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Wednesday, August 20, 2008

  • Clunk

    The scattered tea goes with the leaves and every day a sunset dies.
    -- William Faulkner

    i feel like a part of me died today.

    i can't really explain why...i had a not terrible day cuz i got to spend the last few hours with someone very cool, but after i dropped her off at home, i just felt....dead. i think it was something she said...or some things. at the time it didn't bother me...i was like no problem...that's fine...but now i just have this heavy numb feeling in my chest. that's not a feeling i've had in a while. and there's no reason for me to feel like this...i've been so ok with everything...up til tonite. i know i'm important to her...i know she cares about me...i think i went too fast tho. i should've waited...gone slower...maybe not even do it at all. yeah that would've been the right thing looking back at it...stupid thing is i knew it at the time too - i told myself not to. i thought this time would be different...this time it would matter...

    it never matters.

    i feel like what's the point? i love too much...and just like anything else, if you do it too much, it starts to hurt...and it does.

Friday, August 01, 2008

  • Sunrise

    Is it bright where you are
    Have the people changed
    Does it make you happy you're so strange
    -- Smashing Pumpkins "The Beginning is the End is the Beginning"

    did you ever meet someone who just left you speechless sometimes?

    i hung out with my friend today. she's very important to me...and i am to her...i'm not sure who is more important to who(m?). we spent the day just talking...and laughing...and remembering. she reminds me a lot of someone else i know because she never asks things about me - which i never really understood...until today. she said to me "i don't really care about your past - i care about who you are now."

    wow.

    i don't think i ever felt closer to anyone...ever...than that moment. it made sense to me...but it didn't at the same time.

    i mean it seems like the rest of the world is so hung up on where we came from, where we went to school, who we knew before, things we did or didn't do...and here's this wonderful, amazing person who cares about me just because i'm me...and doesn't even want to know about most of my past.

    is it just me, or is it like so rare to find someone like that?

    i now have two friends who care about me like this...and i get it...and i love both of them more than i can say.

    i hope i don't screw things up...


Wednesday, July 30, 2008

  • Empty

    did you ever wish you could delete certain parts of your life?

    i really do, despite the typical response of "every moment of your life defines who you are now"...i gotta believe getting rid of like 5 days of my life wouldn't affect my personality too much...i mean that's like 5 out of how many thousands of days i've lived?

    well, altho i can't delete my past, i can hide it on xanga...that's why if you're one to go back and read past entries from people, you'll find very little here. i didn't delete them, they're just on "private" mode, so if you really need to see an entry about something, let me know and i can dig it up.

    why did i do it? i guess i'm trying to move on...i'm serious about wanting to be a better person. i can't fix everything about me, but i can work on the big stuff...



  • Friend

    "Portrait of a Friend"

    I can't give solutions to all of life's problems, doubts, or fears.
    But I can listen to you, and together we will search for answers.

    I can't change your past with all it's heartache and pain,
    nor the future with its untold stories.
    But I can be there now when you need me to care.

    I can't keep your feet from stumbling.
    I can only offer my hand that you may grasp it and not fall.

    Your joys, triumphs, successes, and happiness are not mine;
    Yet I can share in your laughter.

    Your decisions in life are not mine to make, nor to judge;
    I can only support you, encourage you,
    and help you when you ask.

    I can't prevent you from falling away from friendship,
     from your values, from me.
    I can only pray for you, talk to you and wait for you.

    I can't give you boundaries which I have determined for you,
    But I can give you the room to change, room to grow,
    room to be yourself.

    I can't keep your heart from breaking and hurting,
    But I can cry with you and help you pick up the pieces
    and put them back in place.

    I can't tell you who you are.
    I can only love you and be your friend.

    --Unknown

    so...why the uncharacteristically bright, positive, hopeful poem?

    to quote another: "friends are awesome"




Saturday, March 22, 2008