I decided I liked writing you letters, so I think I will continue....

Dear Mom,

I find I remember moments every so often.  Moments of you .. and sometimes even of dad.. or our trips to Arkansas... Grandma, Grandpa. I sorta envy you all, being able to be together.

I was looking through your Gmail I set up for you today at work. I can't seem to delete anything, it just fills up with more and more junkmail. I think I was hoping for some hidden message from you amongst the tarot.com and mortgage emails.

Remember the time we were going shopping with Madison when she wasn't even 2 years old. She was sitting in the back of the car in her car seat, we were almost to the Mall and she saw one of those huge balloons that was strung to some new store.. and kept reaching for it, straining against her car seat saying "can't reach it.. cant reach it.. toooo farrrr". Her little fingers trying so hard to reach this balloon, so high in the air on a building over a half mile away. I think I feel like that now. I just can't reach it.. except I don't know what it is I'm trying to reach for.

I found some pictures of you from the trip to Hawaii. Those are some of the best memories. I was so proud of you for getting in the kayak. We lived that trip, didn't we? Like, really lived. Swam with dolphins, had whales just a few yards away, curious about our kayaks. Ordered room service without thinking of prices, walking down to see the flamingos.. or you watching me swim in the lagoon, and my being glad you were watching me, saying how pretty I swam. But ya know.. I also remember, without any pictures, our camping trips. That one where some of Dad's work friends all got together. Dad and you were so happy... we stayed up late, made camp stew and toasted marshmallows by the fire. Or remember when Dad would scratch on the camper pretending to be a bear? We lived then too. We lived a dream that many people can't even imagine. We were all so happy, even without money... just being together. I had no idea we were poor then.. we just seemed so wealthy..

I remember you talking to Grey Cat.. seemed like he was better company than me the last few years. It made me happy to think of you caring for him, not sure why. Maybe because I loved him so much. He loved you, almost as much as he loved me. Remember how you'd tell me to sing to him when he was at the back of the house, to try to get him to come climb up into my lap? I think his favorite song was Amazing Grace, however he's still very fond of Think of Me.

I think you'd be proud of me, I've paid all my bills, and have a lot of money in the bank, paid off my credit card and paid a month ahead on my college loans.. and I'm loaning Web $700/$800. It's weird, a year ago, we were borrowing money from him to pay the bills, it feels good to be able to have it reversed after he did so much for us. It's weird, I still don't see my money as MY money.. so many years of us sharing everything we had, my always saying my money was your money, it still feels like your money. So I think it's like you giving back to Web, which I know you'd always wanted to do.

Anywho... I need to get to bed, it's been a busy week. I love you Mom.

Dear Mom,

I love you. If you were here, I'd bake you another Carrot Cake... like I did last year. But I really can't muster the energy to bake one for myself, besides I don't need the fat/calories. I saw a hydrangea at walmart last week, and had this impulse to buy it for you. I had planned to buy it and plant it for you, but I didn't. Maybe I'll do that tomorrow.

Allan and Cyndi found out they were going to have a baby in February, but she lost it about 3 weeks after we found out. Robert had a hard time with that at first. He was so happy at the prospect of having a baby brother or sister. If it was a girl, he wanted to name her Mary, after you. I know it's bad.. but I was a bit sad when I found out them having a baby, it seemed unfair for you to have a grandchild that you'll never meet. I guess, you met him/her after all.

I've been taking care of Web's dog Abby. It's a Great Dane, about 10 months old now. She's been with me since he got her. Someone gave her to him, they were in a small apartment and she was way too large @ 6 mo. old to keep. She's beautiful, sleeps outside my bedroom door and makes me feel a little safer. But when I come in from work, she stays on my bed till I'm ready to sleep. She's a big baby really.. a gentle giant. It'll be sad when he finishes building and takes her with him. Ohhh yes, Web's building his house on the land you'd given him. They started last month, the basement is dug and they're about to lay the foundation. I think he cut down too many of the trees *even that Dogwood you and I had put a ribbon on to make sure it didn't get touched*. I know you'd have been annoyed by it, but I'll help him plant some more.

Speaking of trees... I renewed the Arbor Day membership you gave me a few years ago. They're sending me 10 Red Buds to plant, I'll give some to Web. Also, for Robert's birthday, I bought him a membership, with an encylopedia on trees, so he can learn about all the trees you'd tell him about.

I've not had the time to take care of your garden yet... It seems like such a big job and I've no clue what to do... I'll try and deal with the weeds at least. The tree/bush plant by the power pole is beautiful and full of blooms. Wish I could remember what it's called. I need to trim down the yellow honeysuckle plant for sure, starting to overtake part of the lower garden.

Jeff's ok I think. He lost his job a month or 2 ago, I'm not entirely sure why, but he's supposedly found a new one to start next week. I think there's more going on with him, but I just don't have the energy to figure it out. I offered him $20/week if he'd pick up my trash and take it to the dump, since he has the pick up and I don't like loading trash in my car. Also  paying the cell phone bill for him till he gets back on his feet to try to help out.

I'm saving up to have the flooring redone. I know how you hated the carpet, I do too really. So it'll be nice to have hard flooring down. Easier to keep clean and should help cut down on the dust. I've already bough a few pretty rugs I found on sale. I think you'd be pleased.

Amy... well she's Amy.. She's accusing some drug dealers she was having a 3 day drug party with of "abusing/raping" her. All she remember was taking lots of drugs, and having bruising under her clothing and some pain when she woke up. But she won't press charges. Also she admits to sleeping with someone else the day after it happened. Also, also... I think she'd been having sexual relationships with one or both of the drug  guys prior. So who knows. I think she was more upset they took her money... which was probably to pay for the drugs she was taking. I've sorta written her off now.

Madison and Morgan are great. Madison won 1st place in some scholastic contest, and went to State competition, however she placed 8/11 at State. I was still very proud of her. She also got straight A's this report card. Morgan got one C but the rest A's and B's. I'm not sure what happened on the C. Robert got an A in citizenship too! Who'd have expected that? The teacher told him she thought she saw something special in him, despite some poor recent behavior.. and gave him an A. He was very proud of that.

I'm trying very hard to keep doing the things I'm supposed to do. I've got money in the bank, after paying bills.. and I won a Wii at work last week. But I still am not happy or content with anything. I'm just following motions. But I keep trying, in hopes it'll be for something some day. Lately, it just seems like it's always going to be this way. That prospect is pretty bleak to say the least. I'm sorry I won't make it out to the cemetary today, Web's going out there now, I just want to stay home today.. be surrounded by you.

I love you, Mom. And I miss you more than words can ever describe. Happy Morther's Day.

The Circle...

The day before yesterday I found out that my sister in law is going to have a baby. She's about 2 - 4 weeks along so far, totally unplanned. My brother, nephew and sis in law are all so happy. I am too.. I am.. I just feel.. dunno... separated from it. It's like bitter sweet happiness that I can't think about for long or it'll make me cry. My mom and I had talked about them having a baby over the last few years... I think, even a few weeks before she died. How we both wished there was another baby in the family. Generated the what if game:  "what if I married this asian guy I liked... it'd be the first babies in the family not to be blonde and blue eyed most likely"... and how cute asian and asian mixed children are. And I would think about my what if baby, and how it'd have to spend time with my mom and learn the things I was too stubborn to learn. Then I have flashes of memories of mom holding my nephew and nieces and playing with them and looking so incredibly happy. And how I wish I had those memories of her with my what if babies. I also can't help but mourn the fact this new life will never get to know my mom.. all of us, her children and grandchildren alike were shaped by my mom. Everyone loved her more than can be described... but this one child will never have that and that's just so damn sad.

Anywho... the circle goes on.. one dies.. another's born... memories are lost... so hard to try to remember everything, I feel like keep losing things.. important things that I need to remember for my what if child.

Nothing New...

I'm sorry I've not posted, it's been busy and.. I just don't have anything that great to post about. I'm still here.... is all I can think of. I play WoW to pass the time and forget, and I work to think about other things. The time in between I try to sleep. That's everything in a nut shell.

Hope life is treating you well, and that you all had a nice holiday with your loved ones. Sad part is, I'm sure over half the people read this, have no true appreciation for how very special every moment of that holiday was. And for the few who do, you truely did have a wonderful holiday.

Now it's time to sleep. Gnight.

Still Here.

Some days I have no clue how I can keep going in the years to come. It's not a money thing now.. I have a pay check, it pays the bills.. for now at least. I have a nice car, nicer than anything I've ever had before. I have made a few real life friends at work, one girl even asked me to go shoot pool with her. Though I made an excuse.. I really don't feel like going out now that I'm working. I'm tired. My immediate boss is awesome, the General Manager for our division is one of the nicest people I've ever met... the job isn't stressful yet or anything. But, ever single day I drive home from work.. I end up sobbing most of the way. Tuesday night, I had my lunch break at 7:30pm .. and I thought for just an instant, hey it's after 7 I get free minutes on my cell, I'll call mom to tell her about my day so far and see what she's having for dinner. It's the first time in weeks I've had a slip up like that. Saturday, on my way to work, I took a short cut.. it's a lil windy road.. I passed an accident and a car was flipped over on it's roof, the same fireman were there that were at my mom's accident.. the same lights.. etc. Didn't look like anyone was hurt, but I started to cry and felt like I was going to throw up for a good 15 minutes.

I'm trying so hard not to imagine into the future anymore, because that's when everything feels the most hopeless.. the most bleak. My future, as I see it now, is so completely empty and alone. And I try to reassure myself that will change.. but I really can't see how that could happen. So I try to focus on the present, never the past. Maybe the next day, but nothing beyond that. I guess, that's how it's supposed to be right now, but the future has always been my happy place. Something that would hold the "better me" who was doing everything she was supposed to do. The place I'd be able to do anything I wanted, and all the things I wanted had always included my mom.

Anyway.. as sad as all the above sounds. I'm doing ok I suppose. I'm working, I'm paying the bills and I'm living. It's more than many people have.

I still do think my cat can see my mom. He.. just acts strange sometimes, looking at something I can't see.. playing like he's a kitten.. it brings me comfort.  I dreamt about her again,  the first dream I had, I guess it felt like it was just a dream.. this one, felt like it was really her. She smiled at me and told me she loved me and that I'd be ok, I'm pretty sure I told her I was sorry a few times, I don't recall now. I asked her to come into my room to talk with me. I guess my dreaming self was thinking if it's really her, and I ask her to come into my room in my dream, she'd come into my room in real life and be standing over me as I slept. I dunno.. but I slept soundly and didn't wake up till my alarm went off... it was a nice sleep.

Anywho.. hope you're all well and happy and with someone you love.