I was talking to one of my friends and she mentioned how she didn't want to go back to school because it felt so good being home.   and i thought.....gosh i don't feel that way.

not that i hate it here.  i just don't feel like i belong here.  since i've been gone, so many things have changed.  my friends are all different, i'm different, the places are different.  i feel sort of indifferent to my family, like i don't know them.  like they're strangers that i just happen to live with.  with a few exceptions, i feel like a lot of my friends don't actually like me.  or....not even that, but that i feel like i have a big group of acquaintance friends.  like matt and jessica, they're friend friends, everyone knows they mean so much to each other.  i don't feel like there's anyone here who thinks about me all the time.  even like...once a day.  hey, i wonder what danny's doing, i wanna hang out with him soon.  naturally there are exceptions (you know i don't mean you), and i'm not trying to point fingers, it's just a feeling i get.  if people here really enjoyed being in my company and liked having me around, why have i spent the majority of my break sitting in my house alone?  the jessica to my matt moved all the way to the hell we call california

i've mentioned before that sometimes i wish i could cut off all ties and start my life over.  i guess i've done that, just without cutting off all my ties.  so many people i don't speak to anymore, and i've moved away and started another life.  there's such a big part of me that none of you know, and i sort of like that.

OH i got it.  i posted a xanga entry this summer that spoke about past roads and how at one point in time your life consisted of a particular pattern.  in time things change and that pattern isn't a part of your life anymore.  and then randomly you find yourself back on that road, and it's just....eerie.  you feel like you shouldn't be there and feel like you're having deja vu times 4.  that's what being here is like.  i drove by my old house in st louis once.  it's like that.  this once was home, but it's not anymore.  and while it still holds a special place in my heart for what it used to mean to me, things have changed, and things are different now. 

and the butterflies in the pit of my stomach are just too much for me. 

and it's time to go home.