Ok so ive established i have some very big talking issues... In the sense where i dont talk about what needs to be talked about for fear of well saying what i feel needs to be said...well...incorrectly..or just not being takin seriously or even takin for that matter.... Most times people dont care enough about what i have to say to really listen an other times what i have to say is a bit to truthful and tends to upset people. Which is understandable...You see ive always been the talkative type....When i was little i used to get locked in the closet for talking to much.... So naturally i would grow up a bit reserved to the idea of well letting out my feelings... But ive been managing.... Anyway..... Well i try to talk about everything to well honestly who ever will listen to me... Though some times.... It can truely be hard to figure out who i can talk to an who i cant.... Guy wise i dont think i can realistically talk to any of my male friends just cause most of them if not all of them have nutted to my image....Which just doesnt work cause there only giving me an opinion that leads to well them... Like im really gonna be with a guy... Come on now lets be serious even my first fuckin kiss was with a girl but thats another story...(lol).... Anywho....my bestfriend has her own problems... so i tend not to talk to her as much as i should and for some reason i just feel like some times i cant talk to Angela(my fiancee'). Im to scared to upset her or stress her out in more ways than one.....Not always in a epilepsy way in a human being kinda way.... Well ive been pretty messed up lately... My schizophrenia has been getting worse to be honest... Not being on any medications have not been my best choice.... Lately more often than anything ive been seeing hands and faces on the edges of doors and windows.... In the bathroom and livingroom of my house i see a man an a young woman walking....I know its not real but i cant bring myself to stop seeing them....every little thing sets me off...my mood bounces all over the place... I just dont know what to do i mean im functioning off meds at that....Im just so depressed i wanna do nothing but well....die.... I had it all planned out too.... I was gonna kill myself Saturday when Angela went to work... My rent, cable, and electric are all payed giving everyone a month to decide whose gonna get what out of my stuff....Me having payed my share means that everyone has a month to figure out how all the bills are gonna be split between two ppl.....Etc...... I was thinking though maybe i'll leave it till after the wedding so that Angela can get my benefits when im gone..... Give myself some time to switch my bank account to give her my money when i die...I think i'll have to think this out further.... I just dont wanna do it to her i dont want her to have to go through the whole me being dead thing shes been through enough in her life....Its just so hard to want to be...alive.... an i dont know how to explain it but theres something really wrong with me...I just wanna know that some where some one is listening... Wants to know what i have to say for a change...

Well ive been thinking a bit lately about love.... Now a days everyone is quick to down play love and dont get me wrong i have my love dies shirt.... I know how that goes... Havent had to wear that shirt.... An i dont think i will but thats besides the point... You know that feeling.... When you first wake up... That first breath you take to welcome in the world..... Do you ever wake up and take that breath and think for that first split second that theres that chance that you get out of bed and your whole world goes straight to shit.... Just everything you know and love all down the drain.... You think to yourself,"Is it really gonna be that bad...Well lets get the ball rolling..."......Next thing you know your out of bed brusing your teeth.... See every morning you step out of your bed your taking a chance.... That chance that your whole world as you know it could fall to shit and you know it...But your willing to take that risk.... Love is the same way... Its like standing at the top of a cliff your toes just over the edge where you can wiggle them and feel the breeze kicking off of the rocks as the tide pulls in below... You stand there looking down over the edge, watching the water splash as the current gets stronger something inside you telling you to jump but natrually.....Your scared.... Scared to jump.... Scared your gonna miss the clear open water and land on the rocks.... Sometimes...I get scared too... scared even though im in the clear open water.. maybe just maybe the current might push me into the rocks..... 

           My fiancee is epilepic....Most people dont understand how i can be with her... How i handle her epilepcy..How i can manage without throwing myself into a wall.... But well when i was younger i used to help take care of disadvantaged kids......Children with disabilities.... There were 3 kids that specifically were in love with me.... 2 of which were mentally challenged and the other was an 8yr old boy....who just happened to be epileptic.... His seizures were always terrible to watch but i knew how to handle him when he had them.... See his seizures had caused him some brain damage...Which was y he was part of the program.... He had speech issues.... as well as others.... Around the time that i was working with this youth group.... I was raped and ended up getting pregnant.... Now I love children....Children and well animals but thats another story.... I felt like this baby was finally my way of doing something right...Saving somethings life...Giving something life... Someone that i could help grow.... Someone who could love me even when they didnt know me.... I was so happy.... I stopped smoking...Stopped...Alot of bad things i was doing.... I was just...I was glowing.... Never was so happy in my entire life.... November.6, 2004 i got sick....Real sick....i went to the hospital early in the day...got sent from school... I was bleeding....Alot....There was a tear in my uterus and the baby began to develope outside of my womb.... As i entered the hospital the corners of my vision became black..... I suppose i was begining to lose to much blood and my body just decided it was time to shut down.... Apparently during the time i blacked out i well...didnt really black out...i died....But my baby....My little miracle.... Was alive.... And they took that from me.... The one thing i ever did right for the world.... They took her.... She was three months and 2 days old when they took her from me... They removed my baby from my womb and mended the tear after managing to resuscitate me.... she died....three hours later....Its been years since that happened...When i lost my baby...I lost my faith in everything.... i quit my job working with the youth program and dated...a man....Thats how you know i was fucked up but besides the point.... Eventually i met Angela and well back to present day... Lately ive been thinking of how my baby issues have been the corner stone of everything thats happened to me since.... I wake up at night in cold sweats....crying.... trying to be as quiet as i can not to wake Angela up...Its not that im unhappy in my current situation.... Im anything but im anticipating nothing more than walking down that isle with her..... I simply feel stressed.... Theres just so much shit going on now a days its hard to keep....Angela's seizures.... My bestfriends prom...my 2 weddings....rent....cable....electric....and well work.... Its just frustrating.... Sometimes her epilepcy bothers me... Only because her seizures take so much out of her.... And the more she has the more i feel like shes pretending......pretending to be happy...to be in love... to be alive.... Sometimes i wonder if she knows im there.... Its like im there but im not there.... Almost like im there only for the moment and every other second im invisible.... But i know she doesnt do it on purpose.... Its just so much for her to handle that it draines her..... I understand that and i dont let it bother me to much....Cause i love her.....We can walk up a hill and my chest begin to get tight....feeling like im gonna collaps and everything....And if that very second she had a seizure and fell i would carry her home.... Cause at the end of the day  i want nothing more than her safety....Sometimes i wonder if i love her more because of having been through what ive been through and having dealt with what ive dealt with.... Most times though....im just glad shes here.... with me.... regardless of how im feeling.... or what i look like.... or what ever the case may be....Shes....here.....with me.....