Humbled Anew

I often wonder,
I so often muse,
After I blunder
And my way thus lose,
Or "My will!" thunder
And Thy love abuse,
How Thou doth show me
Exactly where and
How I so failed Thee:
A touch from Thy hand
Bends my stubborn knee,
Shows me chilish, and
Doth wholly suffice
To melt my hard heart
And make me realize
Just how great Thou art.

© Andrew J. Goggans 2008

Currently Reading Three by Annie Dillard: The Writing Life, An American Childhood, Pilgrim at Tinker Creek By Annie Dillard see related

Spring is Coming

    I apologize to whatever readers I have for my dreadful lack of writing lately.  Life circumstances have conspired against me to leave me with little time for writing and this means that though I have been writing there has been little visible fruit.  I have been working on some of my stories (they aren’t ready for the light of day yet) and a rather lengthy blog entry on the course of my relationship with Melanie to share some of the lessons I have learned, blessings I have received, and to answer all of the questions people have had about our betrothal.  So despite whatever craziness or daily drudgery I may face in the next few weeks I promise the new post, and perhaps eventually the stories, will be presented for you.

    I must say though that my life has been quite good of late.  I had a good summer, an amazing trip to spend time with my girl and her family in Slovakia, I have my money for school, I have a good job I can work half time during the semester, I have housemates, and I have good friends and family.  God is good.

    On the other hand my immediate and extended family could use a lot of prayer right now.  I shan’t go into all the details now but your spiritual support will be felt and greatly appreciated  because sometimes in life you have no idea what is going on, sometimes you have absolutely no clue what God is doing or why.  At times like these I often fall back on one simple phrase.

    “Aslan is On the Move!”

    It is repeated amongst my family and friends as an encouragement, a rally cry, a prayer and a benediction, almost as if it were a magic spell.  This simple set of five paltry words, never fails to inspire in my body and soul a profound effect, but rather than trying to explain it to you myself I shall give you the words of the one who coined the phrase.

    ‘Here the Beaver’s voice sank into silence and (…) it added in a low whisper-  “They say Aslan is on the move (…) the moment the Beaver had spoken these words everyone felt quite different.  Perhaps it has sometimes happened to you in a dream that someone says something which you don’t understand but in the dream it feels as if it had some enormous meaning—either a terrifying one which turns the whole dream into a nightmare or else a lovely meaning to lovely to put into words, that makes the dream so beautiful you remember it all your life and are always wishing you could get into that dream again.  It was like that now (…) At the name of Aslan each one of the children felt something jump in its inside.  Edmund felt a sensation of mysterious horror.  Peter felt suddenly brave and adventurous.  Susan felt as if some delicious smell or some delightful strain of music had just floated by her.  And Lucy got the feel you have when you wake up in the morning and realize that it is the beginning of the holidays or the beginning of summer.’

    So when the world looks bleak, and hope seems dim, take up the cry “Aslan is on the move!”  Remind yourself and all around not to lose heart because: “It’s no good, Son of Adam, (…) no good your trying, of all people.  But now that Aslan is on the move (…) He’ll settle (things) all right (…)

        Wrong will be right, when Aslan comes in sight,
        At the sound of His roar, sorrows will be no more,
        When He bares His teeth, winter meets its death,
        And when he shakes his mane, we shall have spring
                                                                                    again!

     “You’ll understand when you see Him.”

To the King!

Brokenness

Aslan spoke to me today.

    "If you desire, oh Son of Adam, to see how true your lineage runs, and how aptly that name befits you, then find yourself a wife.  Your wretched state will soon become painfully clear when you yourself bring her sorrow and pain, as you hurt the woman you love through your selfishness and pride."

    I understand my dad so much better these days.

    What's that quote from Lewis?  It's either in Out of the Silent planet or Paralandra that Malacandra or Peralandra her self says something along the lines of:  "If, oh little one, we thought even the highest and purest of your thoughts our lights would be extinguished."

    I'm starting to see that we're all screwed up, far more than we like to admit.  Or  perhaps more accurately, far more than we even realize.

    Thank you Dad, for always setting a good example.  For doing so much right, and letting me see you learn and grow and make things right when you failed.

Currently Listening Eyes Open By Snow Patrol Chasing Cars see related

I AM DONE!!!

    Having finished my last test about two hours ago I am officially done with this semester!  Hooray!

    I am so glad it all over, it's been a really hellacious semester, but y'know what's weird?  I can sit here, and look back on it, and honestly say it was a good semester, hard as hades, but good.  I've been pushed, and pulled, and broken eight ways from Sunday this semester, and I have failed to live up to the pressures and responsibilities like I should have.  I have failed my professors, my friends and family, and my girlfriend.

    But I've also learned so much.  When I look back on my actions I can see where I chose wrong, or allowed exhaustion to breed confusion, apathy, and selfishness.  I can see where I failed to help my girlfriend, where I was selfish or failed to lead and plan well enough in our relationship; to keep my actions, or inactions, from causing her extra stress, where I put unnecessary pressures on her because of my selfishness or laziness.

    At the same time though I feel like I can honestly say I did my best, I fought so hard this semester, it just wasn't good enough.  It never is, and never will be.  It is by His grace and strength alone that we make it through this life.  I cannot speak in words what He has done for me this semester.  How He has forced me to rely on Him even more fully.  How he has blessed me through friends and family, and through Melanie.  So many times when I was completely drained after sickness and/or ministering to family and friends she was there to minister to me.  I don't think I would have survived this semester if it weren't for her.  Not that I would have committed suicide, I would never do that, but I think I would have been such an emotional and physical wreck I would have had to drop out of college.

    Perhaps I overstep my bounds.  I will not say God could not have gotten me through it all, just Him and me, but I am inexpressibly thankful that He brought Melanie into my life.  Even the extra stress of caring for her while she has been sick has been a blessing: to minister to her and meet her needs has been such a joy.  Caring for her has become my greatest source of pleasure and satisfaction.

    Y’know what else?  I’ve learned a ton academically too.  The combination of taking Western Civ II and Brit Lit II at the same time provided me an even deeper sense of the details of history and the gradual flow of it, of the story of the western humanity, of his growth and development.  My grasp of history was already deep enough that I never bought or read our textbook and I’ll have an A or B in the class, but I’ve immensely enjoyed seeing more clearly how the events affected the philosophers and writers, and how the philosophers and writers affected the events.

   If it’s any sign of what I’ve learned in Advanced Grammar this semester, or any consolation to Dr. Impson, the moment I got on here to type this out I saw how atrociously written my last post was (that’s what I get for writing when exhausted), and became so OCD, I had to fix it right then.

(On a personal note: Dr. Impson, I was parsing sentences in my sleep last night!)

    Now begins the summer.  This week I will be clearing house, washing clothes, paying bills, seeing returning friends, and saying goodbye to those that are leaving.  On Monday I leave for NJ for a week.  First I’m taking Mel to meet my Aunt Debbie and my Mimi, and I get to meet her immediate and extended family at her sister’s wedding.  On the 19^th we return to Chattanooga long enough to repack and fly to Slovakia.  I shall return by the 1^st of June for family vacation, and some much needed sleep.

    And then I shall spend the rest of the summer working my tail off because despite how hard I’ve worked this semester it still won’t fall off….maybe I should talk to a doctor about it…