| | I've been sick all week. My eyes randomly well up with tears, so I feel like I've always just finished crying. That's actually a pretty nice feeling, I must admit, the feeling you get right after crying. (I shouldn't admit that because I'm a dude and, for the moment, not gay.) It feels really cleansing, like you've worked all the crap out of your system and now you can just move on. This happens several times a day for me.
Okay, so I was up late last night, unable to sleep, thinking about relationships and so forth. The ones in high school, the ones I thought I left behind last month. And sometimes I feel like I haven't done enough for people. Like, we get so wrapped up in ourselves. (This is why we write blogs. Last week Adrienne called Xanga a "show of vanity" and I admit she's right.) I have no time for other people, I feel like, because I'm too busy with my own little OCD problems. Two years ago Laura said "you have to love yourself before you can love others" and I've never forgotten it because it's so true. I see - I saw people around school who said they were in love and I don't believe that because they may not love themselves. The only reason they walk around holding hands or make out in the halls is because they don't want to look bad. (I never had a lot of girlfriends, or made a show of it . . . so people said I was gay, or at least, "iffy." They do notice.)
But over the last year I'd like to think I've started to become happier with myself (and discovered that everyone around me seems to be incredibly insecure, which was pretty comforting) and I guess that puts me at a place where I can finally start caring about other people. There are so many people I might never see again after this summer, and I really need to stay in touch with them, at least for the next two months. That's a hassle, because in my still-insecurity, I wonder what other people are thinking, or how they react to what I say or do to them . . . that's where we get fucked over to begin with, when we start to think about that. I don't think it's worth it anymore. I mean, worrying about that. After senior year all the people you've ever known your whole life while you live here will be gone. What do you do then? It's not all about you. You'll miss people. I can't believe it, but I miss people. I sorely miss everyone.
You are - I am - a part of something bigger than we'll ever be able to understand. Our business is nothing on a grand scale. Why press over it? (Is anyone listening to me, even? Not that I care . . .but I like to know people are listening. I'm such a hypocrite. That's the other thing we are. Insecure and hypocrites. Get used to it, I guess.) |
Laur
