Saturday, June 28, 2008

• Realizations - 6/26/08

  For the first time in a long time, I can truly say that I am happy. I'm on the right track. I'm where I want to be.
  Not physically.
  If it was my choice I'd be at school. Or even just at home.
  I like North Carolina a lot and being away this summer has done some awesome things for me. And by that I mean God has been doing some awesome things for me. Prayer, reading and studying scripture has given me a more positive attitude about everything.

  I was able to realize that I was placing a lot of unnecessary blame on Colin. The blame goes to Gabe. He cheated and that ruined me.
  I know. It sounds dramatic. But for a year I wondered all the time why aren't I good enough? Why aren't I enough? and honestly, that wasn't healthy. Why was I so devastated when Colin broke up with me? Because it tapped into my "not good enough" feelings.
  I hated myself. HATED. I had a deep passionate hate for me because I had been cheated on.
  And I thought I was over it. So I jumped into that relationship with Colin. And tried to be friends with Gabe. But every time I talked to Gabe, I would bring up the cheating. I would try to make it into a joke, but I was so bitter about it. And those bitter roots grew so deep. I rooted my bitter roots in Colin. In every boy after I found out about the cheating. I just wanted to feel good enough.
  I was obviously looking in the wrong place.

  When I realized I needed to invest my broken heart in Christ and not in boys, especially Colin. I was able to stop being bitter towards Colin and have an awesome friendship with him. I was able to let go of Gabe. To stop talking to him and to ask him to leave me alone when he tried being friends with me again.
  My heart is healing.
  I'm learning to love myself. Slowly.
  I'm becoming an overall better person and I love, love, love it.
  I actually apologized to someone the other day for being a bitch. That's not really something I do. I don't really believe that I was wrong in the situation, but she thought that I was being rude so the next day I apologized. She didn't care but I knew I'd done the right thing.

  More realizations have been made this summer. Some that I'm not so happy with. There's a boy that I was best friends with my senior year. The Jack to my Karen. I realized though, now that I've seen him for the first time in 10 months, that we aren't actually BEST friends, just... good friends. Jack and Karen aren't besties. They have a superficial relationship. They enjoy talking smack about people and making each other laugh. Don't get me wrong- friendships like those are so much fun. But if I don't feel like I can call you and talk to you for hours about nothing and everything and be serious with you, and if I don't feel like I can talk to you about the serious things going on in my life when I call you at 3 AM, I can't consider us best friends.

  Enough about boys.
  More later. :)

  • 11:59 AM
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