Not going to talk about girls or relationship this time...just some thoughts that's flowing through my mind right now.

-I realized I have extended patience when I am at work to read loooong xanga entry because quite frankly…I am bored out of my mind doing IT stuffs.

-starting to wonder what’s the point of going to the gym and workout…I was 117lbs 10 yrs ago and I am a 123lbs now…no one looks at my six-packs beside the dudes in the locker-room so who cares? It’s hard work maintaining it…

-why do I always get hit on by guys instead of girls….darn it!

-I always wanted to watch the sunset or sunrise from the peak of a mountain high…I think it would change my view on life.

-starting to develop a taste for classical music which is absurd because I never had an appetite for it unless I am in a dying need for sleep…does this mean I am getting old?? (if anyone is interested, I STRONGLY recommend this Japanese drama “Nodame Cantabile” it’s really REALLY good. The setting is at a musical school and the students there.)

-I don’t need to live forever on earth…I just don’t want to grow old….

-most people when they see a baby on the train or buses they would smile or start making faces at the baby…me, I like to stare at the baby and time how long does it take before the baby look away.

-I LOVE the sound of piano even though I don’t know how to play and I am definitely going to have my kids take piano lessons when I have kids…I just hope they will share the same enthusiasm as I do. I think it would be more appealing if I give them a choice… ”100 pushups today or piano lesson? Which is it?”

-why is it harder to go eat at a nice restaurant by yourself than it is going to regular restaurant like perhaps a diner or something by yourself?

-It’s nice to have the flexibility to set your own schedule without having to arrange it around someone else’s and do what you want to do…but at the end of the day…you get a little tired of just being by yourself…I just wonder why do I feel this way when I know so many people?

It has been 6 years since I last been to Hong Kong. Most of my relatives live there including my grandma and I visited HK again last week to say goodbye to my grandma for the last time before she was cremated. I got a call two weeks ago on a Saturday morning at 6am…at first I thought it was my alarm going off and still half asleep I was going to ignore it but then I saw it was an unknown number calling. It was my aunt from Hong Kong…I had never received a call from any of my relatives on my cellphone before…they usually only call my parents’ cell so in my mind I was going “no…don’t say it…no God no…” but by the sobbing voice coming from the other end I knew I went out of time…that I shouldn’t have procrastinated when I have the chance. Grandma has passed away. After I hung up the phone I just sat there on my bed hugging my knees for a good half hour just staring at the ceiling…didn’t really know what to think…there was no tear…no pain in the chest…actually I kind of feel ashamed for not having these emotions…I mean ain’t you supposed to cry when someone close to you died? I don’t even know if I felt sadness at that time…I like to think there was sadness in my heart soon after I heard the news, but it felt more closely to blankness. Once I collected myself I drove to my parents’ place to deliver the bad news.

Out of all my siblings, I spend the most time with grandma…mostly because she helped raise me the most and I got beat by her the most…and the routine usually goes like this…my grandma would take me to places…I would break things…she would yell and beat me afterward and repeat. I think I definitely gave her a hard time especially during the time when we first immigrated to the State…I was going into my teen and was becoming more rebellious than ever and she would beat me with a broom stick…an upgrade from the typical clothes hanger and the feather duster, but then she would always cook what I like to eat for dinner…sort of to make up for breaking the countless broom sticks on me. Good thing I came to my senses once I got into HS and realized how good my grandma was to us and that I hardly appreciate it when I was younger, so then whenever my grandma came to visit us in the US (which wasn’t that frequent) I would talk to her more and spend more time with her…she liked to drink soda and we never had any in our house so every now and then I would buy a can of soda and sat with her and watch her drink the whole thing and listen to her…most of the time she would tear up talking about some sad family stuffs and I would try to comfort her…I wish I could have spend more time with her.

I was supposed to go back to visit my grandma at the beginning of this year with my dad after learning the news that grandma wasn’t doing too well. I was busy at work so I thought that once things slow down a little I would go…then my dad came back and said that grandma was getting better so I felt relieved and thought I have time…so the plan of going before summer turned into going before the end of the year…I took advantage of thinking there is always tomorrow when in fact who really know there is a tomorrow for all of us? Due to fear, lack of courage, or just plain laziness I toss aside opportunities I should have taken today and leave it for tomorrow because of the illusion that there’s always a second chance when that is not true.

I missed my relatives in Hong Kong…maybe not all of them as much (a few of them are a real piece of work) but my cousins I missed the most and my aunt and my uncle too. They are the best and they are so much fun to be with…I feel so warm being with them even though we only saw each other twice in the last decade or so. My two 10 yrs old cousins are so cute and clever…makes me want to teach them how to play guitar or tutor them in genetic (the little bit that I know). My other two younger cousins are so sweet and fun (Praise God, they're Christians too!) and I connect really well with them...one of my older cousins has a little girl that is just a giant ball of PURE energy while the other older cousin is a mature responsible adult. Ever since I came to the State since I was little the only large family gathering I been to was of my friend’s…always felt like an outsider despite their friendly effort. It’s definitely different being with your own family. It’s a wake up call for me…I don’t want to wait another 5 or 6 yrs before I see them again...I don’t want to look back and regret not spending enough time with them…not again with the regret. I want to do my best to part of their lives and have them to be part of my life despite the ocean between us.

I have found new strength through my time spent with my family in HK.

I don’t know how many times I had heard this already…”let’s be friend”. She really does have the sweetest smile ever and a personality that I really admire. We got together for lunch today and we “talked”. First I apologized to her if I was making her feel uncomfortable but she said no that I wasn’t making her feel uncomfortable.  Then I told her that I like her and she told me that she wants to be friend. (even though I kind of saw it coming…it still wasn’t easy to swallow) she said it’s not because of me (which I would like to believe but somehow I can’t help but feel maybe there was something I have done wrong…) but that she just got out of a long term relationship (which I know about) and is not ready to be close to anyone...that she would just shut down. I told her I understand and that I don’t want to push her for a relationship neither, but just want to tell her how I feel about her.

On one side it really hurts to hear “let’s be friend”…again, on the other hand I think I understand where she is coming from and she doesn’t hate me…so I guess I should be grateful. But I am getting tired of this…this roller coaster ride…having my hope goes up and down at 80mph is making me weary. Right now I just want to step away from the whole dating/relationship scene…I don’t want to like anyone right now. I think it’ll be good for me too…maybe if this friendship work out, there might still be hope for me if I wait for her.

Now I got to put up a front and keep a smile on even though I am being eaten alive in the inside cause we work together and if I look depressed then that’s going to affect her and make her feel bad…and I don’t want her to feel bad neither…ahhh…

*Edit
we are both putting on a mask...it's so dishonest...I hate it...