| My computer is being really gay with pictures lately, so none today.
But I need to rant.
Ok, so Thursday night I went to this little party that my friend was having. He really wanted me to be there. I've like him for awhile. Well, turns out, he's liked me for awhile too. So, he convinces me to stay the night and we end of sleeping in his little cousin's racec car bed for the night. Don't worry, we didn't corrupt the kids bed by having sex, but things did get a little hot and heavy after we laid there and talked after like, an hour. Well, as gay as this sounds, I loved being in his arms. It was so comfortable. I mean, I've laid in bed with other guys, but it wasn't the same feeling. It felt like something wasn't right all those other times.
Anyways, after a restless night in that tiny bed, we woke up and just laid there for almost 2 hours. He got up and took a shower because I was taking him to work. When I dropped him off at work, he kissed me goodbye and all that cute stuff.
Well, he had to work Friday night so I knew we wouldn't be hanging out. But on Saturday I was getting ready to go to graduation parties when he called. He asked if we could talk and my stomach dropped. But it's not that bad! Keep reading, it's really sweet.
Ok, so back to Thursday in the race car bed. We talked about all kinds of stuff. He told me that his family was having a lot of problems and he didn't know how to deal with it. His family is why he is always over at his cousin's house because that's the only way he can escape it all. His parents got married right out of high school because his mom got pregnent with him right before school got out. Now, 18 years and 2 other kids later, his parents are not happy. They fight all the time. And most nights, his mom doesn't even come home. I told him he couldn't blame himself for what was going on. He wasn't the problem. They were just doing what they thought was right. I felt so sad when he told me everything.
Back to the conversation on Saturday. He asked if we were together and I didn't really have an answer because I didn't know. I wanted to be, but I didn't want to say yes and have him say we weren't. But anyways, here's basically what he said, "Grace, I really really like you. And I really want to be with you. But right now, with everything that's going on with my family, I don't think I could treat you the way you deserve. You are such an amazing person. I think we could really make it in the long run. My family turns me into such a dick and I don't want to risk treating you like shit because that is the last thing I want to do. I feel bad about letting everything happen the other night because now I'm saying we can't be together right now. I just don't want to run the risk of ruining what we have. I'm not asking you to wait forever, but I would love it if you would trust me on this and wait for the time when I can be the guy you deserve."
Yes, that totally sucks, but really, how can I be mad at him? He was so sincere and sounded so regretful, but he's only looking out for me. Yeah, I want to be with him right now, but I'm ok with playing the supportive role for right now. I don't know how long I'll wait, but I'm willing to do so for the time being. But wait, it gets shittier on my part!
My grandpa is suffering from alzheimers. I am the only grandchild that he doens't remember. It's really hard to deal with. I can't go to family functions now without pretending I'm a friend of one of my many cousins. The first time I learned that he didn't know me anymore was at Christmas. I tried to hug him goodbye and he pushed me away and told me he doesn't hug strangers. All the pictures of me at my grandparents house have been taken down. I don't exist to him anymore. But recently I called their house and he answered. I asked to speak to my grandmother, which I called by name and not 'grandma'. He had no idea who she was. I said, "Well, may I speak to the woman that lives in the house with you?" and he said, "I think that woman is trying to kill me. I think he drove away my wife so she could do something to me." I just hung up the phone because I started to cry.
Now, Kodey, the boy, doesn't know about any of this stuff concerning my grandpa. I start crying everytime I say something about it, and I hate crying in general, especially when you start crying one someone. But with this recent incident, I really need to talk to someone and he's the only person I really trust. But I just feel shitty about talking about my problems when his family is falling apart. I don't know what to do.
Advice?
Comments?
Let me know. |
