|
| So my life is so confusing. I feel lost. No matter what I do, nothing seems to fix itself like it has in the past. I know that I am probably just being overly dramatic, which I usually am, but it just sucks right now. I know things always fall into place and that eventually things will be as they should but sometimes its hard to wait for that time to come. I miss so many things. I miss Warrensburg, as crazy as that sounds, I miss my friends there and the good times I had there. I miss being with someone who meant the world to me. I miss having the feeling of being completely fulfilled and now I feel like the fulfillment I once had is drowning me and not allowing me any air. I miss having money and being able to afford my bills, I miss not having so much to worry about and deal with. I wish I could reverse time, I would change so much. I haven't written on this thing in forever and I'm sure no one even reads them anymore, but it is a good way to express things I've been bottling up inside. I used to talk about everything I felt, but now I feel like people don't want to hear it so I just hold it inside and let it build up. I'm sure one of these days I will have a break down or something. Oh well it happens to the best of us. Well I suppose that is all for now, maybe I will write soon, maybe I won't. | | |
| These DaysDirections:
1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.
IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time- Ying Yang Twins
HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
A Box Full of Sharp Objects- The Used
WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GIRL/GUY?
Ava Maria- David Bisbol
WHAT IS YOUR LIFES PURPOSE?
Time to Dance- Panic! At the Disco
WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Mix Tape- Avenue Q
WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Fall Line- Jack Johnson
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Lost in this Moment- Big and Rich
WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Stand by Me- Punk Covers
WHAT IS 2 + 2 =
A Favor House Atlantic- Coheed and Cambria
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Girl All th Bad Guys Want- Bowling for Soup
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Who Knew- Pink
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Angle's Son- Sevendust
WHAT SONG WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR WEDDING?
Loverboy- Dirty Dancing
WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Crazy Bitch
WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST??
When it Comes- Incubus
WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
From Time to Time- Rascal Flatts
WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
You Were Always on My Mind- Elvis Presley
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Sex and Candy- Marcy Playground
WHAT WILL YOU REPOST THIS AS?
These Days- Rascal Flatts
| | |
| I miss him. We love each other, that should be enough. I would do anything to be with him, why doesn't he know that. His daughter misses him, but not as much as I do. I love him so much, I hate this, why couldn't I just be his religion? It's not fair, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, forever. I love some of the aspects of his church, but I don't know if I love all of them, I'm so lost without him. He was the other half of me, and no one understands.
| | |
| I hate this. I feel so incomplete. All the good parts of me are gone, he took them with him. My heart has been broken so many times, that I feel like if I did meet someone new, there wouldn't be much left to give, I don't know if I will ever be able to give my whole heart to anyone again. You meet families everyday who have two parents with different religions and they are perfectly happy. Why couldn't that happen to me? I wanted to marry him, and be with him forever, no matter what. But it doesn't matter what I wanted, I had no say in this, and who am I to tell him what he's doing is wrong? If this is what he needs to do I should not stand in his way. I have always been supportive in anything he wanted to do and I know I have to be supportive now. It just sucks so much. I don't know I am going to go to sleep now, thats the only thing that makes me feel better.
| | |
| I Just Need to TalkMy life at the moment is harder than it has been in a long time. Why is it that when one thing goes wrong your whole world has to fall apart? I guess if one problem came at a time we as people would never understand how strong we really are. I am holding myself together as well as can be expected, but I won't pretend like I don't have days where I react in ways that won't help me in the long run.I'm human I make mistakes. I can't believe I spent a year of my life with someone and it is all over. I know that it is for the best, and when it happened I thought it was going to be so easy, and it was at first. It's so hard when someone is your best friend, and the person you go to with everything and spend so much time with and then in the blink of an eye it's over. It's so hard to comprehend. When something happens I pick up my phone and start to dial him, but I can't do that anymore. I can't even begin to explain how difficult it has been.
It was easier when I was talking to Ian. He has always been someone that I felt I could always go to, but he can't be expected to be there for me when he has bigger issues in his life. He needs to do what's best for him. I hope he knows that although I am selfish sometimes and I overreact A LOT I am still there and I can listen. I may not be able to help but I can listen.
Not only do I have relationship issues where I have no idea what I want, but I have so many other issues. I wrecked my car, and now I have to come up with $500 to fix it. I am driving a rental that I hate, I miss my car. I love my car. Coming up with money hasn't been the easiest thing either, because although I have a good job I am not getting very many hours. I am so broke and I am having to pick and choose what I can live without paycheck to paycheck.
The more I work at my job the more I realize how much I despise it. I have never dreaded going to any job, and this one has me hating that I have to work 5 days before I have to be there. But, I know it pays well, and they will reimburse me for school, and that's something that might be worth it.
When I had my accident I missed almost a week of school, and I haven't got back into the groove of going. I know I have to do good, so no more missed classes the rest of the semester no matter what.
I have started to notice that I don't have many friends, I used to have so many and I don't know what happened to them. I must have some fault that makes people steer away from me in all aspects of life. But I am grateful for those friends who have stuck by my side through everything, Lacey, Keith, Jen. Without you guys I don't know where I would be and I don't know if I tell you enough but I appreciate and love you more than you know.
My family is so messed up right now I don't even know what to think. My oldest brother hasn't talked to my mom and dad for over 6 months. Now my youngest brother refuses to talk to them too. I can't even begin to understand this. My parents love them so much and I just don't understand how you could turn your back on your family. Because regardless they will ALWAYS be your family. My middle brother is in Iraq, so it's like I'm an only child. I know it upsets my mom so much and there is nothing I can do to fix it. My whole life I have always tried to fix things and the older I get the more I realize there are some things that I will never be able to fix or change. I have gotten so close to my brother Chris since Steven has been gone and no matter what he won't listen to me about mom and dad.
There were so many times that I have thought people cared about me and I ended up being wrong. It's usually the people I let get the closest to me that hurt me the most. I need to realize everything in my life that has or is going wrong is my fault, I bring all of this on myself. I let my guard down in relationships and I get hurt, maybe I should just forget being happy and caring about others and just realize that my life isn't ever going to be a movie.
There are things that I have that I wouldn't trade for the world. Not everything is bad. I have parents and brothers who would do anything for me. And those above mentioned friends, well without them I would have given up a long time ago. My puppy, Lola, is fantastic,even when I'm so sad she makes me laugh, and no matter what she always loves me.
| | |
|
