again.

and i pushed myself rly rly hard yesterday.

today i did shittastic. so im probly gonna be 118 in the morning. i can hardly find the modivation to run. im trying so hard not to be depressed but its so fucking hard.

my boyfriend is in college with lots of pretty college sluts who are skinnier and hotter and more mature than me body/style/age/intellegence/experience watever. it just sucks.

i ate dinner at his house today. its always a dificil situation cuz i wanna spend time with him but i dont wanna eat and since im there in the evening its dinner time...fuck. i ate 2 tostadas. and for lunch i had a special k bar and a chai latte for breakfast.

and i wore a really stupid outfit today that looked absolutely aweful. some days i wonder if im on crack when i get dressed.

im banning myself from starbucks until fall, which starts on my birthday. im going broke and im sure all the extra thousands of calories are not helping me. so if i cant get up early enough to make my own damn coffee i will suffer the day caffiene-less.

 well, i decided my list of foods is stupid lol. for example; i left out fruits and veggies. wtf. so screw my list, the plan is to eat as little as possible and work out as much as possible. drink mucho water. play those mind games i said.

today i am water fasting. its fucking hard. honestly, i dont think iv had a successful water fast since 9th grade. i started my morning with a grande-nonfat-sugarfree-cinnamon-dolce-latte from starbucks.so the water fast started at 8am. and its going 24 hours. idk wtf im gonna do tomorow without coffee. i need to get myself some more of that fasting tea. that shit was bomb.

oh ya. and iv chewed almost 6 feet of bubble tape today.

no CW. didnt weigh in today. i already know its not good. i wont make it to 115 by monday morning. and theres just no way i could lose 9 pounds in 7 days, so no boots for me :[

so, im starting to have moments where i feel somewhat ok with myself. youd think thatd be a good thing, but it actually really sucks. because feeling ok leads to eating and not running. and not only do those hurt me in the long run, but they make the rest of the time when im feeling aweful about myself that much worse. and it just sucks because if i ever feel skinny or pretty its not long before i see 10 REAL skinny and pretty girls that remind me im disgusting and still have a very long way to go.

im water fasting on monday. no. matter. wat. tomorow i will only eat if i am absolutely forced. im gonna try for a liquid fast.

i have decided i am going to learn to do the splits.does anyone know how i should go about doing that? tips would be much appreciated.

so today i realized something and im not at all sure how i feel about it. im not really bulemic anymore. i mean i used to binge/purge/binge/purge/binge/purge all day everyday. and it felt so good. and it was so nice to be defined somehow. 'i am bulemic.' not 'im kinda ana, well not really at all, i just dont eat but im still fat, but i lose some weight but really im still fatter than most people' ...and at the same time im really greatful cuz b/p just makes me gain and this is deff saving me from having awful teeth [i had a dream they all fell out the other night] and a fucked up throat, and who wants to kiss a girl who just threw up the dinner you bought her?.......i heard a girl purging in the restroom at the restraunt i ate at today. that is why i thought of that. just thought id share.