Why Do The Packages Always Feature Pictures of Babies?

Yesterday, my grandmother asked if I'd received her package yet.  I was mildly confused.  Usually she sends a check for my birthday.  Which is actually my preference right now, as I'm trying to scrape together enough money to pay my rent.  But I figured maybe it was something really cool.  Or something I could sell on e-Bay.

More confusing, though, is the fact that both my sister and my mother also asked if I'd received this package.  That was when I started getting alarmed.  I tried pressing my mother for details, figuring I could score off her relief that I wasn't drunk (it was only 8:00 when she called.  Even if I was drinking, I wouldn't have been drunk yet).  She said nothing aside from the fact that everyone was surprised by what she sent, and was wondering how I'd react.  Apparently, it was very un-Granny, but also something that only Granny could get away with.

So, I just got the package about 15 minutes ago.  It was big and poofy.  Kinda like she'd wrapped up a blanket.  Honestly, I thought that's what it might be, though I couldn't imagine what would inspire her to send me a blanket right before summer starts.  Chicago ain't that cold.

The package was a 24-pack of toilet paper.  With a note saying "I didn't want you to have to worry about the necessities" and a check that brings me a little closer to achieving my rent-paying dream.

I haven't bought toilet paper since moving into this apartment over a year ago.  First of all, I don't go through it very quickly - probably a roll a month.  Second of all, my sister bought some for me when she and her husband were visiting, because they basically ran through my modest supply in short order.  Then, appalled at how much toilet paper costs in Chicago, she sent me a 24-pack for Christmas when they got home.

I haven't even gotten to the 24-pack she sent yet.  Though I'll probably start on it before the end of this month.

I now have nearly 50 rolls of toilet paper in my studio apartment.  If I die tomorrow, people are going to be asking some questions. 

Sister: They'll just think you have a fetish.

Me: I don't!  Well, at least not that kind of fetish!

Maybe the local food pantry could use it.  No, you can't eat toilet paper, but I understand that organizations which assist the needy always have a shortage of toiletries (toothpaste, soap, etc).  Otherwise, I won't need to buy toilet paper till 2008 or so.

In other news, I would like to see a government (any one will do) enact legislation making it illegal for men to wear the color pink.  I hate pink.  I find it barely tolerable on women.  On men, it hurts my eyes... 

It burnss, preciousss!  It burnssss!