to surround myself with a random assortment of characters (wait, I already do that) whose peccadillos are exasperating for me, but amusing to my audience (ditto on that one, too).

I'll need to change jobs. My current job isn't wacky enough. I need a grating slob of a boss, who is gorgeous, but vain and shallow. I need the coworker who schemes to make me look bad, but only makes herself look bad in the process. I need an unlikely ally to help me keep my head above water. A sassy black girl to "keep things real". And, an off the wall nut who is the owner's son, that we all hate. Work would be so much better with a zany assortment of people around me.

No problem could not be solved within the realm of that episode. Death. Divorce. Dismemberment. Disease. All could be contained and confined within the time alotted. If, and only if, the subject was near and dear to my heart there would be a "very special epsiode of my life" and it would be a two-parter. (To air during sweeps, naturally). While there would be a lingering question at the end of the first half, the second part would wrap everything up with a pretty little bow and life would be bliss again.

Sure, I'd meet up with lawyers in micro-mini skirts, amnesiac detectives, drunken society women, vampires with a soul, school teachers who get shot at every week, thousand year old ex-demons, doctors in an inner-city hospital, interior decorators who work on a budget, hippies and homos, and every other assortment of kooky characters, but isn't that the fun of it?

My life would be full of guest stars. Oh, the guest stars that I would roll out. Roseanne would play my mother for two or three episodes a year (while my real mother is dead, anything is possible in televisionland). Juliette Lewis would play my mentally handicapped sister, a role she was born to play. I could find someone to play my brother and in a "very special episode" I could solve his murder (he's really alive, i'm just wishing). I could recruit every has-been and wannabe into my world. Mary Tyler Moore would drop by as herself, as a birthday present to one of my good friends who worships her.

I could go off to Europe with David Duchovny (starring as my love who got away). Joan Collins could come into town and try to sabotage my life, but would slither away in an air of defeat. Teri Garr would be my aunt, who I didn't know about. Buffy could stop by my town to solve those "weird murders" that have been taking place all over town. Madonna would be my next door neighbor, a globetrotting journalist whose cat I feed. I'm sure I could get Ann-Margret to appear somehow. Just gotta figure that one out.

I could have theme episodes of my life. Musical numbers, flashback episodes (with me being played by some new up and coming boy band singer. One who is much too attractive to play me at such a young age), episodes set in the future. Full on iambic pentameter modern versions of Shakespeare's plays to attract the kiddies and intellectuals. Singing. Dancing. Happiness.

I would wear all of the latest fashions. My job would require me to wear all of the best clothes, but I would dress casually funky cool at home, to enlist the hep designers as well. I would be styling.

When the jokes got old, I'd fire the writers and hire new ones to keep things fresh. Everyone would wish to live in my world full of fun. Everyone would want to be me...most everyone wants to be me right now, but when everything evolves, there will be nothing stopping me.

Anything is possible in Televisionland.