Monday, April 14, 2008
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I learned something fairly interesting this past weekend: some people at my law school have been passing rumors about me being some kind of ho. I couldn't believe it: people actually know I exist?! That's amazing! No, it really is because I only have classes 3 days a week; I’m not in any student organizations; and I don’t go to school events. I am so unnoticeable that people have actually gone entire semesters without realizing I was even in their class. But I suppose that's expected since I tend to keep to myself whenever I'm at school--hence why after 3 years I've only made 4 or 5 friends (might have something to do with my "frigid b*tch" look--but I can't help that it's my normal face!).
Thus, there is no reason why I should have any reputation—but I do, and I have a theory why: I am too boring to actually be boring. It’s kind of like how some people react when they see happy couples: they’re too happy to actually be happy, and therefore they must be hiding some major drama. Similarly, my boringness is so extreme that it must be a façade I use to mask my true nature: ho-bag.
Naturally, I can’t help but feel a little irritated that some people think I'm slutty. I mean, come on now! That is so bland! I waited an insanely long time for my name to get into the rumor mill, and when I finally make it my reward is the completely unoriginal skank label? That sh*t is totally unacceptable!
I'm definitely not going to allow being relegated to a second-class citizen because I know I deserve way better than what I'm getting. Therefore! I will take matters into my own hands by infiltrating the gossip monger circles and planting juicy tidbits about myself. None of this sissy "she's a ho/slut/skank" bullsh*t! That stuff is for amateurs!
If people are going to gossip about me, it better be worth hearing. So my goal is to make sure that when anyone mentions my name, it is in regards to one of the following rumors:
I poop live abalone (which makes me the obvious key to world hunger).
Dane Cook’s sense of humor is hidden in my anus.
I had an orgy with the entire Xanga Team, Dikembe Mutombo, and an ear of corn.
By day I am a law school student; by night I am Chuck Norris.
I hold the world record for deadliest ass gas.
The guy who played Mr. Belvedere is not dead; I actually ate him (which I guess means he’s dead).
I am John’s secret love child.
Anything less and I will start beating some ass with my fist--and I mean the one hidden under my beard. Yeah, I'm that serious.
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Comments (63)
kick some ass. your third rumor idea made me laugh (because of Dikembe). hahaha
Seriously, though, how sad is it that it's almost 11:30 pm and I'm still awake? AND checking Xanga? And me with needing to get up before 8 am. Ugh. (and need to get 2 sleepy boys up and at 'em)
You are pretty damn funny!
can't wait to see u on perezhilton!
You mean you turned Mr. Belvedere to an abalone? :P
Aww now I need to visit that campus of yours and take matters into my own hands lol.
I thought one the rumors for sure would be that you're a man.
I like the Chuck Norris rumor the best. It's a good one because it's actually believable. If I didn't know any better, I'd think it was true!
No, Telly, only you can start that rumour because only you can be that ignorant, immature and chauvinistic.
I thought you are Heath Ledger's love child and you poop piping hot happy meals which is the solution to world peace =D.
lol- im sure now at least among the xanga community you will have some interesting rumors floating around you,
don't worry when i am at the most crowded of public places i will casually bring up what a how you had an orgy with the entire Xanga Team, Dikembe Mutombo, and an ear of corn, and how you made it so hot the ear of corn turned to popcorn. :D
Scary rumors, but I bet the truth is worse! Yikes.
lol you tell 'em! Gossip sucks. Too bad you got caught up in it.
I think the most believable rumor you can spread is that you hold the record for the most deadliest ass gas.
lol it's probably true, it's always the quiet ones u gotta watch out for....them sneaky ones!
"C-C-Chuck Norris? All this time, it's been you???"
dang...that's pretty lame that those fellow students haven't gotten out of high school yet. i was wondering where dikembe got that finger wag.
That's damn right, go big or go home!
I don't think I even know what abalone is. I'm usually up to try anything at least once, but I think I'll pass on your ass-food.
Actually, word around here's been spreading that you aren't actually one woman, but rather a midget standing on another's shoulders in a costume. I think that warrants an investigation.
what kind of law students are they for them to come up with that? maybe you could be hulk hogan's secret love child, lol.
ryc: it took absolute talent. i actually have no idea. i figured since my jeans weren't ripped that neither my underwear nor my hip would be shredded.