Busy, busy, busy.
I knew this academic year would be like this, I just couldn't really prepare myself for it. I'm working everyday, I have 17 credits and it feels like I'm constantly moving form very early to late in the day. There's always something to do with few breaks in between. Still, I've been quite productive, especially lately and so far it's paying off. I hope I can keep up this motivation and continue to get everything accomplished on time.

Homecoming is this week and I'm only excited for one reason: friends. Friends I haven't seen since last semester are coming up to visit and that is what will make this weekend a blast. I've been to parties before, and sadly, the "afterjam" is not my scene anymore. Its served its purpose for me, and now I no longer have any use for it. It's a different vibe here now and I just think I've outgrown it. I'm closing in on another transition period, changing with time as we inevitably all do, and I guess Im searching for something else, it won't be found in the Lane Center though, lol!

I hope I did well on my art history exam. I'll probably get the exam back tomorrow; my professor's pretty efficient with grading, so then I'll know for sure. I need a nap before I go painting for three + hours. Love and Peace :)

Exhaustion...
It can be mental, physical, emotional or a combination.
I have all three. (Lucky me :P)

I'm physically exhausted because for the past week and a half I've been running on nearly empty, but doing an exorbitant amount of work and running around. The new job takes up what used to be my "renew and afternoon nap" time. I'm on the go, damn near constantly from 7 or 8 in the morning until 7:45pm or 9:45pm. After I get home I have to do more school work and go to bed at a reasonable hour, because it's pretty much the same thing every day, (with slight variations) except for Fridays (thank the Lord). Fridays are short days, which I should use to my benefit and try to get a lo of work done. I have to spend a lot of time in the painting studio and paint, the darkroom to develop film and pictures, and the print room to make what else but prints. I need to study for art history, practice karate, keep up with my measurement lab and with my world music class. All of this wouldn't be so much of a problem if I didn't feel so completely drained already. It's the beginning of the freaking semester! I mean seriously, it hasn't even been a whole two weeks and I desperately want to get away.

More so than the exhaustion, the stress is what's really bothering me.
There's a lot of pressure on me to do a lot. I need about fifteen more paintings, good ones, and about ten prints, great ones, before core review takes place. I started working on a painting today and my style tends to lean more towards anime, because that's what I like and I like incorporating it into my own style of drawing/painting. My teacher/advisor informed me that anime is frowned upon within the department because they think it's draw-as-you-see kind of thing, like being told how to draw mickey mouse. They don't think it's creative and original enough. Most of my ideas tend to lead to a more anime/fantasy/gothic twist type style. The characters are my own, they are original. But how do you get that across people who already have a set mind frame and hold my grade within their grasp? I don't like to paint realistically, it's a waste of time, just take a photograph. That's not me. It's the same thing with printmaking. My professor wants you to be creative, but his way. That's not true creativity... *sigh* I don't know, I don't know... I don't want to think about anymore, but I don't know how to make them understand.
I can't afford to fail. I can't be here any longer at all, I refuse to be here. I will graduate May Spring 2009. What am I supposed to do? Do I compromise my art? My style nor skill has elevated to a point where I could even ... dammit...

... ... .... ................... *sigh*... ........ ..... ... ... ... ... ..... .... .. . . . ... .


I'll just continue to pray and hope that everything works out the way it's supposed to. Tomorrow is coming entirely too fast...

The start of this semester was financially and otherwise stressful, but everything worked itself out. Once again I found myself thanking the Lord for working such miracles within my life, as He's prone to do from time to time (for which I'm immensely thankful and appreciative).

Anyways, after we once again had power, and I had money to pay my rent and tuition, classes started. The beginning week of school there's a "welcome back" little shindig and you're excited to see all of the people you haven't seen in awhile (the summer time). Almost everyone on campus is new. It's like I'm the last of a dying breed, hahaha! Most of the people I knew or know have graduated or are graduating (like me). This is my last year and I feel it in every single way. The "I remember when" stories and how things used to be, going over syllabi(?) and class procedures (things I've heard a million times and have memorized by now), even the way certain professors teach and talk, etc. Nothing's new. It's like everything's winding up to stop, and then it'll be the start of something so completely different and foreign to me. Nothing will be familiar or the same. It'll be the first day of the adult me, the future me, the me that will take the school, adolescent me and the college, trying to be independent me, and turn it into the me that will be working, with a (hopefully) steady and good paying job. This is the me that will bridge the gap between now and the family me. I have a lot of years to go before I want to settle down. After college, it'll be that me that gets a job, explores the world, sees what's out there, and hopefully find more direction.

I was talking to one of my guy friends today and he asked me what I was in school for. I replied with my major. He explained that he didn't want to know my major, but what I wanted to do with my life, what was college being a steeping stone for? What would it help me achieve? It took a few moments to coherently put into words what I wanted. What I want in the long run is to have my own gallery/museum and create whatever art is within me to create. In order to get to that place I have to start off from somewhere; not scratch because that's what college is for, but still rather close to the bottom. that conversation made me realize I need more sufficient plans. Something to get me from college to gallery owner, because that's a mighty impressive leap, it cannot be done overnight, and I need a guide to get me to my end results. Actually, I had been putting off answering that question myself because I didn't want to face the reality of growing up. That I may have to compromise myself and my art to get the end results I so long for.

When I create art, it's what I like and what I want it to be. I don't create for anyone else but myself. That's very selfish of me, but it's how I am as an artist. I find some art projects difficult because they give you specific things they want. If you work for a client, it would have to be what s/he wanted. I want to make my art, my way and if people like it they're welcome to buy it and appreciate it, if not then so be it (this is why I need a steady job - plus art supplies cost a fortune). That's not a very realistic way to do art though until you have your own gallery and what have you. Starting at scratch I may have to do what others' like, what pleases a client. I guess that's what life is all about though, give and take, self-sacrifice and for the greater good type stuff. At least now I feel better about the whole situation of post-graduation (even though I still haven't actually graduated yet, I have a year to go but I know I'll make it, I have to). Now I have a (somewhat tentative) plan or direction. Find work in a gallery or museum as an assistant or curator, make contacts and submit my art when I can, travel and see different art festivals, network as much as possible, and then eventually (who knows?) I'll have my dreams fulfilled and have my own gallery.

It's crazy though, because I don't really want any fame. I don't need people to remember my name or anything, and I honestly don't want or need to be filthy rich (I'd simply like to be comfortable, be able to take a few yearly vacations and have a nice home by the ocean or sea), I want people to like what I do, to appreciate my art and like it. Right now my stuff is mainly fantasy/anime styled, but the concepts are relatable to everyone really. We'll see what happens, only time will tell... but I am excited to see the end results. :)